It’s not sadness I feel. I don’t even feel anger, nor do I feel numb. I feel empty. I am devoid of a soul.
The Jews say a soul is what makes us special. It is what separates us from the lifeless tools we use. I feel like God forgot to put my soul in me when he made me, leaving me a tool to be used. I feel like the Golem when he no longer had a purpose.
I don’t often think about myself in the terms of Jewish faith. My father is Jewish, not I. It’s the only way I can describe it though. I feel like a mistake, a human created without a soul. I take up space, and am ultimately without value to myself.
I can’t ask for help. When I do, it is ultimately inconvenient. I am now a burden, not a daughter. I am a problem, and not a sister. I am an illness, and not a person.
1 comment
Ya, I get that way. I get what you’re saying. I’m a zero looking for one…shit…I’ll take a 1/16th.
then you get to the place of empty. Believe it or not..Empty..is a great place to be. When you’re empty then you’re open to everything…will accept life as it is. When you’re head and life is full of junk and stuff there’s no room for life to enter, so you suffer more. Empty. Live there.