I’m scared. I’m scared of feeling stuck, of being tormented not only the past, but my own thoughts. I’m scared of moving on, of trusting people who will only abandon me when they find out that I’m not as perfect as they foolishly believed. I’m scared of the possibility of being stuck in stasis for the rest of my life, not accomplishing anything, while everything else moves forward at the speed of light. I’m scared to live with the pain caused by living.
Yet I’m afraid to die. I’m scared that maybe I could have made a difference in someone’s life, maybe even reached my full potential had I managed to hold on. Maybe I could have made friends, fallen in love, had kids, even grandchildren. Maybe the good could have outweighed the bad; the unknown is terrifying.  But when I try to keep this train of hopeful thoughts, my mind rushes in  to shatter those dreams to pieces, leaving me only with this sinking depression.
I’m tired of being scared. I’m tired of living, of people who offer sympathetic smiles and pitying eyes instead of a kind ear or someone to lean on. I’m so tired of the pain; I just want everything to go away. Yet I don’t want to die! But what other options do I have?
10 comments
Once you embrace death, there is nothing. All that you were, all that you are, all that you would’ve been…becomes nothing. That is death.
But…I sense you are cautiously optimistic about life, therefore you need to “strike, seize and hold” onto this hope for a little longer and fight those thoughts that cloud your mind. Let me be that shoulder you cry on, that sympathetic smile with the caring gaze, let me help you if you ever need it at all.
Everything you want can and will be possible. You just need to have faith in yourself that you can make it happen. It’s your life, no one elses. Make the most of it.
Take care.
I feel like you just need someone to listen to you and just give you a hug to be honest. I know life sucks a lot, but try talking to someone. Like an adult you trust or even a friend. Try talking to someone before you do anything. but that’s just my opinion.
all my love.
I still remember those annoying anti-drug PSA’s that ended with, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste…” I’d remove the last two words and just leave it at that. “A mind is a terrible thing.” Well, it is sometimes. Minds think they can predict the future with a reasonable degree of certainty, they think what circumstances compose the present must inherently be static and immutable just because the mind has not experienced alternatives, even if the mind can see alternatives! Minds are silly things more than they are terrible things, but those silly things can compound into something tragic and unnecessary, sometimes.
You don’t need to be perfect, in anyone’s eyes, or your own eyes. You’re human, as everyone is. Nobody has perfect knowledge, or perfect manners, or perfect control over their emotional state (if perfect emotional control were possible, almost nobody would ever post on this site, no?) Mistakes get made, foolishness gets revealed, humanity gets exposed for being what it always has been, but life carries on and most people can accept the foibles of other people, because most people have foibles themselves. Those who don’t are likely artificially intelligent robots designed to appear like human beings.
I’m sorry you’re feeling how you are. 🙁 and I can sympathize with feeling trapped and hopeless that things might ever change in your favor. It’s been the same for my life, for a number of years now. I really wish I had some proper advice, or something magical I could say that would put everything into perspective, but I only know what I’ve seen in my own life. No problem is insurmountable, though some are frustrating to extremes and might look that way. I’d give you a shoulder to lean on if I could. I know what it’s like to not have one when you need it. For now, all I can offer are these words.
Also, sorry this was such a long comment.. I seem to do that a lot and I always feel a little awkward about posting them. Anxiety is a little demon sitting on my shoulder – I’d flick it into my coffee cup if I could.
WOW. You sound EXACTLY like me. I’m in a period of a “stagnation” (by default) and I am literally stuck. It’s like you don’t want to die, but you just want the pain to go away. You feel the only way to escape the pain is through death. I think underneath it all you do have some sense of hope, but it takes so much energy to keep the hope alive when nothing is changing in your life.
I’d say you need to hang on for a little longer… you sound like you still hold some hope regarding life, i might be wrong but no one really wants to die, they just cant cope with their circumstances… but when you really know you cant cope with life, all the potential you have just doesnt care anymore, what could have been doesnt care that much anymore because nothing is worth it more than stoping the pain… my view of it tho, so take it with a grain of salt.
Oh wow, did not expect any responses.
Rare Echelon: Thank you for your response. I think it’s weird for me to think of death as such a final thing; then again, I was probably romanticizing it as a cure all for all of my problems.I think I definitely need to work on having more faith/confidence in myself. If I don’t like me, how can I expect anyone else to? Easier said than done of course, but that’s life.
emily_olsen221: Thanks for responding. I don’t have any friends and the “adults” in my family are as unstable as I am (and everyone is just concerned about their own problems). By the way, I’m 19 (somewhat an adult) so it feels weird to refer to others as adults xP I do wish I had someone to be there for me and just hug me, but the people who were supposed to have my back disappeared quite a while ago
lorax: Thank you so much for your kind words and empathy. (I mighta teared up reading it). Honestly, there is no “perfect advice”, and sometimes “I don’t know” can be better than spewing nonsense. And yes, the mind is definitely is definitely a tricky thing; the way it makes me feel so trapped in a vast worlds such as ours is incredible if you think about it. I really wish you the best of luck in life (sending good vibes your way since you can’t hug over the internet xP)
ArtNHeaven: Thanks for responding. While I am glad that someone can truly empathize with my situation, I am also quite sad that anyone feels this way. Stagnation is equal parts maddening and depressing, and it only feels worse when successful people give you “advice”. It’s exhausting to hold on, but I will; I just feel like if a try a bit more, maybe things will change (been saying that for years now, but who knows). Good luck, I hope are fortunate enough to have something worth fighting for
keief: Thanks for responding. I do believe people do want to live (which is why most people don’t die on the first attempt), they just want to not suffer anymore. Unfortunately, despair has a way of crushing hope in the most unforgiving of ways. leaving people with the thought that death is their only salvation.
@sweetxserenity
We’re mostly a loving and helpful community here at SP, most members will do their upmost to help you in any way they can, myself included. I sincerely hope our words of advice were of some assistance to you and that you may continue on your path through life and discover new things about yourself whilst building a future all of your own.
Blessings be upon you.
@sweetxserenity: You really do seem like a sweet soul, and I hate seeing good people deal with these sort of demons all the time. Things really can get better, and not everyone will abandon you, but first and foremost, you must not abandon yourself. You’ll make it through and if you need to vent or to talk or just some friendly faces to remind you that the world isn’t all bad, there are a lot of good folks here and you’ll usually get at least one or two replies – though it seems people usually get a lot more than just that. 🙂 Everything beautiful in the world has a cost – empathy’s a double edged sword, if you think about it. You can’t relate to someone else’s pain unless you’ve felt something similar. I think in some way, that’s wonderful because we can all help each other because of it.
@sweetxserenity
Out of curiosity, have you talked things over with the person who was supposed to be your partner?
I recently read your post and relate to much of what you had said. I am very much empathetic to your journey and struggles. I know that it’s been awhile since your post…are you still available to chat?