Today I almost broke up with my boyfriend because I feel that every time he sees me crying for no reason, every day I can’t go to school because I can’t get out of bed, every time he sees a new scar on my wrist, it hurts him. I can see the tears he holds back or the pain in his eyes every time he looks at me. Sometimes he holds me very close to him because he fears that I’m suddenly going to disappear into thin air. He’s the first person I decided to trust with the secrets I had never told anyone else, and it’s killing me to inflict so much pain upon him.
Today I told him I wanted to end our relationship (I wanted to commit suicide but I promised him I wouldn’t). For the first time since I met him he started to cry and asked me not to do it. I stared at him as tears started to race down his cheeks, and suddenly all I wanted to do was laugh.
Laugh.
That can’t be a normal response to seeing the person you love crying for the first time. Is there something seriously wrong with me?
6 comments
Why did you want to laugh? Did you find seeing someone cry funny or take pleasure seeing that?
Not at all, it was heartbreaking to see him cry. Maybe I’m just a terrible human being. It happens every time I see someone crying; I just want to laugh out loud even though I feel sad because they’re hurting.
Your definitely not a terrible person, from this post you seem like a very caring, perceptive individual.
Maybe you have PBA?
Sometimes when the pain becomes too much for us to tolerate and we have depleted our supply of tears we’ve nothing left but to laugh at how ironic life can be. I honestly don’t think that you wanted to laugh, everything else you say leads me to believe that you are a good person, a lost one, but a good one indeed. Perhaps you were wanting to laugh because subconsciously you knew, in that moment, he saved your life. The whole world is fucked up sweetheart, welcome to the “in crowd.”
There’s a condition called Pseudobulbar affect (PBA), but in all honestly it’s probably just a nervous response.
Yes you are abnormal. Strange. Unusual. Welcome to “humanity” But yea you probably just want to laugh due to nerves… It’s the ultimate situation to show “emotion” the ultimate situation not to laugh and that makes your brain want to laugh even more. It’s kinda messed up… but we are all messed up fucks trying to figure out this stupid life.