Life – 567,983,122……. Me – 0…. That’s how many times I’ve been kicked in the balls, it’s a rough estimate of course but I don’t think I’m off by much, just something else taken from me. Not another child or grandchild this time, another business, apparently I’m broke more than I figured and business partner and friend has been selling off equipment, and the rest is on it’s way. We never even got to get things up and running. $150,000. Worth of equipment has been sold for close to fuckin nothing, and all I can do is sit back and watch. At least I still have my good looks, wait…. no that’s not it. At least I still have my youth, no that’s not it either. I still have my self respect…… no, that’s been gone for awhile now. Hmmmmm. I’m gonna have to think about this for a minute…… To be continued…….. yes that’s a good ending….
I am under a great deal of stress at the moment. It’s finals week at school and I have my Algebra 1 exam tomorrow. This test will not only determine if I’m going to pass the class, but also place me into a ranking chart of students heading into Algebra 2. Ever since I was 11 years old, I wanted to be perfect. My dream is to go to Harvard, but I’m so stupid and ignorant that that probably won’t happen; nevertheless, I feel as if I have to get a perfect score on this test in order to determine my self worth. If I don’t pass this exam, I won’t get into Algebra 2, therefore destroying any sense of accomplishment I had left in myself. (Although I didn’t have any to begin with.) This test is giving me a severe panic attack right now, and I can’t even focus on studying for it because I know I’m already going to fail. This test is important. This test is determining my future. This test is a crooked game of survival, and I know I will most certainly lose the battle.
It has been 3 and a half years since I came here. I was so close to death, to cutting my self, I slept so close to the razor under my pillow, I walked the deepest pits of hell.
I am a survivor.
When I look back, funnily, I don’t see darkness. I don’t see pain.
I see life. I see struggles. I see beauty.
If you hold on long enough, one day you will look back and realize the beauty of all struggles. You will see that the truest form of living is the one which is closest to death. That the brightest light is the one closest to darkness. And the truest happiness is the one with tears and pain.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I need to do something.
What can I even do, I didn’t expect the consequences of my past to catch up so quickly.
The logical decision (through my perspective) would be to end my self by end of the year, but that isn’t possible due to my ridiculously high preserved morality.
OK so now that’s off the table, what the fuck am I supposed to do. GED then college?? OK where are the funds coming from? GED + Job then? I’m a fucking recluse how am I going to hold a job, history has shown I can not.
Try a new therapist? The last one I tried was useless, could’ve probably counseled myself better. It would probably take some time to find one that fits me, and even then there’s little chance it will help.
Fuck me, what am I going to do.
Why didn’t I just go to school, even if I lost my sanity, why am I addicted to wrong decisions.
Well I made it out alive once more, not sure how I feel about that. Actually just woke up. After more shit was thrown on my already full plate, I lost it and raged like I tend to do. So after being up for 3 days partying, rippin the scooter down the highway at 120+ enough alcohol and other things that would kill a herd of elephants, sleeping for another day. I woke up, but instead of being pissed off because I did wake like usually do, I woke up and thought of the people that I’ve met here that have showed me love and support. To all of you ( and you know who you are ) that have been here for me from the beginning I’d like to say I’m sorry for my selfishness. My last post was done out of pure and unadulterated anger and I left that post with a sense of uncertainty. I’m guilty of doing things like that, but I continue to work on that still. Unfortunately depending on what’s going on, I have no problem hittin my self destruct button. But I know how it feels not knowing about the well being of someone I care about and having to worry about them, and then finding out I lost them or the anger of finding out that they made it out but made worry anyways, I feel that I’ve done that to some of you, and for that I am truly sorry
Well hey lovely people of suicide Project. I haven’t been here in awhile if you have noticed if any of you know who I am.
So awhile back I made a post about I Dye my hair. Its my self distraction from self harm. People seemed to like that so I think I’m going to make a journal hopefully everyday or maybe a cpl days or once a week in not sure yet. But I’m here for all of you. I wont judge because everyone needs a friend and you shouldn’t feel alone. So if I make a journal for you guys it’ll be self distractions vs self harm. I’ll so some of my own problems and let you guys know I’m here and your not the only one out there. I don’t care if you think its something time and no one wants to hear you. I want to hear you and I want to help you okay. I’ll be here Just tell me what’s going on ill give the best advice again or just listen if that’s all you want. I promise I’m here for you give me a chance . I love you all even though i don’t know you but we all are on this site for a reason right. I’m nit going to let go to waste. Sorry for this being so long but its worth it and so are you. Yes You! ALL OF YOU AND I LIVE ALL OF YOU.
My name is Ashaia you can call me Shai and ill leave my kik if you want more of a connection thank you for reading lovely ?
love you ??
- So I’m a freshmen in a collage prep high school. I’ve suffered from depression since 6th or 7th grade. I have really bad anxiety and I’m extremely self conscious. IVe just been under a lot of stress and stuff and been thinking about self-harm and suicide. I think both are terrible things and I would never put my family through it but yet almost everyday I’ve been thinking of ways to kill my self. I know I haven’t got the guts to do it but I can’t stop my self from thinking about it. Nobody knows I suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts and I’m not one to talk about my feelings but I don’t know what to do. I have a terrible fear of people judging me so I’ve never told anyone or tried to reach out for help. So this is my first attempt. I dont exactly know what I expect. I guess I just need to express my self. But anyway. I’ve never done self harm, like I said I think it’s stupid and doesn’t help and just leaves you more broken then you already are, but lately I’ve taken out an Xacto knife and just held it to cut my legs. I don’t have the guts to do it and if I did I don’t know if I would or not. I’m scared that I would though. I’ve been thinking of calling the suicide prevention hotline but I can’t make my self do it. It’s really hard for me to talk about how I feel. Last Friday, I was really nervous and anxious so I took my pencil and drew a smiley face on my hand. But I kept tracing over it till it kinda went through my skin. I know that that was self harmful and I don’t know what I was thinking at the time or what to do. I usually draw smiley faces all over my homework or papers just to kinda get over my sadness but it doesn’t help all that much. I honestly am scared of myself. I have been thinking all to much about how I’d kill myself if I had the guts and wouldn’t feel grief. But it seems like my pain and misery will never end. If I was to kill myself, I’m not to make it clear, I’d overdose on sleep pills. I honestly can’t deal with the stress anymore. I’ve eve thought when would be the best time to kill myself. It’s gotten out of hand. Being an introvert. I’ve thought of every out come to a conversation about things and I think about how conversations could or could’ve gone. I’ve thought about the suicide conversation with my school councilor, I can’t do it. Cause she’ll see me and only think about my depression and suicide. The conversation with a hotline I’ve thought of many times. I don’t have the guts to do it, but I know I got to talk to someone. I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do. I would like to get on pills for depression but that would mean I’d have to tell my parents. And I’m not ready to do that or have that conversation. I’ve thought about waiting till collage when I’ll be going to the Drs on my own and getting my own drugs from the store and whatever, but I don’t think I can wait that long. One of my teachers said something about how what happened to you? You were an all As student and nos your B- and s bunch of other crap about how I have a problem. I know she meant well but I was having a terrible day and she had raised her voice and it just killed me inside. I literally wanted to go to the bathroom and break down crying. By the way that was 3 months ago and it still hurts me so much. But I had been depression free for 5 months before that. And that with a combination of other little things had brought it back. My mom like 2 months previous to this said to me that I was definantly depressed many times which made me start to believe that I was. Truth be told I had been the happiest I’d been in years, no joke. I think because I was actually happy and not trying to cover up my depression I seemed less happy cause I was trying so hard before to conceal it. But I would drop hints occasionally before when I was in deep depression that I was depressed but no one picked up on it. But yeah. I kinda feel better getting this off my chest and sharing it. This was kinda hard to be honest. But I’m glad I did it. I just hope it all comes to an end.
Why am I with people I hate .
Why Am i in a town with no prosperity?
Why am I killing my self for the selfish people?
Staying with a husband….no a llittle boy who is just as selfish.
I am alone
Why did I do this? Why am i here?
Why? can’t I stop crying
Im so sad, so miserable.
I wake up crying ,I go to sleep crying ..
I want to go home there is nothing for me here or go anywhere with these people …I think I should end every thing
Hey guys .. I haven’t been on since January or the beginning of February . I’ve been so busy with my job .
Let’s just say my life has dramatically changed in the past few months . I got a new job and have been making good money , and met a whole new set of friends . I never thought my life could change so quickly . I was doing really well but I feel like I’ve been slipping off into my depressed state again. But it’s not as bad as before.
I realized a lot about my self over the past few months . I’ve gotten somewhat stronger too. But I still always feel like there is something missing . And nothing has really been able to fix that inside me . I wish I knew the answers to everything but I don’t .
But I give all my love to you all. I hope all is well.
My bf got out of hospital se had 2 good days i hope he stays better i been looking for job and stressed out cuz no one call me bk n i have to pay creditors bk im stress of this i hope all you are having a good thursday get a nice icecream u love today u deserve a treat i got my self recess cookie icecream
You know I can’t do this on my own Who will fix me now ? Dive in when I’m down save me from my self don’t let me drown
Living life in the fast watching myself from a distance
can’t tell the difference between what’s reality and my fantasy
Drifting floating sinking drowning
I don’t understand but it’s hard to breathe were im standing
a few cuts can turn a dark world colourful pain release trying to kill the thing inside
I don’t knew the difference between myself and my demons
disconnected from life plug me in like the matrix
red or blue pill il have em both swollow hoping Il choke
Man in the mirror who am I I’m watching my self from a distance have we ever been connected two different people in one body
come to think about it my lifes been a mess from the start from around 8 all iv knew is pain and suffering and reality it hard to bare I now understand why I used to drink and smoke weed everyday been sober for 3 years reality is hard mentally there a lot going on that I cant cope with it all my whole lifes been a dream I could see my self from a distance but can’t stop my self
Im so lost so broken Im trying with every fiber in my body to keep it together. but when I get myself in room alone I can’t function. I want to die soooo bad , I want it l to end . my husband seen me in ball of mess in the closet. He said “don”t worried I’ll take to get makeup later , so stop crying ” I said I dont care About the make up it sucks but whatever . I want to die i thought. Then he asked wich killed me to hear but felt numb inside. Are you unhappy with me ? I said no then he asked whats the problem then .i shouted in my head I want to die
But what came out is I hate my life. He told me it will get better. I dont think it will. Either I kill my self or My marriage Is over and I will not remarrie . and I know going to tahoe is a Mistake but when your inlaws play power games this is what happens . Im suicidal again . and no one knows my husband thinks I was over dramatic with my out burst yesterday . I will never again tell him how I want to die .
A lot of people are really having a tough time right now and I’m one of them
i can’t seems to get my head around why people get depressed? have I always been depressed subconsciously at one point my life was ok I guess then depression kicked in and it’s just escalated from there really I mean I self harmed since a kid not cutting scratching my self hitting then as I got older cutting came about
why do people get depressed some people can have everything live nice have money etc and still get depressed isit something in the water government trying to depopulate the earth another way ? We all have to drink water right who knows but living dose seem to much to handle in general right now there so much to die for finding solid reason to living is the hard part right now
Hello everyone, new to this. Never written in a forum, except for the SW forum on Reddit last week. Basically Im in deep shit due to my denial and stubbornness. I am way too disappointed in my self to forgive myself. I have hurt myself and in the process people that have cared for me.
I just feel I have reached my patience with myself, feel like I cant do it anymore. I cant commit suicide because that would actually mean giving my family the last fuck you. Least I can do is be here for when the shit unravels, and try to take it like a man. Cant fuck my family anymore, nor people who care for me.
The problem is I am a fucking zombie right now. Been researching so many suicide methods, I laugh at the knowledge I have gathered about killing oneself, like I cant believe I am in this situation.
So wanting to do it, but not wanting to hurt loved ones even more. Fantasized with making it look like an accident, sounded like a perfect escape, but honestly scared of that, because all ways out like that seem so painful, also not easy to plan at all.
So, just wanted to say hi, would appreciate any comment.
i wonder how much more can a fragile mind take before it cracks and you become a sociopath/psychopath
like fuck me im on my way there depressed suicidal anxious insomnia depersonalisation borderline personality disorder self harming If I run around cutting my self thats pretty much ok but if I do it to another person I’m a psychopath right ? Haha I think I need to be put away in a padded room with one of them hug yourself jackets til they can give us brain transplants or we wire this 1 cause it’s pretty message up
god dishing out any miracles ?
My prays go unanswered I’m walking blind here man kinda of struggling psychically fine mentally crippled I’m stranded no hope I can’t do this on my own don’t leave me out here in the dark no more the demons are real they eat at your soul sucking the very last bit of life from you it’s called depression Depression is like a cancer is start of small then spreads its way though your hole body and mind making us walking corpses we eat sleep shit that’s pretty much it or stare at the tv not really watching it just looking not at not behind just staring into nothingness ” deep breath “
I don’t know if this site is helping don’t get me wrong I like it here I no I should have killed my self last year iv just pro longed my pain and suffering really but is the site just pro longing the Inevitable ? I think that the more I talk about dying and suicide but not acting on it is a bit silly if you know what I mean can anyone relate to what I mean ?
I’m slowly eating my self fat again fuck my life I just come to terms with that I got a eating disorder now I’m binge eating and I can’t stop it’s just one thing after the other please kill me now I can’t take this shit no more
its that fucking void inside that fucking void always needs to be filled with something anything to fill it what a that fucking void it’s a empty space deep inside me but I don’t no what it is but I do no it dose what ever it takes to be filled u really do hate myself