I don’t know anymore.

…You know what, despite everything I’ve done to myself, I’m done with myself, because I hate myself. I’m only living now for others, I’m living because they want e to, I’ve been feeling like this for quite some times now after it went away it seems to come back again and I’ve not been able to tell anybody about it. to get by, every day seems like four days and every night seems like I’m fading into a black hole to despair and doom again, I’m not ready to surrender to people for being myself, but I am willing to surrender myself up for whatever I have done and accept he consequences I ritualise and torment my self with. I can’t stop having these compulsions and thoughts of hurting people so I hurt myself instead, I act as if I know what I’m doing is bad when The things in my head tell me they’re good. But I know the difference from right and wrong I just get so tired so easily. I can’t go on like this upsetting people but in my ocd ruled world, where the voices control what I eat, wear, smell like and tell me what to do in my head I’ve tried loads of things to be normal, just like everybody else. Some people think it’s attention. seeking, but I don’t, I try to help people but I can’t listen to my own advice, I just can’t take it. I help all these people out with their problems or talk to them and I, left there struggling to see the point in myself being here. I know what I want to do but others don’t know really what I want to do, and the voices are the only ones that listen to me, even if they don’t listen very well. I feel like I’m shouting out and nobody’s hearing me, people say stuff so I don’t feel so angry by then I’m mad and I can’t then clam down. But I can’t. I’m turning into the voices I hear. Im scared of the voices and I’m scared of myself, the monster i have truly and really become the monster that’s become inside of me, I know I sound stupid as if there’s nothing wrong with me and I’m trying to stAy positive about things but I can’t. I just can’t. and everybody else can go fuck themselves because it’s up to me and It’s not my fault. Lately I’ve been starting to see people and things that aren’t normal. I hear voices telling me to do things, because I’m ruled by them as their my best friends, and the only ones that I can truly escape with. They are the only ones I can truly reside in and trust, but I don’t trust them all fully. I can’t even trust myself anymore. I can’t trust myself to let things out in more positive ways than through what I’m doing now and I’m ready to blow, quite literally. So, I don’t know what I’m going to do, but suffering and feeling like a failure is the key thing at the moment, if I can do that, then I’m succeeding in bringing myself even more down. I don’t like talking to people about things like this, I feel as if I can’t because I’ve always had this stupid little thing in my head telling me that I can’t talk to women about it I’ve got to talk to men because I feel safer in a way, but that’s the voices telling me to, that’s why I dress the way I dress, I see myself being turned back into a monster, like I’ve got bits of both worlds I. Me, my reality and my dream world. I’ve tried as hard as I can to stood thinking I positively and focussing on my good bits like I’ve got a fun personality and I’m crazy sometimes, but that’s only hiding the real me, the shy, intimidated me who gets frightened and scared easily and I know I sound ridiculous but I don’t know what else to do. I’ve tried everything to end these horrible,voices telling me stuff, but I can’t make them stop. I know one way to make them stop, that’s why I’m writing this, to tell everybody the real reason I’m not here, I’m going to my dream world, to my paradise where the voices can’t harm me anymore.
Hopefully. Some day.