Haven’t slept in two days. Not depressed, just I get insomnia sometimes. I lie awake in bed with my eyes closed for several hours until my alarm goes off. So work was hard today. But I love my job. I thought about suicide for the first time in months today, but not with much conviction. I didn’t really want to die, not like before, but it just felt like it would be easier. I’ve stopped feeling depression (along with every other complex emotion) thanks to sertraline. It’s been such a long time since I felt happy our scared or angry or ashamed or sad. I like it this way. My emotions didn’t make any logical sense anyway. Anyhow, I still get visceral reactions to things. I really enjoy sex. I felt a rush of adrenaline shoplifting or hacking into the company server last week. I even considered using the RPC registry tweak I quietly applied to my boss’s computer to remotely shut it down just for fun. But I didn’t. I still got to think about my best interests. But it tickles me that I can do this stuff.
Life without debilitating depression is so different. I can motivate myself to do almost anything. And I realized that I’m incredibly intelligent. The stuff I do for work in my head is difficult for even the people working next to me to understand. It’s such a joke to me.
I’ve started going to the gym every day again. Not because I need it to be happy like before. Now I just want to look and feel stronger.
I enjoy cooking in my spare time. I’m always trying to impress other people with my skill and unusual or classy dishes.
I wonder if I’m developing narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies. I looked up “God complex” today and I realised I’m actually starting to feel that way. Not that it matters. I’m not desperate to end my life and I don’t owe compassion to anyone.
P.S this post is full of blatant lies. Â If part of this post bothers you, that part is a lie. The rest is all true.
19 comments
Wow Engie it’s been a long time, it’s great to see you and learn about your success, rock on 🙂
@Stendarr’s *****. Indeed it has, and thanks. I feel great. I went off the rails for a while, but my life feels like it’s back on track. Everything’s falling into place.
I have not slept for seven nights, you got some time to party left
Wow. Sucks to be you. I got my psych to prescribe me some sedatives that make some people hallucinate and can make you die if you take them with alcohol (something called respiratory depression, apparently). I don’t take it every night, more out of concern for developing a tolerance than addiction, but at least I’m confident I’m never going to go without sleep for that long again.
I can’t sleep because I’m dependent on ********. That’s a nice way out too.
I thought ******** was strictly a death barbiturate?
@Engie, I’m wonder which part are lies now? Is it basically all the things that aren’t depression related? Like cooking and going to the gym?
The self incriminating parts of my post are lies. It wasn’t me. I swear.
I’d never heard of sertraline before so I looked it up and found the brand name Zoloft which I think my doctor recommended to me a few months ago (along with a few other drugs). I wasn’t really interested in taking anything at the time so I never started, but if the effect on you is what I would get from it, it sounds like a good idea. I’d just as soon stop feeling anything at all if I can stop feeling depressed.
The side effects I read about seem rather nasty though (like worsening suicidality). Did you go through that?
That’s normal for the first couple weeks on any antidepressant. The side effects of sertraline are actually much milder than almost any other antidepressant I’ve been on.
I should also note that different people seem to react differently to different antidepressants. I only lost my capacity to feel any emotions at all after my psych upped me to the maximum dose. 200 mg daily.
I always wondered how pharmaceutical companies could determine how antidepressants and sleeping pills increase suicidal thoughts. I mean the people taking these medications are already depressed in the first place. And mood fluctuates daily with depression.
I think its a catch-all to cover their product when someone does suicide.
Pentobarbital (********) is also a truth-serum used in spy movies. Which is partly based in fact because the stuff does suppress activity in the area of the brain involved in lying.
Pass me some of that shit (********)
Pass me some of that shit (********)
******** is a definitive answer to your worst sleeping problem but only for a short time. It also gives you a deeply relaxed feeling the day after. But the dependence is like heroin. It’s been a month since I had the sleepless week after I quit the stuff. Now I take Protipendyl.
I looked up ******** once, apparently it is indeed used in small doses as a tranquilizer in some cases. Or rather, “was,” since i’m guessing they probably bend over backwards to keep potentially lethal substances out of the hands of their customers i mean patients, whenever possible.
Its better to have and not need it,than,need it and not have it .
I can send you 20 x 60 mg,(factory wrapped) $200 includes p&p(that’s twice the required amount
Nope, angle, it IS better to need it and not have it. Go sell your shit somewhere else.
Angle, twice the required amount for what exactly?
I may be misinterpreting your post, but it sounds to me like you’re selling a means to suicide on a forum for depressed people.
Now, I’m not going to pretend that I care how you make a profit (especially after some of the things I said in this very post), but I do find this to be in particularly bad taste.
Besides, if you’re selling it as a means to suicide, how could anyone trust you to deliver the drugs after you get the money? You already apparently don’t care about whether your customers live or die and because what you’re offering is illegal, your buyer has no recourse if you don’t deliver. It’s not like you’re getting repeat business.
If on the other hand I misinterpreted your comment and you’re sending these drugs for recreational use, then I can really only say that selling highly controlled medication on an open internet forum is an easy way to get busted.