Late Night Sadness

I don’t know what I am. Is that bad? Last time I posted on here I could’ve easily said I was depressed beyond belief. Hell, I was seriously contemplating suicide. However, I don’t like self-diagnosing. So now I suppose I could say I am unbelievably sad.

But alas, I am even confused about that! Today was a fabulous day; it wasn’t raining for Pete’s sake! I also had a solo performance today, which I got a 2 on. A 2 is great. 1 is best, 5 is worst. Whilst that all happened and made me feel warm and phenomenal inside, I can’t help but feel sad nonetheless.

I remember I talked about the root of the problem last time. I know I’ve got problems with a certain lanky, red-haired fool that I am head over heels for, as well as my dropping grades and upset parents. But I lightly brushed up on the problem that has really bothered me from then up till now, and I’m sure this subject will continue to bother me for all of eternity.

My weight.

I absolutely, 100% without a doubt hate it.

I hate my body so much. I hate how my legs seem to stick together, how I do have a thigh-gap but not a very promient one, how when I sit down my legs get so much fatter. I hate my stomach, which I’ve grown to always suck in, even when I’m alone and there’s nobody to judge me.

Because of my hatred for my body, I hate eating. Tomorrow, I plan on consuming absolutely nothing. I wish I could eat absolutely nothing every day of my life, but it’s difficult. Most days I skip breakfast and lunch and then eat the smallest quantity ever for dinner. Today I splurged and allowed myself to eat a blizzard at Dairy Queen. Told myself it was my reward for doing so well on my performance.

Now I realise how bad of a mistake that was. I mean, all that is going to go to my stomach and legs, which’ll just add to my weight, which’ll make me even more insecure, which means I’ll want to hurt myself, which means I’ll exclude myself from everyone and everything, which means I won’t have any friends which means I won’t have a place to sit at at lunch which means I’ll be a loner which means people will judge me.

Do you see how much this is affecting me now? I’m practically shaking, making it hard to type. Arhh.

I need to find a way to skip out on dinner. I can figure it out occasionally, but that rarely happens. Curse my family for having put together family dinners. And curse my dad for having put together family lunches as well. That’s the only reason I like school; I can go without eating for the majority of the whole day and just tell people that I ate a big breakfast. Ah, aren’t I so cunning? Not necessarily, but I do like to think so.

I wish I was more original and intelligent, perhaps then I could find a way to skip dinner on some nights, though I wouldn’t be able to do so every night because I don’t want everyone getting suspicious (everyone meaning my parents)

Also, I’m very curious to know: how is it that I’m immensely sad but then I can still manage to laugh and smile at lunches with friends? It feels awfully fake.