I genuinely appreciate those who have read my posts and hope you can make it through your wars. But I don’t think I will. I fought it twice and I don’t have the strength to do it again.
I just wanted to say I came closer the other day than ever before. I never attempted, only thought and spoke and wrote and read about dying every day for 30 years. But Thursday I made initial covert arrangements to obtain in a hurry what I would need. It has been a relief to know I can get it done when I want. It’s empowering.
I don’t really know what to say here, but I almost just hanged myself (hung? not sure). Not the first time. The only reason I talked myself out of it is because I can’t stand the thought of my mom walking in on my dead body. I don’t want her to have to go through that. But I want to end it so badly. I’m so unhappy, and so confused and overwhelmed. I don’t know what to do.
I’ve been going to therapy for a few months now and I’m on antidepressants. But I don’t know how to talk to my therapist, and so nothing has really come out of therapy, and the medication has helped somewhat with my energy levels, but it hasn’t really seemed to improve my motivation and feelings of hopelessness. Most days I don’t even feel fully conscious (if that makes sense), and I can’t really function normally. I don’t have good hygiene, my health (mental and physical) is sh*t, everything (even just walking) makes me incredibly anxious and self-conscious, and I feel like I’m losing my intelligence. I have no will to live and no will to change anything.
So then why am I writing this? I’m not really sure…but maybe I would like some advice. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m barely making it day to day, and I feel like it’s always getting worse no matter what I do. I feel that I have no control and that everything is my fault, and I’m just so tired.
I appreciate it if anyone actually read all of this. Thanks.
Just ask! Come on, read these two lines out:
“Are you thinking about killing your self?”
“Are you thinking about taking your own life?”
See? That’s just how you do it. Now go. Ask him. Ask her.
People contemplating suicide want somebody to genuinely care. They want to be asked. They NEED to be asked that question. “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” What if your question could save a life?
Email: suesyd . nomore at g mail . co m
Facebook: Suesyd Nomore
It’s by one of my favourite internet writers, he always has a good way of knowing the underlying meaning in things:
For those who don’t want to read it, it’s about how today’s social dynamics abuse and imprison the arbitrarily selected bottom few. It’s mainly about the time of adolescents but I think it explains all stages of life. Because of the way the world works, it needs an amount of people in the bottom for it to function and it doesn’t care how much mental damage this causes those unfortunate enough to be caught in the “shit pit”. It’s one of those harsh reality articles so be aware.
Why am I posting it? Because I’ve been stuck there since adolescents and it has taken a toll on me. Since I didn’t have the proper outlets, it has effected many different parts of my life and has left me a useless shel or a person I am today.
I want to commit suicide because I don’t want to be subjected to this kind of treatment. I don’t want to have a horrible, unfulfilling life because my suffering is necessary for the success of others who would look down upon me.
To this day I can’t believe the social brutality which is allowed to continue.
Does anyone else feel this or know what I’m talking about?
thank you for reading
If you read the comments on Alan’s post last night, you saw he requested a picture of a china doll and a honey badger eating sushi on a surfboard in the desert.
Actually it was a request for Hazy, but I decided I would try it too.
I haven’t posted for a while, but I have popped in to read when I’ve been feeling low. It makes me feel better to know there’s others out there who share a similar emptiness inside.
I was on before banging on about my complete and utter loneliness. – well I sorted it, found someone who loves me and miraculously who I love in return. But it’s not enough. I’m still empty inside. I thought love was the answer, but all I do is push him away I try his patience and now after 10 months he’s ‘almost’ had enough. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, but I’m fucked up- I don’t have any friends and I hurt my boyfriend over and over (not by cheating, but with mind games of ‘one up man ship’) he knows I’m no good, so do I.
I’m waiting for the big split, he thinks it’s my reason to die- he’s seen two friends quit on life already. They say things come in 3’s…
I had a job, but I had to quit.I enjoyed my job, but it took too much from me. I had nothing left to give. The thought of interviews and joining the treadmill of life again scares me. I don’t want it. my worth is so low, nothing excites me, there’s no love of life here, just tears and pain and dreams of stabbing myself in the toilet. What a horrible way to die. But this is no life, just hurting people I love and hurting myself more.
He told me I’m an abuser. He’s in an abusive relationship. I’ve turned into the people who made me this way. I can’t stand it. I hate myself so much, more with each day, each bitter words every curse and every time I beg for pain. Because to me love is being hurt, being hurt is safe, it’s what I know- they taught it to me.
I’m trying so hard to be better, but I can’t do it. I’ve even seen the Dr… But I’m thinking about the rope in my garden and the tree to swing from… But not tonight. I have my son here and the sight of me dead in the garden would haunt him for eternity.
I’m thinking this weekend, Saturday is perfect… No one home. After I fuck up on Friday- (like I always do after a few drinks). Maybe I just won’t drink.
I’m seeing a mind Dr on Tuesday… I want to make it to Tuesday. They’re going to give me some meds- the right ones this time, I hope. I need something. Pills, a shoulder, a hug, a rest, some heat (I’m addicted to heat).
Here’s my latest project, finished last Sunday.
It’s supposed to reflect the upheaval and turbulence of needing answers to certain things, but not having those answers– and coming to terms with the possibility of never having them.
Title: Not Knowing
Instrumentation: Violin, Viola, Cello, Bass, Piano
For those of you who can read a score, here’s a screencap of the last five measures:
Hello again, everyone.
I know, most of you don’t know you, and the ones who do probably don’t remember me, but that’s ok.
I posted a few things some weeks ago, and talking with all of you made me realized I wanted to be better. I even start looking College where I can study psychology, Weird.
Anyway, it doesn’t matter now.
I wanted to apologize for not being around. I had you all in my mind all of this time, I prayed for all of you, but I didn’t feel strong enough to enter this site.
Now, I don’t feel strong enough to do anything, really.
I decided I won’t make it to my 26th birthday.
I’m SO tired of being a failure, and watching people my age or younger do amazing things, and travel the world, and do what they love, and love what they do, and have friends, jobs, and a stable family, and… I have nothing. I don’t have a reason to live anymore. I’m 100% sure now that my mother will be just fine without me. I wanted to read a book that came out this month but, oh, surprise, I don’t even have the money to buy a stupid book. And I won’t have it, because my debts are +80.000$ so, yeah. Not having a job and owing so much money… doesn’t look like I’ll travel the world, right?
So, I refuse to see myself become a 26-years-old me. I mean, that’s MORE THAN A QUARTER OF A CENTURY. I can’t justify my life anymore. I’m just a waste of space (well, I’ve been sleeping on the floor of the dinning room for months, but besides that….).
I want to have a little dignity, and I won’t if I turn 26.
I have a little more than a month to read some books that I have but haven’t read, and to watch the movies I want and can find online.
Have no one to say goodbye to. No one would miss me. And no, I KNOW IT’S LIKE THAT, don’t try and say otherwise.
You all have been a great help for this last couple of weeks. Made me realized there’s nothing specifically wrong /with me/. Some people are not meant for this world, I guess.
Can’t live sad and frustrated and angry and lonely anymore.
If you want to, stay strong.
If you don’t, it’s OK to give up on this life.
Love you all.
So this is just a stupid rant so read or not. ..
Im sitting on a crowded bus with class dust and tiny fragments of glass from work stuck to my sweaty skin cos the air con is not working on this bus. Some guy has tried to jam himself onto my seat when its fucking abvious im having trouble folding my 6’4″ body into a seat made for a person who is 5′. I keep sweating and thatmmakes me more Iitchy.
I feel like everyone is staring at me. Anxiety thru the roof. 2 girls behind will not shut the fuck up!!
“Like totally talking bout their like important
Life and like how their boyfriends are so untidy at like home”. If we had relaxed gun laws in Australia they would be dead.
The two guys sitting in back speaking a different language are for sure talking bout me. Plus I can hear a radio going that is basically just static and quiet voices. Not sure if real but heard it earlier too.
Im on a bus cos I lost my drivers license a year ago for various speeding fines while driving escorts 12 hours a night as a part time job that endef up costing me money not making any. Another great decision scotty. Well done. Fuck it. Its times like this I really wanna jump off sonething super high. One last feeling of total freedom from this awful messed up self absorbed world. Im sick of it. I wanna get off the ride. Ive had enough thanks. Im not gonna do it just yet, but one day it will push me over the edge.
I’m sitting here in the dark, listening to the rain. It’s been raining a lot lately in the past month or so. I remember a few years ago the river flooding in low lying spots and coming within inches of flooding over the train track bridge. I don’t mind this rain at night or when I’m sleeping but during the day when I have to function it about kills me. I am not very tolerant of the cold and lately this has felt like an ice cold rain. There was one night in February I had to catch the bus home from work in an icy cold rainstorm, without an umbrella because I had no idea that it was going to rain that day. Thinking back I caught a nearly month long cold after that. It’s going to rain all weekend too. I’m thankful I’m spending tomorrow with my little niece and having dinner with my parents, I’m old enough where I like the little things like that. I’m tired too. Part of me is convinced I’m just dying a slow death already or stuck in between life and death. which is what my name here implies. That’s another post in itself though. I think what I hate the most is I feel as if everyone thinks I have my shit together and I’m great. I’m not. I may look healthy and happy and all that bs but my brain is eating me alive. I made a great collage once depicting this, if I find it I’ll post it. Anyway I’m rambling now. I honestly don’t even know if there is a point to this, if you read it, thank you.
I still can’t believe what I am doing. Looking for help in the Internet? In the past I’d probably just laugh at such a stupid idea. Instead, I’m here telling you how hopeless my life has become and how hard I’d just like to have a forever rest from everything. I wish I could not live. Who asked me if I wanted to live? I was just born. That’s not fair. Well, anyway, I just want to say hi to everyone. I’ve read many of your posts as I’ve been considering this step for a long time and finally I’m here. I’m impressed by your strength, the ability to go on. I know how hard it is sometimes.
PS. Is this site really completely free (that means I do not have to pay for anything: posting sth or I don’t even know what), safe and anonymous? Sorry for bothering you, that’s probably a stupid question.
I used to be happy. I used to be full of joy. I used to be bursting with life. What happened? What made me feel this way, living with so much hate and emptiness? I’m an average person with nice friends, a caring family, and an endless amount of love in their heart, right? Wrong. That’s what people think about me, that’s what people believe that I am. Sadly, they don’t know the real me. In reality, I’m a wreck. I have had depression for a month, suffer from anxiety attacks, and lack motivation, not to mention the constant emptiness I feel. I recently started self-harm, cutting my knuckles and hands. Hope for me seems lost. According to my parents, nothing I ever do or say is right, and they constantly point out my failures. One night I got upset and actually admitted to cutting myself. They began to cry and told me to go upstairs to my room. I haven’t come out since, worried about what they’ll say to me when I do. My “friends” constantly reject me, or completely forget I’m in the room with them. School makes my life even more miserable, giving me huge amounts of homework and projects that trigger my anxiety attacks. Every night I cry myself to sleep, dreading having to survive another day of it tomorrow. I’ve never considered suicide before, and I don’t think I ever will, but I’m beginning to feel like a waste of space. I’m like a peice of glass with a crack down the middle, just waiting to shatter into a million pieces……. Thank you for taking the time to read this, it really means a lot to me to know that people care. : /
Not really sure why I’m doing this, I stumbled across this site to let family and friends know if something was to happen. Coming here I’ve read a lot of people’s personal struggles, and my heart goes out to you all, and to you FUCKS out there with your perfect lives, well you can chew on this, cause if anyone can go through what I have and not think about putting a fuckin hole through the back of your head, well you’re definitely a better man than me, so here it goes. Not gonna bother with my miserable childhood, I’ll just say my pops isn’t my real pops so I was never gonna live up to his expectations. So let’s fast forward through all the other bullshit that life had waiting for until 2001 when my first love, the mother of my 2 oldest children was killed in a car accident, speed to 2003 when my biological pops died, hmmm, 2004 is when I lost the greatest woman in my life, my momma, onwards and upwards until we get to 2012, that was the year that my oldest son, my namesake, my road dawg was killed in a car accident, ironically just like his mother, let me see, 2015 was when my little angel, my first granddaughter Passed away, oh yeah, 2 days after that we found my nephew dead of an overdose and yes, he was living with me and my wife and kids. And last but certainly not least, I lost my grandson 10 months ago, not to mention all the other friends and family along the way, Not only the deaths but I was averaging around 70-75 grand a year not a bad chunk of change, I met and married the woman of my dreams, ” my angel ” had great step kids, but like everything else I love, I lost them too. You see she just up and filed for divorce and I found out by text that day at work, yep a fuckin text letting me know my marriage was over and to pick up my clothes lol, but at least I have my job, ummm not anymore, I was laid-off 3 months ago, so now I live where I can and why wouldn’t I, everybody should have a middle aged man sleeping on their couch, I’d get another job but yep you guessed it, my car isn’t running, but yet I’m still here. Lmfao. And I swear the next guy that is in front of me and says ” everything will be ok,” or the ever popular ” well it can’t get any worse ” I’m hittin right in the fuckin mouth, cause it can get worse, and it has gotten worse, but yet there’s still those assholes that’ll say I should hold on or it’s a sin to kill yourself, let me clue you into something, the only ones that call it a sin are the fuckin Catholics, the BIBLE says blaspheming the HOLY SPIRT is the only unforgivable sin, ( yes I’ve read the BIBLE ) and if JESUS, the son of GOD HIMSELF can’t forgive me for throwing in the towel then didn’t HE die in vain ??? Think about that next you wanna judge someone, by the way, judging people is also a fuckin sin ” HYPOCRITES ” fuck it I’m done here, when I throw a slug through my head, at the end of the day it’s my choice, like everyone else’s, ” CHOICES ” that would be freewill right ???
This is my first post on this website and I’m not usually the type of person who does that but I have no one left in my life to talk to so I guess I’m turning to you guys…. Anyways, the past few months have been pretty hard I went on an exchange in Italy which turned out to be the worst experience of my life because the family I stayed with was yelling at me and insulting me the whole time… So I came back home way earlier than I should have and that’s where everything started. This exchange completely destroyed me I had so many expectations and it was my dream so when I came home I took it as a failure and I feel into a depression, eating disorder and anxiety problems…. Then after that I had to switch schools and I had no friends there and then when my parents realized I was miserable there I transferred to my old school and now I can’t pass any exams because I missed too much school. My spirits have varied from happy to wanting to kill myself very often in the past few months and my entourage seems to be giving up on me. My brother can’t stand me anymore and my parents are tired of me feeling all the time. Tonight I really thought it was the end I really wanted to just end it since I have nothing to live for but I didn’t something kept me from doing it I guess I was afraid or something….
I don’t know if anyone is going to read this but if someone does thanks it means a lot
I know I’m not exactly the most popular, the most interesting, the most insightful, or the most helpful. I know I don’t always post that often. I just wanted to thank everyone in the community for always being kind and considerate of me and thank those of you who read my posts, especially the ones that are so long they’re practically a novel. And thank everyone for their sharing themselves on this site and making me realize I’m not alone in this. I’m glad I have a place where I can share my feelings openly with people who can relate a little better than most. Stay cool, everyone.
i’m new. to the site, at least, not to being suicidal. but i like writing and i was told once i should get more people to read it, so thought maybe this would be a good place to put this?
I breathe with the beating of my heart and lose it all so easily,
something of some significance slipping through my fingers.
Farewell, goodbye, good riddance, freedom and fear follow suit;
I’m gone, I’m gone, I’m gone.
has become more complicated. Face-to-face communication used to be vital, but now we can live our lives being online all day.
However, the truth of the matter is, we still need to see each other’s faces, read their expressions, hear their voices, so we can fully understand their emotions.
How many times have I heard that a suicidal person is selfish if he/she kills him/her self? That makes me so angry, because I know the pain, the years of unending pain, that leads one to attempt suicide. When I hear things like “you’ve hurt so many people who care about you,” I want to scream “what about a pain that drives me to want to die.” Doesn’t that mean anything!
Does anyone else on this site relate? I’d like to read your input.
I was just reading “I Was Here” and they talked about this website. It introduced me to it and honestly: I’m glad.
Safe place to talk? YES PLEASE!
Safe place to talk WITHOUT JUDGEMNT? I wish I found a place like that before now.
Ive read some posts you all have made and I know I belong here, which is sad. It makes me sad that we’re sad. Why is happiness so hard to find? Can’t it be as easy as it used to be? What happened to the world that suicide rates and depression/anxiety rates have increased dramatically? But a slightly more important question I personally should be asking,…what happened to me?