No matter how good I feel, no matter where I go or what I do, I always know that it’s coming. I’m scared to fall in love, I’m scared to make friends, I’m scared to have children. Because those things are all I’ve ever wanted, but I’m terrified that I’ll get them and then leave them. What kind of mother leaves her children on purpose? But I KNOW in my heart that having children won’t ever fix this. That as much as I may love them, I simply cannot stay. And I am SO sorry.
2 comments
I’m also afraid to fall in love.
Because the attachment comes at a price- a risk of loss.
I’m also afraid to make friends, as it could turn into a poor investment of time.
I’m afraid to have children with someone, because I’m afraid I’d be a bad father.
But just like most transactions, there is a cost, and to me it seems the cost you aren’t willing to pay is persevering through fear.
I feel the only solution to this is an ability to make an unwavering decision, a pact to yourself under any conditions, if you will?
Best of luck. The great thing about the future is in this case, you do indeed have a choice.
Dios mio… You’re like the female incarnation of me (albeit less gruff and more refined). I’ve always wanted my own daughter, it’s been a very comforting thought throughout my life, and I’ve even looked into adoption as a possibility as well. Neither of us will know until it happens. I’m fearful of the future as always, but to think I could have my own baby to raise and raise with all the love in the world…that’s a dream worth striving for.
May I wish you good health and fortune in whichever path of life you choose to follow. I’m sure you’d be an outstanding friend and parent 🙂