I have spent along time on here. As i have been here, desperatly trying to fix myself while trying to keep myself going, while trying to help others, i have always seen little progress. Believing I have done nothing to help myself, that all those things i have tried have failed and left me worse off. I cannot believe it took me so long to reaslise what someone said to me to be true. A good while back an old member by the name of Amakua said something that im only recently beginning to appreciate. “One hundred percent better…you almost speak English now…hahaha…jk You were pretty friggin’ angry when I started harassing you…hehehe…but then you were pretty angry period. But soooo darned cute!!!” this is cut out of the conversation but it recently started making me stop and think. and i do realise i have come so far from when i came here, i have let alot of anger go (alot of alcohol too) and i have progressed as a human too. Im not saying im perfect, im not saying i ever will be, and im not saying this change shall last but when i stopped (and I implore you to do the same) I find that while i thought i wasnt that far on my journey in life it turns out ive come along way to get to where i am. and you know what? im fucking proud of that. i can stand up here (metaphorically) and say i have made progress, i may be still suicidal but im fighting that bastard everyday and because of this place I feel im capable of holding my own. Do i want to be depression free? of course i do, but i will take being able to handle that depression. I wanted to win the war raging in my head, but now I realise its the battles along the way that make and shape you. And now i see the wisdom Ama had when she said what she did. And i also understand now, that clevername is modest when he calls himself clever, he commented on something i wrote, and im ashamed to admit i didnt spend the time reflecting on what he said then, but it stayed in my head and fitted nicely into a realisation i was having, so thank you clevername for this
“your way in life is happening while you’re figuring it out. One day you look back and realize that trying to figure out your path, is one of the most significant contributors to creating your path.
Whatever you’re doing RIGHT NOW, is the step after the last, before the next, and has a high degree of impact on where your next steps lead, while being heavily influenced by all steps prior.
The amount of steps remaining is always decreasing while you’re figuring out what to do with the rest of them… or whether to take any further steps at all… or analyzing all the previous ones.
Improvising in the middle of the mission is hard.”
now i understand. ive spent too long trying to figure out where i want to go, that i didnt realise that im already walking somewhere. its like going home from town. your legs know the way home, you dont direct them, muscle memory or something similar, i spent so long wondering where i want to go that i never realised my subconcious knew the way i need to go.
Life will take its own course, i shall be who im ment to be if i allow myself to go through my life, instead of fretting over everything, im not saying there is some greater plan by some unknown entity, im not crazy. im saying that somewhere deep inside us we know where to go next, sure we may not know where that will lead us but do we need to know? can we not have trust in ourselfs? trust that we can get, mabye not where we think we want to be, but where we should be, where we are needed to be and where we will eventually realise we want to be. All this other shit is just scenery on the journy. i know alot of the people (if anyone bothers) who read this have been through some horendous shit, but thats your past, thats the low point, thats where you are walking from, not where your walking twards, so let it go. i said earlier in a comment that No one controlls the actions of others, but they do controll the reaction they have. what you should be doing is rolling a joint, putting on some bob marley and letting this sail right over you. peace and love brother, thats whats important, peace and love. and i truly mean that.
Im going to try and see everything in life as the actions of others, and i want to look at those actions and i want to think to myself ” ok, that was their choice, but do i need to be like that, can i not just sit back, relax and laugh, because they dont see what i see, that this is only transient, this will be in the past, behind me, and all that will bother me is how i react, because the actions of others arnt my fault, but my own actions are something i want to be proud of”
I let too much bother me, i keep too much inside my heart, i am my worst enemy, but i have begune to realise, through the words of those far smarter than me, that im making my life, and ive come along way in it, but i have longer to go. i have looked back and seen how i lived it so far, and im walking foward un known to myself, untill now. now i have the chance to change, i can let it all go, the anger, the sorrow, everythin i dont want to hold inside and i can move foward in my life, shaping it with nothing but what i want in it. peace and love brother.
Im letting it all go brothers and sisters, and you know what im keeping? peace and love brother, peace and sweet love, will you?
21 comments
Nice post, Procel… One day at a time, my friend. One day at a time.
I miss Amakua. She was the FIRST person I met on SP when I found this site during a really dark overnight. There is simply nobody like her and I hope/pray that she is doing well. She deserves only the best.
Congrats on the progress. It all sounds so nice…
Hey @distant, thanks, im rather proud of it.
Yeah, amas like an sp legend, its like, “oh you wernt here during her reign? man the things she did for people on here” but, hopefully she will drop by, i sent her a link to the post.
@poisontongue, it took me some time to get here mate, but its not an exsclusive progression, you can do it too, theres nothing stopping you but yourself
Excellent. If only we were all capable of this kind of introspect some of us might find workable realistic solutions…but then again you have to be willing to try…
Good job bro and fight the good fight…
@Pain it happend mostly by accident, random things slotted together in my head and gave me this, and you are one of the people i have to thank for the last pieces coming together, our earlier conversation was the missing peace, so thank you. and man, theres nothing stopping you from having a moment like i did, hell with the weed one would imagine it would be easier bro :-p
@procel:…well at least something good came from that post…you’re welcome man…its always good to help good people…I just hope you stay on this path
In all my years here, this is the first of its kind and what I would’ve liked to see more. Cheers to you, Procel, and those apart of it.
There’s good in everything, just depends on the way you look at it. Couldn’t have made it without that last peace man. Haha so do i brother, im thinking of getting the words “peace and love brother” tattooed on so i wont forget.
@853 thank you, its heartening to see the support on here, i like to think alot of people on here from when i joined to now all lead up to this, even in a small way. This is much the work of the others as it is mine, all i did was put it together.
Amazing, Congrats on your steps to enjoyment of life!
I know the battle. Congratulations on your continuing fight! We are all with you.
Amakua sounds like a great person, thanks for your post Procel. May you find happiness, you surely deserve it
Trust is the key, even more than hope. You should include it in your universe theories. Great post. I’m happy for you. Posts like this gives me a lot a motivation to keep going and trying. Peace and love… Indeed.
@onlyloveisreal. Thanks, i think its a journey that requires you to start in a bad place so you realise ur moving towards something better.
@vedura if you know the battle, you know it can be faught, if not won all together, hope you stay fighting too.
@givemesomepeace oh shes great. And i still want to help you, so dirrections to a post of urs would be appreciated.
@quaero trust is something im still not a fan off, never got the use of it. Trust in oneself is all you need. IM glad that this post helped you, stay strong
I have to admit i’m only just now reading this…
@Procel:
Regarding my quoted contribution, and what you said immediately after it: “now i understand. ive spent too long trying to figure out where i want to go, that i didnt realise that im already walking somewhere.”
Exactly.
I’m glad you found that helpful. That’s what i was aiming for. Sometimes you’ll see that process of the present becoming the past, as you step into the future, in slow-motion. When i first had that realization myself, i freaked out and slammed the breaks; probably not the best reaction(!), but that’s what i did. I’m now very conscious of avoiding any steps in the wrong direction, if i can help it. But, like i said, it’s hard to change what you’re doing and where you’re going, in the middle of doing and going. If you slam the breaks or yank the wheel, you slide… making it even harder to maintain control.
“And i also understand now, that clevername is modest when he calls himself clever…”
LOL. Thanks. But honestly, the point of that name is to call the name itself, clever, by including that word in its own name. The name itself is clever, because it says so, right there in the name! (even if i don’t always succeed in living up to it)
It would be like if i used “stupidname.” Well, that’s a stupid name, right? Or maybe “unimaginativename” would be not very imaginative. “Lazyname” would be a pretty lazy name. I wanted the name, itself, to be a clever name, because i like wordplay… but it’s also sort of lazy and unimaginative. lol.
Hey Hey Procel
Nice work. Has someone started a tattoo fund? haha I think it is a wonderful idea…even though I don’t “like” tats persay. I think you should have it inked on the vulnerable inside of your wrist…on your dominant hand…the one you extend to others. What do you think? Or have I finally just smoked toooo much weed. lmao
I will get to work on an email…but just wanted to warn you against smashing any bottles. You know what I mean. I knew a young man that lost his hand that way with a Snapple bottle.
btw I like this story better. Nice work my friend. To quote myself…ahem…”So in all great stories…the hero learns, evolves and overcomes something…usually himself.”
Today you are your “own” Hero…and mine as well. I was having kinda of a poopie morning til I saw this. Nice work…keep moving. haha I’m waiting for my next installment.
Love and Light
Ama
ps My friend is a nurse…she was not high. You know what I’m talking about? Phyllis the Amaryllis. Me…I’m pretty much always some kind of high. lol
@clever. i find that alot of things need time to sink in fully, almost like the subconcious takes note and works things over by itself, leaving me out of the process and giving me the end result, when its ready, (its part of the reason i love physical labour, it allows the mind to wonder more freely) So while your words are indeed insightful and right, i take my time in realising that fact. What made you slam the breaks when you made your realisation? I think im just too easy going to be freaked lol.
“Pen names are masks that allow us to unmask ourselves. ~Terri Guillemets” we use names we feel show something of ourselves, you didnt choose the name “stupid name” or the name “unimaginativename” for neither of those name accurtly describe you, whereas clevername holds in it something that describes you, in a way that is noticible to others. we choose what is important to us, your intelligence is important to you and you gave a name that reflects that.
@Ama, well well i was hoping you would follow the internet trail to here :-p
haha the fund is full for this, tho it wont be my first tattoo, i got another one done in secret a while back Sssshhhhhh lol. that isnt actually a bad idea ama, its not somewhere i would have thought to put it. tho what i usually stretch out to others is on the dominant hand and im sure getting a tattoo on ones middle finger would be sore lmao.
haha doing something like smashing bottles sounds too irresponsible for me :-p i take it you watched the vid?
Thank you ama, means alot coming from you 🙂
Haha im not the hero, without the help i got here i wouldnt have been able to make any breakthrough, so that makes you the heroes. Haha the next instalment is in ten pages im afraid, and i still have to start it :-/ but itll happen soon im sure, i work best after twelve oclock at night, its only eight here now.
Damn, if ye were both high that ould have been exsplanable, thats just weird, and cool so. haha some kind of high is alwways a good thing :-p
Well my Dear,
I guess I don’t really have to email you now that I’ve spewed it all on the interweb. haha
Peace and Love on your middle finger? I should say not ! I like my idea much better. Of course I watched the video….I thought it might be something fun I would like to try…but it was not. I don’t mean to nag dear…I just worry about you sometimes. lmao
Procel…I understand why you wouldn’t remember how I first came to be on SP many moons ago. Without the help I got here…I don’t know if I would have made it myself. Sometimes also … the easiest way to learn something new…is to try to teach it to someone else. Remember the snake people now. I was soooo incredibly angry…that I almost did something very stoopid. When I could not act out on my anger…the only way to control it was to turn it on myself. Ouch. Thank God for the junkie downstairs. I think he may have saved a life that day. So yup…I know a thing or six about anger…and I’m still learning.
Life is a journey…not a moment after all.
Nope…my friend is a nurse…and she was on a short break between clients. Besides…the few times she did smoke weed…all she did was blubber and laugh…and blubber and laugh. lmao Why does everything have to have an explanation anyway? huh? You’d think you Irish would be the first to believe in little beings. Oh crap….sorry for the stereotype. haha
Thank you for the invitation btw. And I’m waiting on my next installment. I wonder if the story is going to change direction a wee bit. I guess I’ll have just wait and see.
Patience…that is what I am currently working on….patience. hahaha 😀
Love and Light
Ama
“What made you slam the breaks when you made your realisation?”
Suddenly becoming aware that your course is not as you thought it was, and that you’re actually out of control, and not sure where you are, or where you’re going, or if there are any obstacles around, due to having been distracted by illusions and such… imagine waking up from a “daydream” in your car, with the gas pedal on the floor, speeding toward… ????
Idk, it’s hard to explain. Waking up from a delusion at full speed, in an unknown direction, is scary.
I like what you said about names. Although i still say that it was more about me liking “clever” names, wanting to convey that i like “clever names,” rather than wanting anyone to think i was clever. 😉 (except that i guess it takes a somewhat clever person to appreciate and create a clever name… i didn’t want to be all “oh i’m so awesome! check me out! yeah! WOOO!” I mean, this is 2014, not the late 90’s AOL days… and it’s a site about suicide. lol)
but no email from the illustrious Ama? what if i delete ur comment? :-p haha yeah your idea has much more class. i would get it in irish but i detest the word for brother (deartháir) for some reason… well it shows you care so i guess i might avoid doing it, unless im really drunk, at that stage i promise to ware thick gloves… or convice someone else to do it 🙂 You were here before me? as you are undoubtidly aware i was rarely sober back then, i miss drinking so much, its funny, i realise now drinking is bad for me because it usually makes me depressed but i have to go out tommorrow night on a bender so i can get a higher tollerance so i can go out monday night on alot more drink, talk about bad timing lol. you shouldnt have internalised that anger, while lashing out on that muppet would have been bad it would be preferable to you taking that anger and directing it at yourself, you shouldnt do that type of thing, sure ur incredibly dangerous when angry but that applys when angry at yourself *said in a scholding voice*
Everything has to have an exsplenation so we can learn from it, without knowing how something became how it currently is we cannot fully understand it, and what it will become. haha the one thing i hate abbout that steryotype is i never did reach that pot of leprechaun gold 🙁
ah it might change direction, or it might stay going the way it was always intended to go, who knows? 😛
@clever. i think i understand, i liken it to the matrix (blame the meme that was here lol) u go through your life one way, only to have the misconception lifted from your eyes after you accidently swalloed the wrong pill. yes i think i get it, you were heading in a direction you thought was different, to have that road suddenly replaced with a different one is indeed scary, lucky i wasnt going too fast eh?
I would argue that people do not create the name, merely discover one that has meaning to them, the name defines a huge portion of us. wether we realise just how much it covers or not it still is huge, ergo i argue we do not make the name, merely discover it. kinda like the native americans with their tribal name (im probably being woefully racist here, appolagies, its in my culture) like going on a spirit quest to discover themselve. each name we discovere and like the feel of is our subconcious’ way of revealing something of ourselfs, i didnt make my handle, i merely discovered it.
I argue a clevername is incredibly appropriate for a suicide forum, it seems the more intelligent you are the more prone you are to realising suicide is the most viable way foward.