i feel like I’m walking into a sacred temple of sorts and I’m defiling the marble staircases just by stepping onto them. If I walk past the oak doors and into the cathedral, the stained glass windows will shatter and the pillars will crack and crumble at my undeserved and unwanted entry; i have no place here, I’m barely lost. I am a wandering destruction.
I wrote something a few days ago, and i’m sharing it here, now.
“To the Readers”
Slip.
You slip and nothing is as it should be; the world around you is but an endless dream, a mere coffee stain on your notebook paper, the bleeding watercolors on your canvas. You take from it what you can and turn it into your best and most beautiful masterpiece, but when you see your mistakes from your past in your canvas, you tear it apart in a dash; you angrily rip apart what you created and wish that you’d not started.
Wish that you’d quite while you were ahead.
Time.
Time passes and you feel your bones creak and back ache from sitting up strait and typing your fears onto the empty word document that you have open before you, be it for some essay, a letter you’re not certain you’ll send or even an email to a friend. It laughs at you, mocking your every thought and every move, daring you, “go ahead; push ‘send’ and see that you won’t have afterthoughts. C’mon, I know you’re too chicken!”. You hurriedly slam your laptop shut and walk away, perhaps blare your iPod till your ears bleed. The volume is raised so high, you cannot hear it.
As it should be.
Fear.
Fear is your enemy, fear is your friend. Your ally.
You shun it, but you know it’s the truth. If you are afraid, BE AFRAID. let the fear wash over you and let the fire consume you. Because as soon as the fire takes hold of your aching, angry, hurt body… your fear dies.
You cannot be destroyed.
Oh, you powerful, beautiful, incomprehensible soul…
You cannot be destroyed!”
the saddest part of the above poem is that some days, if not most, and most definitely tonight, it is a lie. I have no energy anymore and pretending to be upbeat is only harmful to me; i cannot live this lie anymore and I ask no forgiveness. if you are reading this, anyone,.
I’m sorry
8 comments
You need not apologize to me. You write it out so well for an, as yet, unformed human with great soul. All your observations, your doubts, your self-questioning are qualities of an evolved soul. But you find yourself on a planet, in a body, which is alien to your psyche. The road you travel is harsh, but keep moving onward toward the day when you will become more whole. As one very wise person once said: “Dare you be what you could be if you would be.”
Please assimilate the challenge. You will hurt, feel defeated, worthless, alienated and alone; but you just might someday give a great small gift to this struggling planet in a large universe–a sacrifice for you, but a treasure for others.
For some time I felt the same way. I had low self esteem, had no friends, and felt disenfranchised from my family. But I started talking to people I knew more, in real life and online. If you don’t have a Facebook account, I’d suggest making one and getting back in touch with acquaintances from good times past. You can also find a lot of social sites to connect with people you don’t actually know but still have a like mind with. YouTube is the one major site besides Facebook that I still use for communicating my ideas, in a similar way that you’ve shown you can.
You really are a talented poet, Madison. I wouldn’t want to see someone with a mind as great as yours and with so much potential commit suicide.
If you want to have someone to talk to on YouTube, here’s my channel link: http://www.youtube.com/user/smithn383
im sorry, guys.. yesterday was awful and it blindsided me. i feel stupid for my behavior. i fell asleep and i wrote this, as a reminder. i still struggle.
“When you find yourself on the brink of defeat and you feel nothing is within your grasp, remember: Everything is tangible. It’s your solitary confinement of your own mind that separates you from your goals. Break down the wall and step outside.There’s a world full of potential and happenings, just for you.Fight for your dreams because they are your realities. You have the winning deck; just throw down the winning card and collect your pay.
Everything is tangible.”
im sorry, guys.. yesterday was awful and it blindsided me. i feel stupid for my behavior. i fell asleep and i wrote this, as a reminder. i still struggle.
“When you find yourself on the brink of defeat and you feel nothing is within your grasp, remember: Everything is tangible. It’s your solitary confinement of your own mind that separates you from your goals. Break down the wall and step outside.There’s a world full of potential and happenings, just for you.Fight for your dreams because they are your realities. You have the winning deck; just throw down the winning card and collect your pay.
Everything is tangible.”
ps. i spend too much time on FB as is.. 🙂
Sometimes still, I think I’ll never smile again; except, the difference now–I know I will.
I wrote that years ago and try to remember it when life gets low.
It’s hard when things keep going wrong and all at once..
life is like a narrow bridge, and then main thing is not to be afraid