It’s been a long time since I posted on here, but I feel like today is a good time to do so. This post might skip and go back in an non-linear fashion, but that’s just me. A few weeks ago, I quit my job when they were giving me a warning for screwing up. The day I quit, I kind of gave up on life once again.  When I went to my therapist, who is in my top ten people I adore and respect, I lied to him. I stated that I was okay and that I was going to go forward. I had an idea for a career a few days before, but I came to a conclusion that I wasn’t going to be accepted at that job. After all, when you have a “attempted to light one’s self on fire with gasoline” on your psych profile, people tend not to want to give you that job. While I’ve been in this emotional abyss, I came to a conclusion. I was in a Dark rom-com and my romantic partner was Suicide/Death. We had  come close quite a few times, but because of my faults I had chickened out at the last moment (Drowning, pills, gasoline twice), due to character flaws. I realized that to get to the ending, a main rom-com character has to do a grand gesture of romance(tvtropes helped with the idea), like “Pretty Woman”. That’s what I needed to get my self killed, a grand gesture. I needed to get myself too far into my suicide plan that I couldn’t block it in any way. I have the money for the plane ticket to get me to my destination where I will blow my money spending time with some people I care about, and then go to my death. I’ve already ordered the ticket.
I sometimes wonder if my death will have a negative impact on my sister, who is doing her master’s/PHD this year. I hope that in the end, she doesn’t see this as a world ending event for her and that she keeps going and she doesn’t give up like I have. For the longest time, I wondered if I was a irredeemable Psychopath who was only out for himself, but the act of me wondering if my sister would hurt over my actions have shown me that perhaps I don’t lack empathy. Please note that I still consider myself a piece of shit.
I wonder why I’m actually posting this, but I felt like I wanted to be truthful with someone at least. I’m tired of lying to people that I’m a happy person or the fact that I’m not trying to kill myself.
My plane doesn’t leave until the 30th of June, so I still have some time left. Â I’m not sure what to do with it though.
3 comments
Do things you’ve never done before. Stay busy and try not to think about it or you will chicken out. I’ve tried suicide 4 times and my next time will be my last time. This is your choice no one else’s. We do empathize with people but we hurt so much that we become selfish. Because we only think about how we are feeling inside, not what our family will feel if we died. But it’s the illness we have so don’t fault yourself with a feeling you can’t control. Leave your sister a note if you decide to go explaining your actions and why. This darkest is consuming you and it becomes harder and harder to control.
But still , till when we will think about our family. Family is not there when we r having thoughts about suicide or we break down , so why should we think about them or how they will feel about our suicude. 🙁 🙁 ohooo I just don’t feel right , I’m done with everything 🙁 ;(
Hey , it’s not end of the world , don’t worry u will get another job , but not another life so first think about it before taking any decision. It’s true that we r some sucidical people
telling other suicidical People that suicide is not the answer though it is 🙁