Here I am. 1 year later. This post is the continuation of this one : http://suicideproject.org/2014/01/times-running/
Tomorrow, I’m supposed to decide if I can possibly ever be happy or not. If I can, I can’t think about suicide ever again. If I can’t be happy, I start planning my exit.
I did put a lot of efforts in the last year, to feel better. I took a lot of risks and changed a lot of things. I do feel better than I did last year, but sometimes, I still want to die.
I’ve been through some serious heartbreaks and I’m still in a major depression. Taking pills. Seeing a therapist. I’ve started to see more friends. I broke up with my ex, and found a new girl, who I love very much. I still hate my work, but it could be worse. I’ve been working out for 2 years, no interruption. I’m fit, and healthy. People seem to like me. I should be happy and proud of what I’ve become.
I feel that I have an idealistic vision of happiness, and also very unrealistic. I don’t know how to change that. All I know now is that I still don’t know if my life is worth living. I just want to be done with that desire to die. Not feel it ever again. Is it even possible ? I don’t know.
I’m so confused right now.
2 comments
First and foremost, I want to congratulate you on sticking around and finding a way to try to live again. It’s never easy.
Second, I’m not going to blow smoke up your arse and tell you with any certainty that you’re going to lose that voice that whispers in your ear about wanting to die because that hasn’t happened with me or likely any of the other users of this site. No amount of pills or therapy sessions will rip that voice out of your head because it’s YOURS (boy do I wish I could use italics here).
But the one thing that you’ve proven over the course of the last year is that there’s a stronger voice telling you to live. I know it sounds almost schizophrenic, but it’s probably best explained that way because it’s what keeps me and likely a lot of people moving forward and either not succeeding or even attempting suicide.
Funny thing is that it’s not a matter of really wanting to die as much as wanting to live without the pain that comes from life. Life is supposed to have pain as much as it is supposed to be happy- without it, you wouldn’t know the difference.
Hold on to that idyllic version of happiness, even with the foreknowledge that it’s unrealistic because it’s a goal. Can you ever be happy? Sure, but it’s definitely not going to be without those moments that are sad or hurtful. I hope that you don’t have to face those times alone, but happily I see that as something you seem to be working on with your friends, with your girlfriend, with your therapist. Please try not to be afraid to tell them exactly how you’re feeling, even telling them about your thoughts about suicide. It’s sure to make them uncomfortable, but getting it out to people right in front of you will do a world of good.
I look forward to reading a post about year 2.
I don’t know if it’s possible either. Apparently there are people out there who have gone through life without almost no suicidal thoughts. Maybe it’s just a predetermined thing at birth.
I don’t think you can consciously turn off the suicidal thoughts, as you don’t control whether they are there or not. But you could try this;
Every time you have a suicidal thought, say out loud that no, you don’t want to die. If you are surrounded by people, just say something positive about life in general. Maybe the verbal counterargument will be enough to stop the mental negativity.
I tried that when I wanted to stop using a word; after I said it, I stopped, said that wasn’t the word I wanted to use, and replaced it with another, but I don’t know if it works for thoughts as I’ve never tried before.
Happiness is different for different people. As a general rule, if you are satisfied with your life and yourself, that’s a good sign.
You’ve tried in the past year, for which I congratulate you.