My story, and how i feel.

Hey guys. well, where to start.  I’ve always had suicidal thoughts. when I was 17 my first serious girlfriend left me for her ex.  I went through a long stage of depression. for at least 6 months. I wrote a long suicide note to my family one night when I was certain I was going to kill myself. I was in bed, left the note laying on the floor. I had a plastic bag put it over my head waited a couple of minutes…I could slowly feel myself drifting away.  but as I was about to fall into the ‘no going back zone’  I had second thoughts and removed the bag. I just couldn’t do it, I was scared of death. still am, there’s never an easy way out.  I burnt the suicide that I wrote soon after my attempt. if my family saw what I wrote and how I feel, it wouldn’t be pleasant. I always keep my feelings to myself and I never disclose them. actually, this is the first time I ever have in a while. I dunno, I just feel like I need someone to understand what is going on in my head I guess.   I’m 19 now, a couple of years have gone with the wind.  I’m completely over that girl.   now, I have suicidal thoughts but for completely different reasons.  I just feel like my life isn’t going anywhere and all of my friends are moving on and I’m stuck in a ditch.  to tell you the truth, I don’t understand anything about life. I don’t understand our existence. I don’t understand why I’m here.  I love my parents to bits, they’re amazing and my life would be considered lucky to some.  I’m not being ungrateful at all, it’s just how I feel.   I’ve felt like this for a while and I think if it all gets bottled up I’m going to do something about it in the future if nothing good enters my life.