When I was 11, I tried to kill myself.
When I was 13, I tried to kill myself. Four times.
Then when I was 15 my boyfriend told me I’d be better off dead. Of course, guess what I did? I tried to kill myself.
I wrote poetry depicting my mind’s perpetual spiral down into hell. I blamed myself. I said things like Well if you weren’t so darned stupid maybe you’d deserve to live.
But why would I say that? Who am I to judge?
Really that makes me selfish to think that. Everyone on this damned planet suffers every day. Every. Fucking. Day. Why should I get the cheap way out, just because I’m sad? Because that douche bag said he’d be better off without me? Because this planet has people that would be better off without me?
Suicide is a temporary solution. And every day I battle the temptation to hang myself, or O.D, or slit my throat. Everyone has something they have to battle. It doesn’t matter if you are rich or poor, sick or healthy. There’s this fucker called life, and it causes a lot of pain and battling.
I called a helpline once and they pretty much told me my life is screwed up and I am screwed. My problems aren’t important (damn like I didn’t know!) and then hung up. Good for them though. I don’t need to drone on and on about my issues. I need to suck it up and grow some balls.
Okay maybe to some what I have said is offensive and I’m sorry. But I’m not sorry I said it. Because, at least for me, it’s true. And where I still want to end it, it’s just stupid for me to if someone else has it worse.
Thank you for listening to me rant.
3 comments
Thank you for ranting, it’s good to get these things off your mind and have someone actually listen, unlike those helpline pricks. Anyway…
*clears throat*
Your first attempt was 11? Quite young, yet I was a year older when I first tried. As a child, the mind is still trying to comprehend these chemical reactions within our bodies. This carried on for four long years…hmm I’m twenty now and have only attempted three times in the space of eight years. That fucker called “life” is a ***** of the worst kind. It’s freaky to think that in an instant, we’d no longer need to feel anything at all.
So what exactly are your personal circumstances now? I hope that you never encounter another twit like the boyfriend you had at age 15 (that guy, seriously…) and that you can find some sort of meaning to it all, whatever it is. If anything, have a bit of intestinal fortitude to at least give life a decent chance, struggles and all.
Thank you for sharing, and welcome aboard! With the amount of nonsense and religious babble going on here at the moment, you may not be here very long, but do enjoy your stay for the time 🙂
Okay speaking (Well, just thinking, it’s actually just a random fact, I feel like teaching people stuff today) of the word “*****” did you know that ***** is not supposed to used on guys, because I know a girl who always says “you *****” and I’m just like, “Well hey, did you know…” (blah blah blah lol)
A ***** only makes sense when it’s used on woman… or dogs. 🙂
Things have definitely gotten better. Nothing is perfect but I broke up with that twit and am now way better off. I still struggle, but you know. Could definitely be worse. Thank you for the comment and thank you for the welcome 😀