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we need a base. we seek for a base. we invent it; we call it self. the thing on which you can stand your desires, the thing which you think you own and can call yours, the thing using which you can rationalize your arguments (and others seem to acknowledge them, for they also need it). indeed you can suffer for this self, just for the sake of owning it. which came first – self or desire? ‘Thought, with an end in view, creates the thinker’ – J. Krishnamurti. anyways. once i had a self, non-reflecting type. it was the one given by society. then something happened. those two nights when i looked at stars and contemplated the God question. what made me do that has a funny story behind it, but leave that for sometime else. something indeed got into me in those two nights. sleeping state was over. i… was no longer the same. the society created self was gone. in a moment! but no new self replaced it. oh what curiosity followed after that. all my tasks were either about understanding and admiring nature or about making others happy. nothing could touch me. i was… selfless. and i didn’t know it. that’s the crux of life. i was selfless, but i didn’t know any other way of existing, so it was normal to me.

then came the self doubt. i finished school and entered college where my marks weren’t quite upto the mark. it started small but, man, how fast it spread. i became addicted to facebook and used to spend almost all my time into it. the more my mom nagged and cursed me the more i was falling into pit. that’s how my new self took birth – out of self-doubt and fear of future/survival. i think fear came first and then self-doubt. for two and a half years i searched desperately in science and spirituality. what i was searching for? i told myself i was searching for secrets of universe. but it was an excuse. an excuse for my guilt over my inability and weakness. only i know how guilty i was and how i loathed myself. my guilt over my inability to control myself. in spirituality i told myself i am following Buddha, but i think what i was doing was trying to control myself. i said i am seeking freedom, but what it was was control hunger. and it all was ofcourse out of that self doubt or that fear. i still can’t completely figure out what happened there, but what i know is that my new self took birth like that. i wonder if what i am doing or seeking now is also mere product of that doubt/fear. i can’t directly see it, but i am sure it is. its the bigger circle inside which all other circles were born, even if it doesn’t look bigger than them. its the first cause which gave birth to all other causes; and now the other causes seems far greater and of far more powerful than this but believe me if you end this cause, all other causes will vanish on their own. if you complete this circle, all other circles will disappear. a projector can create a whole 3D world yet if you turn the projector off all world will disappear on its own.

i have desires, but they based on this self. this self has a fixed beginning and has definite causes. this proves this self is not permanent.

yet its so bounding. i know i can do otherwise, then why don’t i? there is a baseness in this self. there is revenge, hate, suffering and all kind of other things in it. they are seducing, they are glue-like. how good it feels in taking revenge. how many more aspects these other people add into life. indeed they make life life like. that’s the web of life, isn’t it? that’s the maya. but, do i want all this? do i want life? what do i want? can i find its answer outside of wants of this self? how am i gonna decide that, how am i gonna believe that? but the fact also is that i have never fully believed or accepted this self’s desires in all these years. there was always such impurity, such repulsion even in their desiring. is it a matter of believing? i believe in my old no-self. is it because that felt good and this feels bad that i am choosing former one? i don’t think so. what if it also felt good? hmm, i don’t think i will still be choosing it. it has a fixed, known origin, that doesn’t, that’s why i am choosing that, i think. and this makes me feel that i want truth more than i want freedom. or is it because i need truth to go to freedom? i am not able to decide between the two. i know they’re gonna clash in future, just like Buddha and truth did. and that’s when it will become clear whether godhood makes my soul or whether lust for life wins over everything else.

ugh. forget big talks. the point is i can’t figure out what makes me choose this over that. it gives me a standing. its like the resting bed for my wearied spirit. i wanna sleep. i wanna do things mechanically so that i don’t have to deal with anything new.  why do i want such dead-like state? i know the answer lies in every moment, in my every act, yet i can’t seem to figure it out. who am i? that’s where the answer lies. if i take myself as a social being, then i can understand why i want that dead-like state. if i look at myself as an individual, then i don’t care about other and indeed like the former free no-self. i once made a theory that every person has two personalities – individual and social, and people differ only by their ratios or proportions. i made it when i was mostly individual. i wonder what i am now.

this suffering has produced big changes in me. on one hand i’ve got rid of Osho (or call it Buddha or God) but on the other hand i’ve become base and purposeless. yet something in me still wants me get up off my arse and find something. its i think the idea of wasting life. wasting life seems such a terrible thing to me. i can do anything but it. if there is something i should get to it. i need to experiment again. i need to start from the start again. i agree that i don’t trust anything, but i don’t trust myself either. that’s the reason i don’t trust my suffering either, and that’s the reason i always have hope. back then, i used to wonder about suffering people. i used to wonder what suffering feels like that so many saints talk about it. now that i know it, now that i have tasted life, i can safely make and believe a few views about it. i can say that i experienced it and found it just as fake, uncertain, not-trustworthy-to-make-a-home-on, as my previous state. but if there is no life and no otherworld either, where else would i go? what else would i try to explore or experiment upon? refusing both god and man what else is left?