now i know he’s a terrible person, or has a severe mental illness. i can’t decide. and i can’t decide which one is worse. he doesn’t care that he is preventing my from graduating. he doesn’t care. he doesn’t care about how terrible he is. I’m selfish? yeah i guess. does he not see how effing selfish he is?! and cruel?! omg. i explained everything in plain english, and nothing. he just keeps saying he hates me and he’s canceling his phone. HE HATES ME?! I HATE ME! I HATE ME BECAUSE IM NOT WORTH DIRT TO HIM. there is no getting through to him about anything! he just takes and takes and blames and hates. this pain is unbearable. how much can someone take?! how long does it take until he’s satisfied, or he’s punished me enough?! this is ridiculous! and i go along with it! i fucking hate myself. I’m an idiot. i fucking thought there was hope of getting through to him. i fucking tried my hardest. i don’t have the strength for this. i can’t take this. just leave me alone this needs to stop. he hates me so much?! he takes and takes and takes and takes, and when i can’t take it anymore when i think its unfair, HE HATES MY GUTS?! i don’t have the strength for this. this is unreal. i am in so much pain.
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You still need to start asking yourself the same questions that you keep screaming about him. How long until you’re satisfied? How long until you’ve been punished enough? This will end when you choose to get this person out of your life. Until then, there is no reason to be surprised that it still continues. You keep expecting different results from doing the same thing. Tired of touching the stove and realizing that it burns yet?
I hear you! I swear. i do! i really do. HE WINS! I GIVE UP! i don’t have any more strength! he hates me so much. that’s partly why it’s so difficult to let go! that’s why i cant look at the messages hes sending! ive had enough, and because of that, he hates my guts, he keeps going and going and going, and threatening. and then, he’ll disappear completely, as soon as he’s gotten the last word. all without seeing how unfair this is. i can’t and wont look at my phone. i give up.
I’ve been in a similar situation…
“How long until you’re satisfied?”
Forever (aka never), since i’m not getting what i want, but in fact, the opposite.
“How long until you’ve been punished enough?”
Passed that milestone long ago; i never deserved any punishment, but received it unjustly, and it just kept going, no matter what i did, didn’t, or tried.
“This will end when you choose to get this person out of your life.”
False. You might get the physical person physically out of your life, but this level of anguish will not be forgotten, and will continue rearing its ugly head whenever it wants, from within you. The experiences ingrained into your psyche are not going to change. All you can do is disallow the addition of more of the same.
In case you’ve never actually touched a hot stove, it still burns after you stop touching it, and the scar never really goes away… and the ensuing melting of flesh, alters the sensory characteristics of that burnt part.
What i’m getting at is this: cutting them out of your life (or being cut out of theirs) won’t stop you from burning, and won’t change how what you’ve already experienced, will continue to affect you. The damage is done. The best you can do is stop adding more damage, and try to live with the scars and altered sensory interpretation.
you’re right too. you both are completely right. and yes, it’s extremely difficult because i’m always going to be in pain and be scarred for the rest of my life. i know he thinks he’s going to be scarred, but he won’t, not the same way. because he sees no wrong in his actions and his head. he’s just going to move on, say “fuck you i hate your guts” to me, and go on the rest of his life thinking horrible shit about me, until he forgets me. Me on the other hand, impossible. i am damaged and scarred permanently, with permanent excruciating pain.