Alone

I come from a big family and yet I feel alone. I frequent many people and yet I feel alone. I live in a big city surrounded by people, by love, by energy, by lights, by actions, by smiles, by the world… and yet, again, I feel alone. I feel like there isn’t anyone in the world I could really talk to. I feel like I am a weight when I do talk about how I feel, about how I really feel.
I am often ashamed of my feelings. I know it’s silly. But that’s how I am. Self-conscious and really hard on myself.
At one point, it was because of grades. Another point because I didn’t want to disappoint (when I realized I am the only one I can disappoint). Another point in time, because of friendship. Having been bullied as a child (not extremely, but because of who i was, because, really, I was trying to be someone else) I never quite liked myself. There was something dysfunctional with who I was. Clearly, since I was never the popular one and people reprimanded me through bullying for who I was. I was never like the others. And now that I am older I realize I wouldn’t want to be like anyone else. Uniqueness is great. People tell me often that I am different from everyone else.. In a good way they say. I am truly unique and special. Now I know that who I am is ok. I have grown up my own way. And yet, I would like to have been different. As anyone would say, maybe prettier, skinnier, smarter.. so many things I could change, so many things I can change and so many things I am changing. I am a bit of a perfectionist
What has changed since when I was a child is that people really do recognize I think what I’m worth… People don’t bully me anymore… or not really. Some words still hurt. Some jokes still pierce my broken heart. Some thoughts destroy the work I’ve done.
And sometimes, what hurts the most is what does me good. Moments. Surprises. People. Love.
or the feeling of lack of
Where has it gone? It shows itself. It plays for a while and then disappears. I don’t even know if that’s what it is… Sometimes I think I might be crazy. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am. And when I lose myself is when I want to disappear. Just leave this earth and never come back. I feel too alone. Too left out. Despite all the efforts, that lonely bullied child never left me. It was always there. Always present. And now it wants to leave.
A lot of times I wonder what would happen if I did decide to depart. What would people say… would people care? Would people notice? Maybe… maybe not?
And life is so hard to handle. I just want to take the easy way out. I often wish I was in a car crash. I got hit by a bus or overdosed.
I no longer care. I don’t. I pretend to everyone else that I do but I don’t. I just want to leave. And I understand everyone who does too. Sometimes it’s unfair. And I know we should be brave and man or woman up… but sometimes you just don’t see the point. I don’t see the point anymore. I have never been as honest as this in my life. Never have spoken truer words. To me or to anyone.