“What is to give light must endure burning”

Im a 21 yr old man and have been suffering from severe depression and even worse social anxiety for about half my life. Ive been a victim to mental,physical, and the worst imo sexual abuse. The last 3 years ive really just wondered why im still here and whats the point when i just isolate myself to my room all day. I actually get kinda pissed somedays especially when im on a drug and alcohol binge and i manage to awake after doing a bunch of dope and drinking jack n cokes. Why does mental health care suck so bad? Ive been to numerous doctors,shrinks,etc. and they all just jam their crappy meds in my face which ive tried 12 or 13 and non worked. I used to self medicate alot but unfortunately no drink or drug works forever and I still end up laying in bed at night not sleeping. I have attempted suicide numerous times in the past mostly eating bottles of pills ambien, and stupid otc stuff like 60 tylenol which yeah I realize is the dumbest most painful way to die but what can i say i was 16 just quit my job cause of gut wretching anxiety and was sleeping 4 hours every 2 days so i really didnt care at that point. Im now 21 have 1 friend and everyone despises me because i work 1 day a week as a janitor never really had a girlfriend and sit in my room drinking and doing dope when i get money. Sorry if this is a bit long i just really needed to vent maybe someone has been in my shoes but idk thanks for reading.