The thing is, I’ve been battling for 3 years now. I let it lie for years before, but now I fight.
I didn’t want to fight, because fighting means risking defeat. If I fight, I might lose. I’m losing.
In the last year, I was hospitalized 5 times and spent a total of 6 months in the hospital. I’ve had two suicide attempts and during the first one, spent 2 days in a coma, only to wake up to delirium and yet another hospitalization.
I have scars on my legs, arms, stomach. I’ve needed countless stitches.
I’ve tried so many medications, I can’t list them all.
I am facing yet another hospitalization. Next week, I’m supposed to go back to that.
Sometimes, I don’t know what reality is. Most times, I don’t want to know. I drink. If I don’t, I want to kill myself. I have sex. I eat food. I pet my cat. I visit family. I work. I create.
I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die, I really don’t.
I used to want to die, and then I was afraid I actually would.
Now, I don’t want to die but am afraid of living. Living this.
It’s not pain, but it is. It’s anxiety and suffering, fragility and hurt, I shatter, I crawl, I hate.
I have support and love and money and a place to live and an education and beauty.
I don’t want to die.
Regardless of all this, every night I count my pills, I list my thoughts, I write my letters. Every night I wish to live, but don’t.
I am not ready to die. But this is not life. I am dead, defeated, broken.
I want to take a leap of faith.
6 comments
I didn’t read your post before I wrote mine. It’s amazing how their the mirror image of one another.
I was you. I can’t count how many times I’ve been in the psych hospital. A LOT. Too many meds to list.
What can you do for yourself, right this very moment, that will bring some happiness?
Something – anything. I like to listen to music or look at the birds.
Whatever it is, please do it now.
You have to fight. We all take the risk of fighting, becuase losing means death. It best to take the risk and fight then not and lose regardless.
I respect and value that you dont want to die. I congratulate you on your choice of life.
But nows the time to change. Yes you have the tangible amenities to support your self and live fruitful life. But now is the time to change the things that are not necessarily physical. Lime you mind and perspective.
You need to find first the root of your illness and anxiety. You need to identity and fix the problem. Then find things that create positivity and give you meaning. Things that will make you happy and confident to be alive.
Of course this is not life for you. But its good you recognize that. Its good you know this is not normal. But now is the time to find that normality. Now the time to fight for yourself and chnage. You can do it.
There is help and support here if you ever need it
I hope this helps.
Take care and best of luck.
Ps. Sorry for all the typos.
Ps. Sorry for all the typos.
I accidentally stumbled onto this website… I was looking for a long distance friend (uses meganhoney as a username as well) that just seemed to drop out. I didn’t really notice at first because we really weren’t communicating that much. It’s been a while and it has been bothering the shit out of me because I really enjoyed our emails, messages, the few phone calls… And now nothing… I am writing this because I want you to know that you are loved. People that you might not even be aware, might be looking for you… Looking to be a part of your life and you dont even know. I’m not going to even try to make like I understand what you are going through, but I wanted to let you know, that there is more to everything than just what we know…What is right in front of our faces. Safe travels. ~ Jer