12:56 PM

I found this cite a few days ago. I keep thinking about what to write and I’ve decided to just start with my thoughts. I was google-ing suicide quotes and depression quotes when I found this cite. Do I think about suicide? I’m not sure. I don’t think I actually want to die. I just want to cause self – harm. I remember being 15 and talking to a psychologist because so much had happened and my way out of things was with a razor. I remember liking the feeling of running it across my wrists or thighs and watching blood drip. I never did it deep enough to where it ended my life, but something about seeing the blood drip or feeling that cut and all your emotions go right through it…was what I craved. It helped make me feel better. It concerned my mom, which is why I was asked to seek a psychologist. In a way, I found a better way to make those emotions go away… which was by writing. My psychologist thought it would be a good idea that I purchase a notebook. So I did. It’s now been 8 years since my last visit. So much has happened. When I saw the psychologist he came to the conclusion that my parents divorce and lack of attention was the cause of my emotions. But I don’t think I ever agreed with that. Sure my parent’s divorce and lack of attention might have affected me, but even when they were married I always felt alone or different…it was only a matter of time that I “act out”. Since my last visit, I’ve been married/divorced. I have a 6 year old daughter. & I’ve been in two relationships. It’s been 6 months now that I have been single. I chose to be single because I seem to be lost with myself. Even when I’m in a relationship, I feel alone. I feel like somehow I want more or better. My ex-husband would always cheat. The guy I dated after that was abusive & tried to end my life a couple of times. My last relationship was what I thought perfect. It’s now that I see the bigger picture and feel used. Suicidal thoughts have always been in the back of my head. I keep myself busy to avoid trying anything when I’m alone. But it’s getting to the point to where I look at my wrists and I can actually feel something run through them. I have a daughter to live for, but I feel dead. I feel depressed. I try to enjoy time with her, but I can’t escape these feelings. It affects my every day life. I cry for no reason at all. I smile so others won’t see that I’m breaking inside. Most think that I am the strongest person ever. I spend time with my friends and with family, but I still feel alone…even when I’m around them. I never want to leave my house. I’d rather be by myself, but I know it’s unhealthy so I text friends and end up going out with them. I have my daughter almost all the time. She enjoys when we go out, but I feel like the worst mother ever. Others might think that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me, but why can’t I see that? Why am I stuck in this feeling? Why do I want to go away…just disappear? Why do I want to hurt myself?