Depressed, pregnant and ranting…….

I’m 25 and currently 19 weeks pregnant for the first time. I have been depressed all through this ordeal. In the past I’ve had a bad habit of cutting, there are 3 scars on my arm where I cut very deep on 3 different occasions. I also cut my wrist which left a scar. I have not cut while pregnant but am still very depressed. I guess I’ve been depressed for a while now. I’m stuck at the house most of the time. I worked as a barber for 1 yr but had to leave due to being harassed and have had no luck finding a job cutting hair or anything else for that matter. I went and got certified to substitute teach and 4 months later have not had one call. I feel like I fuck everything up and even when I try to make things better it doesn’t work out. I don’t want my kid to have to come into the world with a screwy mom. I originally wanted to have an abortion in the early stages but now that I’m this far along, know what I’m having and have seen the ultrasound of the baby there is no way I could go through with it. Of course I was told how much of a piece of shit I was for even thinking it. I just don’t want a child to suffer, I mean I would never verbally or physically abuse my child; I’m not rich and I don’t want to screw up a child or them have a bad childhood or be depressed to when they get older. I don’t think I would do it but I’m having a lot of suicidal thoughts. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this kind of stuff, my mom (love her) always brings religion into the mix, and my fiance says “what are you so sad about?” I know there’s people who have it worse but I can’t help I’m depressed. I noticed at my doctors office they had a flyer for a session to help out people who are anxious and depressed during pregnancy; should inquire about it, has anyone ever called into the suicide hotline?

Rant  below:

I just don’t understand my mothers reasoning in some way, she’s so happy I’m pregnant but I’m having to depend on others for rides to the doctor because I have no car. I did have a car but my mother and sister convinced me to sell it so my sister could have the money to move to Minneapolis.  I know I should’t have done it but I’m one of those stupid people who try to make everyone else happy. So when I need a ride it comes down to my step-mother or fiances mother. I feel helpless. My fiance has suggested for me to finish the nursing program but there again I’d have to beg for rides for a few semesters. And she’s always bitches about my cats telling me to get rid of them for the sake of the baby and apparently so my f*cking house won’t get condemned, which my house is clean so idk why she says that, stained 5+ yr old carpet maybe; but my fiances father has offered to have it tore out and wood put down. I mean it doesn’t look like an issue of Better homes and garden but damn it isn’t no where near an episode of hoarders. But my house is good enough for internet use.  However my sister has 2 dogs and apparently they are so damn well behaved, so good in fact when we went to see her one pissed on the couch and on the air up mattress. My cats make mistakes but at least I admit it. I tried to tell her about the mattress but I was told I was wrong. I probably sound like I hate my family but I don’t I love them, it’s just their ways I guess. I’m not saying everyone is in the wrong and I’m right. I f*ck up a lot. I mean I’m 25 and haven’t manged to work out a viable career because I thought I could make the barber thing work out (I was licensed) and that fell apart. I tried to get jobs at a factory, another hair shop, the library, hell I couldn’t even get hired as a cashier at the f*cking family dollar, and shoot I’ve got a diploma in marketing/management. Hell maybe some people’s lives aren’t meant to work out at least if I did try suicide again and it was effective this time around I wouldn’t be a burden to anyone else.