I’ve been reading some posts on here for a few days and it’s helped a bit. I guess i was curious if anyone felt the same way i felt. I’ve had depression my whole life. I was sent to a psychologist when i was 8. There she told me i had chronic depression and a bunch of other crap. I’ve just kind of bottled my feelings inside my whole life. It wasn’t until i hit 16/17 years old where i realized it was okay to feel this way. Well.. not okay.. but that i wasn’t alone or a freak for it. Anyways.. i’ve still pushed things down and not dealt with them. I went through a really rough break up about a year or so ago. I was devastated and when found out he slept with someone else i tried to commit suicide. I don’t think it was really my intent to die, but i was dealing with severe anxiety and just wanted the pain and shaking to stop. I ended up drinking a mickey of vodka and took 30 gravol pills. I overdosed like none before. For someone who never did drugs, it felt weird that a drug took so much control over me. Anyways.. fast forward a year and a bit later it brings us to now. I started getting really depressed again around November. It was so bad i was calling into work, never leaving my house or my bed for that matter. I left dishes in the sink for weeks, it was awful. I finally agree after having a close friend almost die to suicide to get some help. Since then i’ve had several appointments with my GP. He’s been a bit helpful, but there’s not much he can do. I started on Cipralex, low dose of 10mg. After a month i became quite suicidal. I made an attempt after being stressed and overwhelmed by my emotions. I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to kill me.. but i wanted to try. I took 3 sleeping pills, 10 of my cipralex and handful of Gravol, probably 15 or so. Anyways.. unsuccessful.. i woke up about 18 hours later.
My friend tried to force me to the ER but i refused. Everyday it seemed to be getting worse. All i thought about was wanting to kill myself. Trying to decide if life was worth living. I had a follow up with my GP last monday and we decided to switch me to Zoloft. I’m started on 50mg. It was going alright until i got upset later that night. I didn’t know what to do.. so i took 16 gravol. The nights previous i was taking 10 gravol pills. The effects it gave me were scary. I could barley move, i lost my vision and couldn’t think. I was so confused. I told my friend the next day and she forced me to the ER. I guess it was good, but i still have all these thoughts. They gave me a prescription for seroquel. The seroquel is amazing. But the first thing i thought about was .. how can i OD on them. My family at home found out what was going on so they took all my pills. =( I’ve managed to steal a few of them back.. but nothing that could do any damage.
I just don’t know what to do. Right now i don’t have as many suicidal thoughts, but when i’m upset.. all i wanna do is grab a bottle of pills and swallow them all.
Any in sight?
6 comments
All these pills you are taking aren’t going to kill you. After the experiences you’ve had so far, you probably realize that. Death by swallowing a bunch of pills isn’t a very successful means of suicide.
I suppose you need to ask yourself do you really want to die? Have you sought out other methods or made any final plans? If you don’t want to die, you should call your friend next time if you have those urges.
It’s the only way i have real access too. I don’t think i want to die, but my head is telling me i want too.. so that’s why i think i take the pill route. So it will hurt me in a way, but not kill me.
Seems like you’re in that in between stage which is a horrible spot. Pharmaceutical drugs that are abused really are hard on your organs. I’m telling you anything that you don’t already know….
I’ve always had the thought in the back of my head, but compounding situations in life make it more and more appealing. I would have to say my biggest fear of attempting would be living through it. So I can’t even imagine what it’s like for you since you are on the fence…. I feel for you.
Thank you. Unfortunately it has put a halt on most things in my life.. including work. I’m told to trust the system and it will get better. But who knows. For know i’m taking life day by day. Everything happens for a reason. But thank you!
Trust the system? Who in the hell told you that?
morrs084 ,
pills are not good for you, would you please stop thinking about them, I took them things only got worse after while, I think there good short term then you have to decide to go back and try with out them, that’s what I did, yes things still suck but not like they did, I think about offing myself everyday but keeping busy helps, I have everything to kill myself for sure! and that seems to help me because I know if I do it, it’s truly going to work, which makes me think twice ha ha, so I try not think about it as much, or else, sounds dumb but it worked for me. so far? ha ha