I have an innate desire to die. It is ingrained in my every thought. I feel as though I have no reason to live. I’ve suffered from depression for ten years and I’m tired that it never goes away. Through medication and therapy there is no cure. Life is meaningless. Time passes and I go through the motions. There is nothing left but to sit and wait. Trying to convince myself that things will get better or looking forward to things that don’t matter. Am I not just creating an illusion to give me a reason to keep going? Â Once that goal has passed it is just a memory. What’s the point. The reason of life is to suffer. I feel that is the true representation of what it means to be alive. Happiness is the illness. It doesn’t exist. People just pretend to be happy to not have to deal with reality. The reality is nothing matters.
I do not have the guts to kill myself. I suffer and suffer and want it all to end but I fear taking that step. I fear failing and creating more issues for myself. I don’t know how to do it to be successful and not to be in pain whilst making my end.
Sadness and meaningless is my existence.
8 comments
This is exactly where I am in life,and I just turned 20 – not that it matters. I’ve already realized just how pointless life is, how pathetic society is, and all the nice things too. I don’t have the guts to end it either, so I’m just waiting. I don’t even care about myself anymore. I’m quite certain I won’t live to an old age. I’m on this self-destructive path,and I am waiting to die. Yeah, it’ll be slow and probably painful, but it’s at least easier than making that leap or pulling that trigger. I’ve researched so many methods,and have found only two that I would seriously try to attempt, but I never have because like I said:I don’t have the guts to do it. So now, I’m solely relying on fate because I know things will never get better. It will only continue to get worse, merely more of the same. I seek things that help and I try to keep those things close, but many of those are self-destructive…and do I care? No.
I think happiness exists. If it didn’t, people like you or I wouldn’t know what it is we are missing out on. But that doesn’t solve the problem of how one sided depression can become. Once you’re sucked into the bubble of sadness, leaving it behind isn’t a possibility. It’ll always find you so you have to remain on guard. Sometimes the depression lasts years!
When it catches you, it takes so much to shake it again.
I’m completely disgusted with the cycle of it. I know why people opt out of this shit.
I feel you. Even on the nicest of days I can feel that tug of just taking that leap. I never get there. I don’t know what keeps me from doing it. I know I fear failing the attempt more than anything. But why am I not able to do the absolute. Pull the trigger, tie the knot. I suffer day after day with knowing I am living a lie. The illusion of a life just because I am still breathing. The turmoil inside me is eating at me and every day is worse than the last. I can legitimately say my life has nothing to be so upset about. I have a loving family, a good job, I am good at everything I do. I can appreciate those things but deep down I know that they don’t matter. Nothing matters. We live, then we die! Everyone goes through the same cycle. What is the point! When we die we take nothing with us. We cease to exist. So why even continue on? We leave nothing behind. We are puppets to time trying to find meaning where none is to be had. We live to reach the impossible. It will never come.
exactly why I have lasted this long. Chasing dreams and goals to keep me distracted from the dark doom that lingers and asks the question,”what is the point?”
As soon as I attained my goals, I had to maintain them. It became routine, then I fell down deep.
Currently, no goals have me looking forward or up to anything. Needed to eat, sleep and breathe is becoming a task I’d rather skip.
But aren’t goals illusions to occupy our thoughts long enough to convince ourselves that there is a reason to live? Looking forward to something that eventually will pass and then we are back to where we started. Only now with a memory to remind us of what? Like you said. All a distraction to get us through one day to the next. I don’t believe in happiness. We are all just filling our voids with thoughts that we have meaning.
Goodness you sound just like me.
I watched a Swedish film a week or two ago called Stockholm East, and the one guy in it said (at least that’s how the English subtitles translated it):
“They say that we can survive anything. I don’t know if that’s true. Perhaps we can. Or perhaps it’s something we pretend when we need to.”
So I don’t know if that’s quite relevant….but it really struck me on how we all just live day to day, pretending we’re surviving when really, we’re slowly fading away. Quicker than “normal” people at least. Ones who haven’t experienced depression at its finest. Or were lucky enough to escape its grasp.
You either possess meaning or you don’t. Some find it in family, higher power, work or helping others. I’ve been motivated by all those things at one point, but not anymore.
You’ll have the courage someday.