Hey everyone,
I’m new to this “posting” online to strangers but I guess we’re not since we all have something in common. Which is suicide. Recently my ex-girl friend left me completely, and she is out of my life forever now…. I fell in love with her again before it happened… torn me up inside really badly. After that happened, I fell into a dark depression and felt suicidal through the months since November 2013. I still am today and the thoughts are coming back. I let go but now… I can’t sleep at all anymore. I constantly have nightmares of past, my mistakes, regrets, and this lingering pain that just never goes away. Its always there when I’m awake or when I sleep. Its getting to the point where it hurts to wake up in the morning…. everything in my life is just.. so dull… I can’t explain what this pain is but all I do is cry constantly… I feel so alone even when I’m with my friends and family. Being reminded everyday by my past… its like everyday I have to fight for my life. I never get to rest ever…. I no longer sleep in my bed because I have nightmares of my past when I sleep in it. So instead I sleep on the floor, which makes me even more restless but to just stop the pain. I walk around throughout the day smiling and laughing when really deep inside that I’m…. dead…. numb…. tired. I just don’t know what to do anymore… I’m seeking help now and talked to people already. The pain just never leaves and it feels like… suicide is the only way out. Sometimes I just wanna sleep and never wake up again.
4 comments
Dear timr51,
To me it sounds like you have not forgiven yourself yet. You have already paid the price of your mistakes. It sucks, yes…..But you nite know your short comings and can move forward in a positive and more productive life. Don’t forget the lessons if the past. But use them to steer you in a better direction
Forgiving yourself after a breakup is not an easy process… it takes time and effort, specially if you still love that person… if she is out of your life forever and you are sure that is the case, try distractions, your family, your friends, even if you feel dull inside you might start to become yourself again in time even without noticing it… just don’t be so hard on yourself, a relationship is between 2 people, i don’t think you are the only one to blame. Odd comment… i too “slept” in the floor (and in a couch) for a couple months, and also due to nightmares related to the past… if you can yo might even consider getting rid of the bed and getting another one, anything that helps you even if it is only a bit.
I know the feeling all to well, it’s one of the most painful experiences of my life. I cried myself to sleep and woke up from dreams crying. I cried so much I would get sick and throw up I had rashes on my face and eyes from constantly rubbing away all the tears. Its a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It goes away a little and the pain slowly fades and there are times when it all flashes back and it hurts. I never got to complete the cycle so I don’t know what its like to be at peace. I’m sorry that it hurts so much and that your going through it, I sincerely hope it gets better for you.
I just came across this and can relate. I hope you found happiness and are still with us.