i havent posted in about three years and its absolutely crazy how much has changed. i was a deeply depressed little girl but now im a mildy depressed teenager! great. Â Its weird how i can be the happiest ball of fucking light and next wanting to jump in front of a 16 wheeler. I have no friends that i have actual connections with. but hey not complaining cause i love being with myself. and another odd thing about myself which i still cant figure out is the fact that im vain as hell but loathe myself at the same damn time? I think im the hottest thing walking one second then i can have the self esteem of zero. i really hope im not the only one like this cause man i go fucking crazy analyzing like this. i just really want my feeling about myself to be constant. sorry this was pointless i think all i really want is someone to talk to with similar such thoughts.
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Three years, huh? Outstanding.
You sound like an even more volatile version of myself. Except I have no clause for vanity, I only ever look at myself long enough to have a shave. I like being alone too, but still crave companionship for [insert absurd reason here]. Ah this is the first I’ve heard, it’s odd you can’t see yourself in one constant way. Could be due to multiple associations with perceived views on what makes others “hot shit” or something. Maybe that’s exactly what you are: “the hottest thing walking with a self esteem of zero”. I’m not entirely sure, but it’s up to you to decide whether or not you want to change this view of yours.
I believe you may have manic-depressive disorder based on what you stated there. But I can relate to feel hot at one point and worthless at another. Lately though it’s mostly been feeling worthless because my life used to be very good at one point and now I’m just getting by.
I’d recommend keeping some friends though if you can, it’s good for your mental health and you have people to go see a movie with and so forth. I have a handful of friends though usually I find I hang out more with my family and don’t really miss my friends much-I can actually live without them if I had to.
I’m about to make some changes in my life soon and I’m hoping they will put me in a better standing and give me the kind of opportunities I once used to have. But in the back of my head I feel things will not work out as hoped and I’m getting closer to the idea of suicide.
I feel this world really don’t have a need for someone like me-despite all that I have to offer and recent experiences have made me realize I have little to live for. I’ve just had a lot of pointless emotions and suffering with little to show for it. What is the point of being sad and lonely, or angry with one’s own life or mistakes, or jealous of those that went on to do better than you even they are people you consider far beneath you?
As a philosopher once said ‘when it no longer becomes possible to live proudly, then one must die proudly.’ Making that happen is a huge problem on its own but I think at some point I will reach the end of my rope, I’m estimating 2-3 years from now, when I’ve given other options a shot.
What is life anyways? It’s so over-rated, two dumb fucks procreated, that’s how we got here and forced to live out this existence, but for what fucking reason? None at all-we’re a consequence of other people’s desperation, selfishness and stupidity. Why carry on in misery? Yes I really, really look forward to checking out. One of the few sublime thoughts that brings me some consolation and peace, knowing there will be an end to this garbage one calls life.
Excuse the types, it’s late. We definitely need an edit button.
typos…holy fuck
Which feeling makes you feel more comfortable — ‘I’m the hottest thing walking’ or ‘My self-esteem is zero’ ?
Think about it: the question is neither as dumb, nor as obvious as it might seem. The answer might give you clues as to how you could live a more equanimous and fulfilling life.
The hottest thing walking, would easily pick someone better than me, and so would likely define my value as low and insufficient, and subsequently disregard me.
the zero self-esteem will take just about any offer, maybe all of them.
Neither are what i want.
Your standards too high, precludes me. Your standards too low, precludes you.