everyone’s sleeping. no one would be able to stop me. even if i do it wrong, what’s 5 more minutes of pain in this life. in the end, i’ll still be dead. i want to do it. i want to die. let me die.
in the end
I am crying alone in my room. I have not left my bed in over 16 hours and missed work today. I have a feeling I’ll be fired tomorrow if I show up. Might not show up tomorrow either. Long story short, I am feeling overwhelmingly suicidal again.
Not that I ever really stop feeling this way, but I’m talking about the bawling, give-me-a-gun-I’ll-do-it, type of suicidal thoughts. The kind that are uncontrollable and terrifying, not the logical and cold thoughts… These are emotional and broken and angry and indecipherable. And I hate myself so much for going through all this, for thinking this way. I […]
I’m pulling the plug in 9 days and to be honest, not entirely regretting it. This is the first time I’ve had control over anything and it’s nice. I mean, it sucks, but in the end, maybe this is for the best. For me. For everyone . Because this is not a disease. This is a result of just not feeling anything but pain. Pain that no one should have to endure.
I searched for 6 years for someone who cared. It took me maybe a month to drive her away. If I could just have one thing before I die, I just want to hear […]
I’m sitting here on my bedroom floor, blood dripping from my fingers, trying to convince myself to just end it all. It could all be over so quick. How can that not be tempting. I’ve often thought I’d wanna go painlessly, up until recently. My life has shattered around me, the people I cared about most have up and left. I decided that I didn’t give a fuck anymore. I decided “fuck love” and “fuck right and wrong. Nothing in my life has ever been right.” I’ve been wasting myself, losing myself. I hate myself for the things I’ve done, but I don’t care enough […]
I’ve come so far, and have tried too hard to just give up now… But I’m angry, and I’m hurting deep inside too badly… I’m angry because everyone has tried so hard to help me, my therapist, psychiatrist, friends amd family… But no one can seem to rid me of this nightmare… I have tried so many medications just to be let down in the end… I’m angry because the last thing I want to do is give in now… I HATE the fact that I’m even considering suicide; but there is nothing left for me anymore…
I’ve tried to […]
Last night, I had the most difficult attempt at sleeping.
I had booked a Motel to saying weeks prior with the intention of forcing myself to be social and go to an event at a bar. But as time grew closer, I was contemplating suicide.
I was afraid that the room I had booked would be my last night. I thought of buying a rope but was afraid of being judged, so I decided not to buy it. I checked in and bought an egg sandwich and alcohol. I took a xanax and began to drink. I walked to the bar and the place was deserted. […]
I found a few leaves of a plant with a powerful effect a couple of days ago. Not going to name it to avoid giving anyone here ideas, which I will explain why I don’t want such a thing later.
So, yesterday, I decided to smoke a bit. It was 11 P.M. and I went for one last cigarette. I couldn’t roll myself a joint with the stuff because my parents were in their bedroom watching TV, and I feared getting caught and sent into rehab.
I am so fucking glad I had that fear that prevented me from rolling a joint, because I ended up smoking […]
I’ve just been wondering about this question, so yeah, as the title already says, what’s keeping you alive?
Family? Friends? Something you don’t wanna miss?
For me, I guess it’s mainly my family, because I couldn’t imagine just leaving them here with all this shit that I created and they have to pay for in the end.
They really don’t deserve it.
The second would be that I’m just too fucking ***** to actually do it. I have to admit, even though life is Hell on Earth already, I’m still afraid of what comes after death. Whether I have to regret it or not.
Besides this little God […]
So I told a friend abut my family problems. I don’t know if it was good or bad to. We were talking about our lives and things going on and it slipped out… She didn’t say anything to comfort me which I wished she did because it’s still quite a new pain. But she talked to me how she is going through some semi-similar stuff too. In the end, I don’t know. I regret mentioning it kind of. I’ve only mentioned it on SP and it feels weird to have actually talked it out. Anyways how is everyone else? I hope everyone is doing well, […]
I wish I could talk about everything that happens to me with my girlfriend but I feel that I can make her angry with so many problems and in the end she finish the relation, because who wants a guy with so many problems, someone so weak
I wish I could be better for her
i feel sad
My epic began in the very early hours of Tuesday, January 20th, 2015. My best friend of thirteen years made it 43 minutes into the twentieth day of January before she committed suicide. Journeying back a few months, she and I had a falling out due to her girlfriend. In short, her girlfriend would text me through her phone and convinced me not to be friends anymore. Through that year, I lost every other friend I had. I was dating a guy at the time for over two years but that fell apart. In the end, he told me her death was my fault and […]
1.) Nothing in this life is truly earned no matter what anyone tries to tell you. We don’t live in a fairy tale and people don’t get anywhere in life because they work hard and believe in themselves because if that were the case there are millions existing in squander this very moment that should be living in castle on the beach by now. People get places because something outside of what they do whether its looks, money, personality etc gives them the advantage to do so.
2.) No one has control over anything in life. We don’t get to choose if we are born, who our parents are, What our […]
So, I just got back from a trip. Had a good time, plenty of laughs, discussed future goals, dreams and what not. Ate good food, spend time with her. Made new things, punched other things, they remade said punched things.
Good times right?
I mean, that is what they should be right…
And then as if of nowhere it just happens…
… you know what it is…
And you keep telling yourself that you got this, that this is not going to get you…
That you are bigger than it.
But are you?
Are you really?
Can you stand in front of it, and say it?
And then it happens again.
As if […]
Today I sat in my room in silence staring at the floor realizing I have nothing , no one. I realized i don’t have anyone there for me when i need them, that my parents don’t realize how depressed i am, that no one asks how i am, no one checks on my mental health, that in the end everyone has their own person, my mom has my dad, aaron has eric, you have your ducklings and dad, danielle has her boyfriend and sister, everyone has someone but me, because in the end im the second chose like always. Yesterday i cried because i finally […]
People say my life is great. I have a girlfriend and I’m one of the best low brass players in my band. But my problems keep me from moving forward and it’s been happening for years. My strict parents who are barely tolerable are always disappointed in me even though I’ve done nothing wrong. My girlfriend has such a better life than me and I’ve always had some sort of envy. She’s my girlfriend and I love her for who she is but she’s always bragging about her lifestyle and in the end she always better than me in almost every single way. I don’t […]
So why continue? I’ve heard all the bullshit in many many years of treatment, but the truth is, it really does only get worse. At least when your brain hates you. If I’ve already lived as much as I can given the circumstances, why would I keep going only to experience pain. Those rare moments of fleeting pleasure? That’s not enough. I don’t really feel it anyways. I can play the part, act like I’m enjoying myself, but in the end, I’m empty inside, and theres nothing that can fill it. I’ve made it before, gotten exactly what I thought I needed to make me […]
Every professional I have seen always ask if you hear voices and I’m not sure how to answer. What constitutes as a voice, I talk to my self in my head all day and sometimes I tell my self to do things I know are against everything I have been taught but yet I still do them. You go so long not doing drugs or drinking then one day you hit a new low and you end up buying the things you know will end up hurting you and others. They tell you not to leave your house even though you need to make money […]
It’s no one else’s fault that I’m unhappy. The prospect of ‘living out‘, as it were, another 12 months or so of this is daunting, to say the least. It’s not that I hate my job. It’s straightforward and uncomplicated, but I can’t stand the inclination towards pedantics, the bureaucracy, and the incompetency of certain people. I mean, I know I’m not perfect but I’d like to think I do a decent job. In the end though, I know I’m replaceable. In every aspect. I wish they would just leave me alone and quit getting on my ass all the time.
I told a friend I […]