The suicidal thoughts I’m having at the moment are extremely powerful and although I know I can’t do anything about them (I couldn’t hurt my family that way), I’m not sure what I can do to assuage them.
I grew up with an alcoholic mother and grandmother. As you might expect, myself and my brothers were neglected regularly, but only I experienced the full weight of the emotional abuse from my grandmother. My childhood left me extremely depressed, angry and hopeless, with body dysmorphic disorder, an eating disorder and little or no self esteem. When I was 18, my older brother committed suicide. His death threw me into years of dysfunction, including alcohol abuse (I’m not proud of it but it was, after all, the way I had learned to cope with problems in life).
My father, divorced from my mother by the time I was 7, has bipolar disorder. I am now essentially his carer, but it is destroying me. He is verbally abusive to me and I am afraid of his anger. He seems to hate women and that makes me feel even worse about myself. Lately he has been going through a severe manic episode, in which he was suffering delusions of persecution. I have tried to be there for him and help him, but I just can’t do it anymore and I feel totally and utterly exhausted.
I used to be highly intelligent and academic, but I didn’t use my qualifications – I think my childhood left me unable to commit to anything. So now, I live in a crummy flat, work part time in a box office and have no partner (and I’m nearly 34 and female). I really feel worthless and like life is not worth living.
These are the main things I am struggling with, but it is all so much more complicated than I can explain here. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I’m really struggling with these thoughts. My mind seems to present a constant stream of bad memories, snapshots of horrendous things that have happened to me and horrible things people have said. I wake up every morning with extreme feelings of anxiety and hopelessness.
The trouble is, I have consistently sought help. I live in a region of Ireland where there is very little provision for mental health services. I am under the care of a psychiatrist and had been seeing a counsellor, but she could only take me so far. There isn’t really anything much else that I can do.
I just wish my life would be taken in some other way.
7 comments
Don’t look over past so much 🙂 You sound like a very strong person, you’ve been through so much pain and suffering and yet you’re able to stand and you were able to get rid of the terrible alcohol abuse problems you had 🙂
You know you have qualities, you know you are intellectual (which is very evident in your writing), and you know you’re a wonderful person (I know this is all the cheesy crap people say when they want to console someone and all; but I actually mean it.)
Just don’t demoralize yourself because some other people say something bad about you or disrespect you; it’s their problem. Sometimes people judge us, and then we make it our own personal outlook on ourselves, and then we doubt ourselves. Then we become our own victim.
I understand your childhood wasn’t very pleasant, and it must be very hard to get over such incidences, and I assume your counsellor and psychiatrist aren’t doing a very good job…But the sun will shine 🙂 Try to think of all the even more possibly worse things which could’ve happened. And be glad they didn’t 🙂
You sound like an amazing woman, and I don’t see why any man wouldn’t want to be with you 🙂 Keep hope, and don’t give up so soon 🙂 You’ve made it to 34 years of this life, why not see what happens further?! Sometimes we need a dose of darkness to realise where the light is 🙂 You will see your light, and it’s not far away 🙂 You say the urge is too strong, and the bad memories are haunting you, but don’t let them take over you. You are not your past nor your thoughts 🙂 You’re an awesome intelligent woman who can be very inspirational to many, many people 🙂
Whenever you feel totally hopeless about your past, though, remember that it’s not your fault; so don’t punish yourself for it!!!! You never hurt anyone, so there’s no reason for you to torture yourself, even though you might get those bad memories, just let them be there, think about them, let it all out, cry and feel all the emotions, but remember to also reminisce some of the good things in life after those bad memories 🙂 Even though the bad might outweigh the good, think about all that good which will/must come or happen tomorrow; and if not tomorrow, then the day after, but it will happen 🙂 Just realize that you’re an awesome person; and I’m not saying it for the sake of saying, I mean it 🙂 Don’t lose hope, you’re strong, you’re gonna make it through, and I KNOW that you have a purpose(and a very important one) 🙂
(Sorry this is so long 🙁 )
Thanks for your response kokola9000. Honestly, I do try to think positively and most of the time, I manage it. It’s when I become overwhelmed with my circumstances that the worst of the depression seems to hit me, and then it becomes extremely difficult to see anything positive. It’s almost as if my brain is punishing me and I have no control over the thoughts that enter my head – they are so quick and so constant, not a conscious thinking of a subject or memory, but a cruel film that I can’t turn off in my head.
I really appreciate your comments though and it’s nice to feel that there is support out there.
No problem 🙂 You try to be optimistic and that in itself is a great move 🙂
There is support everywhere, you just have to let it get known to others to call attention 🙂
But that’s harder than it seems. I feel like a burden most of the time, to family and friends. And at the moment, I am not feeling optimistic at all.
Please don’t be harsh with yourself 🙁 We all feel like a burden to people sometimes, and I can understand…I also feel like a huge burden 🙁 I’ve been a b*tch to my family when all they did was love and care for me 🙁 It’s like I’m weighing everybody down, and preventing them from reaching happiness 🙁 It’s like everything’s my fault…
But don’t feel bad about yourself, because such moments will pass, like every moment does. Just don’t go to the extent of hurting yourself because you most certainly don’t deserve it 🙁 You’re a nice person 🙂
I can only echo what has been said here. You do seem nice, and if there is anything I can do, feel free to email me.
It’s brl.cents@gmail.com if interested. I’ll listen, and while I’m a bit younger than you, you have my support.
Thank you both for your support, I really appreciate it.