Well, to be honest, I didn’t think I needed to be.
Since the last time I attempted suicide, I was feeling better. I still had mental health problems and I think I always will have but they calmed down. At least, on the suicide note they did. But my depression had been getting worse in a different way- I could barely get out of bed, I couldn’t bring myself to wash, eat or drink anything until I was offered, I couldn’t bring myself to change out of my pyjamas. I was a complete mess and still am.
My anxiety was getting worse too, but in a different way. I started getting paranoia and delusions, I was so paranoid all the time, that people were following me, trying to stab me, sometimes I’d just be in the middle of the street and walk slowly and keep my eyes shut tight and prepare myself to feel this enormous amount of pain with the thought that someone was going to stab me in the back, literally. I even had my psychologist at the time say she believed I had GAD (generalised anxiety disorder) but never diagnosed me with it, that left me thinking “she’s just saying that to relieve me, I’m just a stupid overthinker”. Overthinking is probably my biggest mistake, it triggered this eating disorder inside of me to show itself that had only made small announcements in my life in the past, e.g. wanting to be underweight and occasionally looking at my bones in the mirror. I mean, I had no idea it would lead to this.
Then suddenly, my world just fell apart again. It’s taken me since June, and finishing my last year of school helped, but I’m back in the place I used to be. I’m not even sure if it’s because I want to die and go to heaven anymore, I honestly want to die and feel nothing at all, just not exist. This is why I’m currently having trouble thinking of a way not to attempt suicide, because at the end of the day, only two things can happen- I can either end up in hospital with the pain I deserve and finally I can get the help I need. I can’t do medication, or therapy, or counselling, or any other kind of support I can think of. Hospitalisation is becoming my only option for help and that’s if I’m even considered ‘ill enough’. Or I can actually die and never have to feel a single emotion again. The only slightest thing that stops me from attempting right now is the thought that I might go to hell, as I’ve grown up a catholic and even though I’m agnostic now, part of me is still against doing it just in case.
But at the same time, staying on this earth any longer is hell. I originally was hoping my eating disorder would get bad enough to send me into hospital but I guess that won’t be happening any time soon. It’s nowhere near bad enough to take my life yet, I’m not dangerously underweight and I don’t have any serious problems from my constant attempt to throw up and take different medications. I’m getting slowly more impatient and I’m beginning to wonder when the time will come that I truly try to kill myself again.
Thank you for reading, I needed somewhere to vent.