I’m in agony right now…every movement is pain and I know it’s going to be ten times worse tomorrow morning. Hopped up on myprodol, tramacet and coxflam and not even a slight improvement. If this keeps up, I’m gona accedentally suicide on the pain-killers…though I fear it might turn into full blown attempt if the pain gets any worse…and it’s going to. The fact that I am burning up from the widespread inflammation doesn’t help either. I’m hot, sticky, in agony, miserable, unable to move and confined to my room so I can turn on the fan…family is actually feeling cold…I’m feeling like I’m boiling.
I hate my self…
It’s nobody’s fault but my own… Because of my conditions, I can no longer function affectively as a software developer so I now work as a network administrator on a half day basis…full days would just be too much. Today however, I totally overdid it. I’m like that, once I get going on something I don’t stop till I have finished…not even for lunch…stupid, stupid, stupid.
We received a new UPS to replace two others with. Initially, the idea was just to remove the old two from the rack and place the new one in the same spot and swap out the power. The problem was that the new ups is a couple millimeters too tall for the shelf, so I had the clear the shelf and drop it down a notch. That done, I was trying to hook up the power when I noticed that the shelf was buckling. Turns out the UPS was too heavy for it, so I had to move it for the umpteenth time (the thing weighs a ton), remove Everything from the rack and restructure all the shelves so the UPS could sit at the bottom. The biggest head-ache is the 12 coax cables, each with a signal strengthening box and earth that feeds live cc-tv footage to three DVR’s (recorders). They are damned near impossible to keep tidy and awkward to connect. I had just about finished reattaching the three side panels of the rack, in it self a chore as they are difficult to manouver, when I notice one of the cam feeds was down… In the end I had to strip off the side panels, rip out all of the coax, power and ethernet cabling AGAIN, just to find one loose connection…all my hard work gone to hell. Now I have to do it all again tomorrow…just ran out of steam. If I feel this bad now, and it’s gona be worse tomorrow morning, by monday, I’m gona have to beg the emergency room for a sedative and morphine…if I make it till then
Why do I do this to my self, I’m gona be in agony for weeks and my mood is gona take a massive hit, as if it’s not unstable enough as is…
4 comments
I guess you have the same problem i used to have (regarding doing things)… i could be dying but i would just continue going until whatever i was doing is finished (and in a good way, a bad job, i’d re-start until properly done).
Lost that drive due to many things, but whenever i can bring myself to do something, i remember that… and it’s really not healthy… you really have to draw limits for yourself there, considering your condition… a good way might be doing things partially, do them well, but not all at once (i understand that with software it could not have worked, but with manual labor as installing equipment it might). In any case hope your pain ceases a bit at least.
I wonder sometimes if it’s not related to executive dysfunction… The inability to set goals and work towards them means I don’t have a stopping point…
And thanks, I hope so too…
Might be that… maybe scheduling things might help in that sense? i know in my case it wouldn’t matter if i had a schedule… i just had to finish things, lol.
I’m gona have to seriously take it easy for the next couple of days… My mitral-valve is misbehaving something fierce after all that straining. I hope it calms down eventually and that I don’t have to call on my cardiologist…