I have been back home to my country to attend my niece’s wedding, it was beautiful event, but it made realize how so alone I am and I have nobody to say all this to as my family doesn’t know that I am ill with my mental health and that I have been suicidal for last for months and that I had made 7 unsucessful atttempts at ending it all and was twice in psych hospital to stop me killing myself as on those two ocassions I would have not survived if they hadn’t stopped me.
In my visit to my country, my friend told me that two people she knew had comitted suicide and that a famous singer from my country had jumped under the train. Now all I can think of is if those who are now dead if they are better off than us who are here and are still alive? So I also think is life really worth living? And which one of those two groups (as being dead or alive) do I want to be part of? To get to the airport I travelled by train with my aunt and had to stand far back from it when it was arriving to the platform to stop myself from jumping under it infront of her. I find it so hard to stop mysefl from stepping under the car even when I cross the road. Being alive is just so hard these days. Especially when I am missing the joy of it all. Makes me wonder, will I ever get better? Is there a happiness waiting for me too somewhere out there? Will I be able to do normal life again eventually?
While I was there with my family I noticed that I do feel better, much better than how I was in February and this time I had managed to even shower daily and even wore make up for two days which is a huge improvement to the times when I couldn’t care less and couldn’t cope with it but I am still nowhere near being ok and I don’t know where to go from here. I miss being loved, needed, cared for. As strange as it is I kind of miss the trips to A&E or going to psych hospital for assessment and being in either ambulance or police car, and the constant trying to end my life as that was the only thing which was stable in my life and which I knew I could count on. Now I feel lost and not sure where to go from here as I now got to the stage of being somewhere in between the life and death, the urges are still there but they are not as strong as they used to be and I had even looked while crossing the road which is a huge improvement but I still feel drawn to moving vehicles in a way.
If I survive this, will things really get better? Can I do life again? Will I be able to start a new relationship and let go of the past which is so painful? Will I be able to get unstuck and move on somehow and learn how to live with the loss of the guy who meant world for me but who suddenly left without an explanation and said he is not interested? When is it going to stop hurting? And will I be able to get myself back together again somehow? I wish I had the answers. Doctors and Mental health team and my Psychiatrist keep telling me that it will get better. But will it really? And when?
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No one can tell you if it can get better, but i have to assume that your doctors should know (since they treat plenty of people on a daily basis). It can get different tho (and it has, from what you wrote), and that’s already an improvement if you were in a bad place to begin with.
As for being in the half way of death/life… i wonder at times how that works, since i’m at that spot. Being left by someone (in a similar way to what you describe) was the last thing i could take and it went downhill from there. But lately i’ve noticed i can do things that i couldn’t but i still feel fucked up and with no real control or aim of where to go or what to do next. I still feel like ending it, but not so often, as you say. So i guess it does get better (as in your case).
When? wish i knew, at times it seems like waiting forever for something that might take a second to happen.