I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like an idiot but I’m honestly hanging by a thread and at this point I’m just looking for some sign that this isn’t all pointless and that I’m actually going to be okay. Everybody has told me it’ll get better for years. It’s only gotten worse and worse so I feel desperate and stupid. I hate depression. I’m so tired of being in pain every day from something I can’t even control. It physically hurts my heart at this point, it’s so powerful. I just want it to stop. What’s the point in any of this? I’ll never be anything worthwhile so I’m honestly just wasting space on earth. Please make it stop.
I don’t wanna fucking live anymore. I hope there’s no afterlife. I just want to die, and that is fucking it. If there was another realm or anything of the sort, I’d seriously be more fucked up than I’m now ‘cause I think the problem is not just with my body and my mind, but also with my soul – if there is any. I feel like some evil maggot has drilled a hole so deep in my skull that it is controlling every fucking thing that’s me. I just wanna be gone. Forever. I wanna die, and I don’t give a fuck about anyone. I don’t love anyone. I just can’t. Wait, it’s not what it seems like. I don’t want to die ‘cause I’m lonely or some shit like that. Not even close. I’ve people that actually love me bat-crazy, but I don’t give a solitary fuck about any of ‘em. Sure, I’ve helped ‘em with academics and still do, but that’s only ‘cause I’m condescending – Not because I like any of ‘em back. Heck, I don’t even reply to their messages most of the time. I’ve ignored everyone around me for almost a decade now. I wouldn’t even be surprised if they all hated me to the bone now. It’s understandable. I mean, who the fuck puts up with a shitty friend like me for years? It’s actually okay for I don’t seem to care even a tad. Anyway, I was the most successful kid at school. I was the consecutive topper for a decade. I was teachers’ favourite. Though I hated it, I was always surrounded by friends back in the days. I had the coolest of things; thanks to my mum! I was never bullied. I was never humiliated. I had a good run. Everything was A-OK except the fact that I could never be happy, no matter what. Nothing fucking mattered, and nothing matters. I can’t enjoy the things that normal people enjoy. Maybe I just never intended to try ‘em out? I don’t know. I’m 21 now. I never danced, never partied, never smoked, never had sex. Nothing really. I guess it’s just the way I’m. It’s not rocket science. Shit’s simple – I’m fucked up beyond repair. That is all it is. Mind you, I’m the shittiest person you’ll ever meet. I’m not even kidding. I don’t hate anyone more than I hate myself. I wanna go. I really wanna.
i read a story once about a man who was tied to a chair facing a cave wall with a fire behind him. He couldn’t look left or right or even at himself, just the wall. As things went past her saw the shadows of them on the wall. That became his reality, it was all he knew. I can’t shake this feeling that I’m not really here, or anywhere. What are my thoughts? I’m just a vessel for tiny organisms to be transported, maybe my conscience-ness was a mistake? How do I know anyone else can even have thoughts and feelings? What is my reality?
I don’t really know where to start with this. The school year’s just begun but I already feel like I’m dying. Like, I really just want it to end and I feel all alone and I dunno. I know that people would miss me if I died but now I just can’t bring myself to really care as much. I’m just empty and numb and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Like, why can’t I just move out and go to college already so that I can fuck up my life without anyone here to see. Like, why was I born. Why do I exist? Why can’t someone just kill me already. I’m stupid and worthless and I don’t take good enough care of my pets and I’m not responsible and I don’t do homework but I just don’t care. Like, why can’t someone just end me already? I dunno. Everything’s crashing down around me even though there was nothing there to begin with. I feel like my life is falling apart when nothing’s happening. Like, why am I not dead yet? I dunno. I don’t see much point in anything anymore. Like, my meds really don’t feel like they’re doing much even though I’m probably better off than where I was a year ago but I just don’t want to deal with this anymore. I’m so tired of living. I suck at writing stories, I suck at school, I suck at playing violin, I’m a horrible caretaker for my pets, I’m useless, I’m selfish, I feel like I’m just faking everything for attention and I don’t even know if that’s true. Like, am I faking this or is it genuine? And if it’s genuine, why can’t I be like normal people and not bring attention to by problems. Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I be responsible and stop making excuses for myself. I should just get it together. I’m so tired of everything. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.
I’m so tired of my freaking job… Sigh…
It’s just so demanding…
I work at Goodwill and here everything is already used and donated so everything is priced by stickers that can easily come off. o.o Then it has to be updated weekly as much as possible while old stuff comes off…
It’s hard to explain, but this can be really hard and exhausting…
For me at least, it’s a one man job too and I often even run out of stuff! Then like, I had to take a week off to spend time with my family and it was nice to get away from everything… but then of courde that had to make things a lot harder…
It’s often unhygenic too and I find myself sneezing a lot from thr fust and other stuff…
Then they got all these “values” messages blaring repeatedly every day in the store, and all this crappy music I’m sick and tired of hearing of…
This job is honestly one of the maon reasons why I want to kill myself, though I also seem to have no real life friends or even a future so there’s that too.
I still live with my family at 27… my parents got divorced when I was in middle school as a teen or something, however long back, but like last friday for a few hours midday my dad and stepmom were fighting too which my stepmom has also been married to someone else before and has kids so yeah… just neverending remarriages and fighting, god I hate everything…
I’m diagnosed with autism too even though the symptoms don’t really fit me. I’m not literal minded, I had to learn poetry in 7th grade before I was even diagnosed as a high schooler. Then doctors thought I had ADHD as a child and so on…
I mean, I guess I don’t really get along with people but…
I just don’t understsnd why it’s only me in my life and all these other jerk offs are able to be considered completelt normal even though some of them make me feel like crap.
I had to get a special program called DARS to help me because when I tried myself about 5 years or so after graduation and getting fed up no one would hire me… ot was hard too because I have social anxiety, least over formality… it just seems so… arbitarily judging, it scares me…
I can’t seem to quit my job either because my dad says it would cost me money next time to help me…
He literally does not give a crap about abything, I hate him…
You ever feel like people only help you because they have to, materially, and to get something out of it or something?
I mean, he’s physically abused me before… it still hurts to remember the pain of that…
… I just want to destroy society sometimes and never have to work again… I don’t even have dreams anymore…
I mean, I almost kind of want to be a therapist, maybe, but…
God idk I’d rather just die soon…
If I ever die on all of you then I’m sorry…
If being an adult as far as liking comedies go is to like stuff like Soith Park and The Big Bang Theory like my family does, then I’d rather not having anything to do with it!
I can’t stand all that “rude and crude” humor, it’s terrible, every character annoys me in these sitcoms, none of them are relatable or sympathetic at all…
And I find so many things about being an adult really complicated and hard…
Getting a license, getting a college degree, getting a bank account and debit (I have that set up though), learning to drive, how real estate works so I know how to get my own place, etc…
Dude, no one has ever told me how to do anything. ._. Doing everything on my own is hard…
I kind of want to be a kid again… except I don’t. I don’t want to be taken care of anymore and I don’t think the nostalgia of old games or show I grew up with matter, I can just use stuff like youtube or dowbloading an emulator for that, usually… and I have done that for a few things a long time ago. :p
I kind of miss my self… When I was lot happier and I didn’t know how muxh the world sucked and how superficial everything seems…
Sometimes I just want to live in nature and know how wilderness survival works…
Man, idk… It’s not like instinctual to know how society works, right? It’s something you learn and gdt taught to you somehow, or do yourself…
It’s just… ughhh…
Here’s a poem I made on Facebook on June 1st, when I really needed to vent. :p
(It’s a bit dark and sadomasochistic, instead of just plain masochistic, I hope that’s okay…)
Not that anyone cares, most people just ghost me…
People usually ignore me or hate me, I’m not sure if anyone is at fault when people leave me or don’t want to talk to me and I’m not sure if I should even care…
I just want to be myself… people are too different from me…
I might make a full post about myself later, but right now I’m kind of lazy. :p
Anyways, here’s the post. Enjoy. <3
(June 1, 2018 (Friday) (26))
Topic: The Solipsist
(Poem by me)
I’m pure evil in reality, yet pure good in the imaginary.
Death is the only freedom I know,
The more I suffer, the more my hatred grows and grows.
Everything I do is to make myself feel free,
In the end, I just want to be me.
Life often doesn’t even seem real,
What does it take just to be able to feel?
When the world ends and burns to the ground,
I’ll be happy knowing there’s no more deafening sounds.
So far I’ve been chasing myself and trying to keep distracted. I’m failing.
My health is failing. I feel nauseous and wonky. I act as though everything is fine and my life is faultless.
My heart is racing in my chest. My arms are weak and my eyes burn to the back of my skull. I am restless and yet empty.
I’m failing. I just can’t see myself carrying on like this.
I’m so tired of being tired. I would like death to come and embrace me now but I am in too much pain to go and seek it.
Damn chronic illness. Why me? I would not wish this on any being, but why me? As though I have not suffered enough.
I am now on constant medication. I’m only 25 and I want out. 25 is longer than I expected to live.
Today, I hear another celebrity has died from suicide. Everyone says it’s such a pity and sad. I am envious. I am envious of their freedom. Their freedom from pain and suffering.
I know I am ill both physically and mentally. I wish it could all stop. I wish I could be normal. I hope to someday be free
Hey. For starters, I’m 18. As soon as I turned 18 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s the youngest you can be with this diagnosis. I grew up in a stable house hold, with stable parents, and 2 stable older brothers. Where the hell I came from is beyond me. From an early age I showed signs of isolation and poor self esteem. In the 6th grade I wrote a letter regarding how depressed I was to my teacher. No action was taken.
Even as I type this, I feel no attachment to my past. I feel no connection to the daily self harm that consumed (and continues to influence me) for years. I hardly remember my times in the psych hospitals, times that I was forced to drop out of high school temporarily for overdosing on blood pressure medication. Being doped up on psych meds like it aint no thang.
Now when I say I feel no attachment to this, I wish I could say it was a positive thing to say. That I am so happy with my life now that I have completely forgotten what it was like to be suicidal, to hate myself and this existence.
No, in fact, what I am saying is, I go in and out of feeling like one goes in and out of a swimming pool. One minute I’m screaming that I’m done with this world and I hate not being normal. Slamming the door only to throw myself onto my bed. I’m so paranoid of attachment. And then there’s the times where I stare at the wall. No thoughts pass through my mind, let alone emotion. I don’t give a fuck.I don’t care about anyone but my own self protection from others that ruins my relationships with everyone around me. I feel like a void upon this earth. A black hole sucking up oxygen that has better uses than filling my lungs. And sometimes it’s worse. I have disassociation episodes where I see black spots in my vision and my eyelids ache and my mind shuts down completely. But when I bounce back from it, it’s like it never happened.
I hate the fact that a fucked up being like me exists. I wish I had never been born, been thrust into this world, a person who doesn’t belong here. I’m a university drop out, a failure in the eyes of many as I bounce back and forth between jobs and living situations. I have one stable friendship. My parents hate the pain I cause them everyday with my selfish, self preserving nature. I hope I get hit by a bus.
But hey. Like I tell everyone.
I just don’t know what to do with myself now. I’ve pretty much completed the biggest part of my bucket list (somewhere I traveled) and now I can’t seem to motivate myself at all. I know what I would want to do in the future, but now it feels like whether I make it to that point or not doesn’t matter at all. I have a wonderful life filled with supportive and kind people who tell me daily how much potential I have, but I have nothing to show for it. Guilt and a vague but almost desperate feeling of “there’s surely something left for you here, this must be where you belong!” is really all that’s keeping me here, but my realizing I can’t keep relying on escapism and unhealthy coping mechanisms forever is chipping away at what hope I have left. My depression has improved greatly from when I was suicidal and undiagnosed, but now my OCD is worsening, progress seems to have stagnated, and emptiness is starting to settle right back in, slowly but surely. I’m terrified of becoming the person I used to be all over again, and talking to my psychologist… telling her that everything’s beginning to fall back? That all the progress that took place is just gone? Call me cowardly, but I can’t bring myself to put either of us through the whole damn cycle again for it to keep repeating. Everything seems to be relapsing at once, but I can’t afford to show it.
I used to enjoy softball. It was hard work, sometimes it was draining, but I actually like. I don’t think I do anymore. Everyone expects something from me. My parents and tournament softball coach think that I can play college and expect so much more than I’m capable of. My high school coach thinks I can’t do anything and doesn’t give me a chance. He expects nothing from me. I can’t deal with all of this. I wish I could go back and start over. I wish I was more athletic. I wish I was more confident in myself. I wish people could see the real me. I wish I didn’t have to feel numb and empty anymore. I can’t feel. I should be stressed out of my mind this week, but I’m not. Because I’m done with this whole thing of living. I keep of telling myself I want to die and commit suicide, but I’m too scared to die. I’m too scared to get help. I’m too scared…
i’m empty inside. I don’t care what happens to anyone around me. I don’t have the will to live. I hate everyone around me. I don’t know who I am. I don’t want to live but I’m too scared to die. I want all the pain to stop.
I feel done. It’s this feeling of emptiness and loneliness. I don’t have any motivation to do anything. I’m so much more tired to do things. I just want to sleep all day. I don’t know why I feel this way. I just do. I can’t talk to anyone about it because my friends won’t understand and my parents will just say that I’m being dramatic.
I thought I was getting better.
I guess I’m not.
Lately I’ve been feeling numb, almost like I can’t feel anything at all. I still cry, I just don’t know why;it’s not because I’m upset, I just burst into tears all of a sudden. Then again, it’s not exactly easy to ‘feel’ connected to people when you’re almost completely cut off from them.
The people I thought were my friends don’t seem the same anymore. Maybe because we’re growing up; everyone changes when they grow up, and we drift in and out of one another’s lives. I could be completely wrong, and I could be behind it all. Me being overly sensitive in previous conversations, or asking too much of other people. Either way, it feels like I’m doing something wrong.
I’m not sure what I’ve done wrong and, as they refuse to talk to me about it all, I’ll never know. Yet, I can’t shake the feeling that I am not good enough, and never will be.
The numbness is always there, even if nobody else notices. It’s always there, sinking into my skin, soaking my body. Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I’ll be able to feel anything;pain and happiness alike are strangers to me. I can’t feel anything, and he could never truly understand the concept, as much as he tries. I told him I had fucked up again, like I always do. We always had minor arguments, but the last one was too much;he was right. I had nothing to complain about, and was being far too harsh. Maybe guilt has consumed me, and caused this numbness. Perhaps it refuses to let me feel anything else. My only regret is telling him I had done it again. I had been so utterly consumed by guilt that I didn’t care about the blood.
That just made everything worse.
He is ashamed of me. He won’t say as much, but why else would he refuse to talk to me? Arguments don’t upset him the way they upset me;he never tells me how he feels anyway. It’s almost like he doesn’t want me to be close to him. Like I’m not a good enough friend, and never will be.
I will always remember that I’m not good for him, at all, and I will never forget how much damage I did.
What my brain apparently told me today:
1. Get a small coffee but refill it way more times than you should. Repeat until hands tremble, and blinking no longer makes logical sense.
2. Hold the nearest pencil without dropping it, and draw a picture of Alan Ominous’s avatar on the back of your receipt.
(His avatar is “Crazy Eyes” from the Adam Sandler movie “Mr. Deeds”. Google it to see a plethora of eyes going in separate directions.)
3. Stop after 40 minutes, no matter how BAD the drawing looks. Ignore the buzzing sound in your head as you take a picture of the drawing and post it to SP, wondering how you’re going to apologize later.
4. Dammit, my coffee is empty. Why is my coffee empty? I need a refill.
5. Colors…. they sound like chipmunks.
I always feel as if my chest is empty.
So I’ve decided that since I’ll never fill it, I shall make the rest of me feel empty.
I’m working on a series of paintings of the gulf. I have a friend who has been supplying me with a steady diet of gulf pics. He is down there for a fresh start, having made so many fresh starts in his life.
He sends me birds, water. Night, day. Sun, clouds. Amazing stuff really.
This is typically where I come up with some colloquial witticism. I’m fresh out of platitudes tonight, be them empty or full. Time for bed. Enjoy the night friends.
Recently, I’ve began to feel entirely empty.
Even the one thing that I once loved to do and helped me not feel like a freak… I don’t feel different when doing said thing.
I’ve felt that I should die even more intensely, even to the point where from my last suicide attempt, I barely felt anything. Just vast emptiness.
I’ve also experienced even more self-hate for my body. I don’t like seeing my own face anymore. I’m beginning to not even like my own hair, the only thing that I was actually proud of about my body.
Well, I guess I shall end this post.
If I could I surely would, ease all of your pain.
But if I could no longer, would you still know my name.
And if I couldn’t drain the tears that pour from these eyes, would you turn your back on me ?
Or would you say goodbye.
If I couldn’t be the shoulder which your head would rest upon.
Would you still be waiting, or would you be gone ?
If I couldn’t keep the smile, forever on your face.
Would I still be around ? Or would I be replaced ?
You have me way beyond empty inside, awaiting my last day to arrive.
I’m way beyond empty inside, awaiting my end to arrive !!!!