A few days ago I wrote an update. I wrote about how much better I was doing. How much happier I was…
Why is it that one little thing can cause me to go spiralling back into what I was before? I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to be that person again. I don’t want to lose any more friends. I don’t want to live every day in pain. I just want to be me.
My parents split up almost two years ago. Some would say that alone is traumatising, but I was surprisingly okay with it. It was for the best at the time. Choosing which parent to live with however, I was not okay with. How do you choose between your mother and your father?
At first, I chose my father. I chose to stay in my childhood home with the people I grew up with. But my father was and is a stranger to me. I didn’t know how to speak to him. Loneliness caused me to move in with my mother. But anyway.. That’s not what this is about. Every now and again I come visit my dad, which is where I am right now. But my dad has moved in with his fiancé… And my childhood home is being rented out to another family.
So yes.. That’s what this is about… The house. Today I went to see it… I hadn’t been in a while and I thought it might be nice to see it, but I was wrong. Seeing another little girl’s things in my old room was heart wrenching. Thinking about all those happy memories of my childhood.. of back when I had a family. The new family is only half moved in, so some of the house is empty… walking through those empty rooms killed me. I couldn’t handle it. I thought of all the little things that I never got to experience one last time. Family meals is probably one that I miss the most. Sitting down with my entire family, talking about random things. I just miss it… I miss feeling whole.
In both places now there’s something missing. In both places I feel lost.
I feel kind of stupid for going to the house, if I’m honest. I feel even more stupid for going into my room…Â Her room… Because that’s what triggered this.
1 comment
Well, you’re bound to have your ups and downs. Little things will set you off, but with enough time you should be able to bounce back. Just like one little sip can send an alcoholic spiraling back into a drinking binge and back into their old habits, one upsetting event can send a recovering depressive person back into theirs. Nothing to do but keep trying, or give up and submit to your ways. But don’t be discouraged…these things take time.
I can imagine the feelings that would come with wandering through that house. Change is one of the biggest parts of life, and learning to deal with it is one of the biggest tests. Of course that can be difficult when it seems like all of the changes that are happening are bad ones. But that’s life sometimes. Just remember that grief is a part of a process. A painful part, but usually a necessary one.