Anxiety

The anxiety is back, I don’t know why. I just noticed that I feel nauseous all the time and now my hands shake. This is how I felt as I began sliding into my last complete meltdown where I had myself committed.

It’s terrifying when you think you can see it coming but don’t think you can stop it. I have managed to hold down a decent for 90 days now and my insurance is starting. The master plan is to see the dr. and take care of some health issues I have been neglecting. If I lose my job (like so many before), I lose my insurance.

This last breakdown I mentioned came when I lost my dream job after a month, lost an amazing boyfriend who helped through some severe anxiety attacks and I eventually ended up losing my house and had to declare bankruptcy. All my bills were medical and groceries, its not like I was buying designer goods, just surviving. I feel like such a loser with the bankruptcy, I took such pride in taking of business and being fiscally responsible. I now feel like I have nothing left. I am not referring just to material things but means to meet my “human” needs. I feel like my soul is starved.

My parents died 13 years ago and I am unable to maintain healthy relationships. I am completely clueless how to show affection, it does not come naturally to me. When I meet someone I want to absorb every moment possible to try and soothe my soul. I have actually been told that when people hug me they can feel my body go tense because I don’t know how to respond or truly feel it.

I can only have “fake” relationships where the man is getting all his needs met and I am not. I am most comfortable giving, reaching out, and accepting attention when it is from someone I know is not really “into” me.

I appreciate being able to put this nonsense out there so to speak. Any other person I have tried to share with cannot relate. Enough of my babble for tonight, I wish you all at the very least some moments of serenity.