I found out Thursday that my cousin ended his own life. The entire community is devastated. My father and Grandfather were both close to him. I have this guilt in me that is just all consuming. All I want to do is cry. A year ago, this could have been me. If I succeeded in killing myself, I would be the cause of more pain than I could ever deal with. I should have been a better family member, a better person. Maybe I could have done something, seen the signs, and now my entire family is feeling so much pain, and al I feel is nausea from the guilt. Is it possible to hate yourself more knowing that you almost caused the pain that you yourself feel?
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Don’t blame yourself, even if you would have seen the signs there is no guarantee you could have stopped it… and no point on blaming yourself for something that didn’t happen… instead of hating yourself use that as strength to move now that you know how it would have affected everyone… and try not being so hard on yourself, it only comes to shows you really care about everyone.
Im sorry to hear about what happened.
But reality is,,,, where was the family prior? Was anyone aware of this suffering? Did anyone try to help? Coz in my situation, my family wouldnt give a shit except for 1 or 2. Thats what makes it easier for me to go, I know it won’t really bother many, and if I wait longer, it will bother even less. I just have a mom, a few others who care. Only 1 other than my family whao I can say would be devestated.
Causing pain to your family if you had done it? Yes, as you see.
But there are folks here who don’t have to worry much about that aspect of it all.
I am glad you learned that you matter.