I panic so much because of how I feel inside. My girlfriend wants me to get better but I cant right now. I know I should be happy with where I am in my life but everything that’s going on in my mind won’t let me.
I want her to get mad at me and tell me im wrong for not wanting to be here because if i leave this world ill be leaving her behind. one of my only reasons for being here is her because she wants me to. if she told me to kill myself tonight i would think about it for two seconds and then off id go to do the deed.
hurting myself gives me the strength to live with myself because if i don’t do something that makes me hurt i feel like i dnt deserve to be here. i mean like being happy and not in pain. if i dont feel the pain from the cuts days after i did it. im not doing them hard enough i want to feel the pain. i took a break from feeling that way but that is because i was with her, now im not and i can hurt myself all i want to because…just because everything from my past hurts. everything that ive done wrong hurts. my mind goes a million miles a minute make it stop.
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“I want her to get mad at me and tell me im wrong for not wanting to be here because if i leave this world ill be leaving her behind. ” It doesn’t seem that you ‘need’ to die or even ‘want’ to in some respects. What you really seem want is someone to show you that they care – and enough that they’re willing to step in to keep you from destroying yourself.
That’s okay, although you have to keep in mind that there are some people who do not believe suicide is selfish and understand that sometimes you have to let them do it rather than torture them by forcing them to stay. I say give yourself a bit more of a chance, don’t be rash. Your girlfriend wants you to feel better, of course she isn’t going to tell you to go die.
If you get joy from making others happy, try to make her smile and let yourself get addicted to seeing it. I don’t know what you’re going through, but if you’re able to put away how you feel and let yourself be happy with another, then that’s A+ in my eyes.
Thank u. I know she would never tell me to kill myself but the only reason I say I wish she would is because I honestly don’t want to be here anymore. But I understand what you’re saying about trying to make her happy and I do that but it still always comes back to me hating myself and hurtin myself because that’s all I feel I can do when nothing is going right. It’s always my fault. Everything. Always.
My mind races too man. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. It’s difficult to tame or master. I have come to accept it. I am not half as intelligent as ppl think me to be because of my mind races. A situation is posed and I can’t help bit to run a hundred scenarios through my head think of multiple ones at the same time even. Someone says even just a word and I can’t help but to think of anything and everything that correlates to it. It made it hard to sleep just couldn’t shut my mind down. I have learned to deal with it. Most the time now I can shut it down if I need or crank it up to help me fake intelligence 😉 all joking aside. Just calm down, pause for a second, and breathe. Find something to center your mind around that you naturally like or gravitate to. For me it’s cars or motorcycles or comics or something like that. And let your mind run free for a min. Then once it starts to naturally slow down itself or to a tolerable rate, take it back to the task at hand. Explain this to your girlfriend and just tell her there are times you will need to seemingly pause. Start there and let me know if that works or you begin to see any progress. If you do not I have other things to try till we find something that works for you. I don’t want to give them all to you at once, cause I don’t want you jumping from method to method as this will hinder more than help. If we can control your genius mind man I think the rest will work itself out. We can work on other things at the same time as your mind, but only one other thing at a time. So what’s bothering you the most right now? We can focus on that and ways to keep your mind from racing while ignoring the rest. Sound like something you may want to try? Get a handle on one thing then move to the next.
yeah thats sounds like it may help. Ill try it when my mind starts to freak out on me again.I think it music helps me a lot so thats what ill focus on.
Well then we have a start. Good luck to you my friend.