I’ve been coping since the middle of December. I just can’t get past everything that has happened.
I was sexually abused from age 9-12 by my father’s half-brother. At 18, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, depression, PTSD, and borderline personality disorder, for which I was in a state psychiatric facility. While I was a patient there, I was on a pass (meaning I could leave the hospital premises, which that time I was for a week). On the last full day, I was raped by someone who I knew and was a childhood friend. I refuse to tell my family about the rape because they blamed me for my sexual abuse. I just don’t know what to do right now because it’s like coping isn’t enough.
I read my journal from the state hospital, and I read an entry that said:
“I shared what I wrote (talking about my sexual abuse) to Laura (the nurse and my primary). This scares me because I can no longer look her in the eye. This scares me because she told me to tell someone else who can help me work through the guilt. I, now, do not like to be touched or look at other people. I’ve got to find someone who cares enough to forget this ever happened. I CAN’T TRUST ANYBODY! I HATE EVERYBODY! Just let me DIE!”
After I was discharged, I told her about the rape, and she told me to talk to a counselor. I am going to a Victims Resource Center two counties away, but it’s not helping.
I just want to die! I’ve wanted to die since I was 18, but I’m not scared because I’ve done it before; I just don’t want to repeat my past. The hospital refuses to admit me unless I actually do something because I’ve been there almost 20 times in technically 3 years. I just don’t know if I can do this anymore. Why live a life full of depression and hate? I just disowned my sperm and egg donors yesterday because they have never been parents to me. I have hated myself since I was 17, and my egg donor said I was the f— up of the family.
12 comments
Let it out who the fuck cares what anyone says or thinks. I was sexally molested multiple times since the age of 8. My family never did shit I was left with the guilty on my own. Until finally one day it happened again when I was 20 and I faced that perverted man and I pushed him I yelled I threatened to expose the piece of shit that he is. That was a moment in life I will never regret yeah I wish I had done more sometimes but I’ll settle for what I did. My family hid the truth they didn’t want anything known so this molester was invited back multiple times. I had nightmares and finally I realized who the fuck cares about everyone else and I did what made me feel good. I let it out I told his wife that he was a sexually molesting pervert, I’m sorry that you were raped i fortunately didn’t get to that stage. But let it out let it all out because it feels better.
I’m not completely depressed about that. I just want to go back to the hospital, and as sad as it sounds, I want to go back to the state hospital. For comfort? No. Rather for the structure and the ease of being able to find someone to talk to. I don’t want to live at this point, but if I have to, I’d rather live in a state facility.
@babyjess0141 but that isn’t a life your never truly living, your merely getting by. And its true that may not be the complete reason as it wasn’t ever truly with me but it was a weight that I carried. A pain that lingered around, Free yourself. Confront your pain and let it know that it will no longer control you. Be strong because I can’t but you can you can prove the world wrong in spite of everything. I believe in you I believe that you can be ok all on your own.
I’ve proved that I can behave long enough to be discharged from a state hospital, but I can’t keep doing this to myself, I can’t keep myself just holding on to a thread because that thread is about to break. I can’t stand this life anymore. Why put someone on this earth if they are just going to suffer? It’s just inhumane.
” Why put someone on this earth if they are just going to suffer?” who are you talking about specifically?
God, if there is one. My parents.
Well your parents couldn’t predict that you will suffer. And even if it was possible it’s not their fault they are stupid. As for God well that’s another thing but he hides quite well so we can’t ask him about it. I assume he doesn’t exist and your suffering is just an accident and not part of a sadistic plan if that makes you feel any better.
Everybody suffers in some way in their life; some more than others. I unfortunately am an other. My father attempted suicide after I was born while he was in the Navy which was while I was still a baby, so if they had waited until after he finished the military, it could have saved me from this hell.
@babyjess0141 that is true I was born to suffer and I feel like thats all that will be of me. I suffer for not only decisions I have made but decisions others have made.. I wish we could both know peace and I am truly sorry that you are hurting.
Thank you. I’ve attempted suicide at least 10 times. I can’t believe that none of those had worked.
@babtjess0141 I attempted suicide a dozen or so times and each time I woke up crying in more pain then I was before. I felt like a complete failure because I couldn’t even kill myself successfully. I want to die now there is nothing for me to go on for but I am afraid of waking up yet again.
I feel the same way. I called the psych hospital I was at and talked to a wonderful psych tech who has been through the mental health system. She told me I know you don’t want to go to the state hospital. I said I don’t want to, but I feel like it’s the best place for me, and that’s why I’m so scared to come in because at any time, the doctor can just say, yes, she’s going to the state hospital. She said that she’s also scared of that happening. It’s hard to get over, and a lot of the problems that I take on are not my own, but I get so worried because they are my family. I just don’t know why my parents had children if they weren’t going to love us. My sister, who got pregnant at 17, had her baby at 18, got pregnant 2 months later, and had her second child at 18 as well, is the shining star of the family. My other sister, who got arrested and was sentenced to probation and community service and has also gotten a ticket for no seatbelt, is also before me. I’m the oldest (22 in 8 days), and regardless of the fact that I have no children and have never been arrested, I am the f— up because I have “mental illnesses” and I attempted suicide. How the hell am I the f— up? Just because I don’t want to live in a world that is going to sh*t? I wasn’t a teen mom, and I’ve never been in trouble with the law. I am trying to pay my bills, and that’s what pissed off my parents. Being a responsible adult by paying my bills and getting sober made me the f— up? How is that possible? Because I didn’t learned that from them? They filed for bankruptcy 2x, and they almost talked me into it, but I decided to be a grown up and take responsibility. I learned to be frugal and to live within my means from my grandparents, and for that, I am the f— up.