(I’d like to apologize for what I’m writing here is not coherent.)
It is about 01:09 am, and I’m alone in my dorm room.
At the moment, I’m crying. I must say that I’ve been fighting the tears for a long time, and right now, here they are, running down my face.
I’m the invisible one, and for some reason, I don’t mind it at all. The only thing I regret is not having any reliable friend with whom I can talk openly. I’m about to turn 18, I’ve never had any capital-f Friend, and I highly doubt I’ll have any.
I spend most of time surrounded by books or surfing the web or studying.
My parents are kind of expecting high things from me since I’m a good student. But right now, I feel like I can’t do it anymore. The only thing I’m thinking about is death. I want to seek relief in nothingness.
I find it hard to focus in class due to my over-thinking and lack of sleep, and I really don’t want to disappoint my parents. At least, not as long as I’m alive.
I must say that I have a weak personality… And a weak body too. I’m shortsighted, I don’t eat properly, don’t get enough sleep and my whole body is aching in pain. If only it could stop. I mean, stop forever!
I used to have ambition, by now I have none.
I’m aware that life is ephemeral, that we’ll all end up buried and that no matter how bright we’ll shine, it’s just gonna be useless. No one will remember because we’re ALL gonna die.
I have attempted to end my days on June. I took some aspirin, but it wasn’t enough. I did it because I felt rejected. Rejected by the universities I wanted to join, rejected by a friend that I met on the net and that had always listened to (or rather read) me and given me nice pieces of advice. And right now, I’m feeling rejected by life. It is slowly eating up all my power, and turning me into a walking dead.
I can’t talk about how I feel to anyone because 1) no one is gonna understand, and 2) there is nothing that can be done.I’m a hopeless case.
3 comments
Who says that no one will understand? I think I understand quite a bit of it, having gone through it.
I don’t want to call you a hopeless case like me. Take better care of yourself and get involved, maybe?
I really don’t know.. The think is that I have no real social contact with anyone. I can’t talk about my problems with people I barely know.
As for taking care of myself… It’s useless. It really makes me happy to see how weak I’ve become, how close to death it makes me…
eipeer, I am shocked to read your post. I feel you are almost exactly the same as me, its as if an 18 year old me had written this.
I know how you feel since I had similar experience first year in university. in a dorm room, felt socially left out somehow, the invisible one that others look over. with a weak body and never had a good self esteem or that good of people skills to start out with.
It gets better. whether you like it or not, you will learn alot about yourself from these tough ordeals. the pain hurts so much right now and you may feel you can’t even eat properly, sleep properly, or concentrate on your studies. but hang in there. it gets better and you will grow and become wiser as a result of what you are going through right now.
when you say you are being left out and have no friends, there are reasons for that, the misery lies in the fact that these reasons are in your blind spot, you can’t figure them out, as a result you keep doing what you always done, which doesn’t help you get friends, and you suffer but you don’t know how to fix the problem. Tell us more about you and maybe we will find a way to fix it.