everyone’s sleeping. no one would be able to stop me. even if i do it wrong, what’s 5 more minutes of pain in this life. in the end, i’ll still be dead. i want to do it. i want to die. let me die.
in the end
I am crying alone in my room. I have not left my bed in over 16 hours and missed work today. I have a feeling I’ll be fired tomorrow if I show up. Might not show up tomorrow either. Long story short, I am feeling overwhelmingly suicidal again.
Not that I ever really stop feeling this way, but I’m talking about the bawling, give-me-a-gun-I’ll-do-it, type of suicidal thoughts. The kind that are uncontrollable and terrifying, not the logical and cold thoughts… These are emotional and broken and angry and indecipherable. And I hate myself so much for going through all this, for thinking this way. I hate my broken brain and I hate my fucking addictive personality.
What’s going to make me leave my bed tonight? Drinking drinking drinking. Go to a bar and get out of control, black out drunk for the first time in years… Sounds nice, the emptiness. I’m thinking of calling my therapist because I’m in crisis mode, but I no longer have any methods available to me, so it’s not like I can successfully kill myself. Lord knows I’ve tried, not that I’m religious.
So I meet with her on Saturday and I don’t know what to say. I’m seriously considering sobriety but think that that will make the depression worse. The main reason I use is because I can’t be alone with my thoughts. Right now I am completely sober, and imagining in 4K definition me throwing myself off of a 10 story building. Right now I am completely sober and can’t stop thinking of taking a shotgun to the face. Is it better to live a life of an addict and at least have something to live for? Because if you die you can’t use again…
I’m pathetic. This logic is pathetic. These tears are pathetic. I am so full of self hatred I just want to hurt myself. I want to scream but my voice was stolen by the depression too. In the end, depression leaves you with nothing: it steals your hope, your future, your happiness, your relationships, and leaves you with nothing. Except some bullshit 23 year old girl crying glued to her bed like Charlie and the Chocolate factory. Pathetic.
Why can’t suicide be easy
I’m pulling the plug in 9 days and to be honest, not entirely regretting it. This is the first time I’ve had control over anything and it’s nice. I mean, it sucks, but in the end, maybe this is for the best. For me. For everyone . Because this is not a disease. This is a result of just not feeling anything but pain. Pain that no one should have to endure.
I searched for 6 years for someone who cared. It took me maybe a month to drive her away. If I could just have one thing before I die, I just want to hear her voice one more time. The light that I put out for good. Why is it that I have to deal with is? I feel numb I can’t come to life I feel like I’m frozen in time living in a world so cold wasting away living in a shell with no soul. Counting the days since you’ve gone away from me. I’m too young to lose my soul, I’m too young to feel this old. I’m so alone I’m left behind I feel like I’m losing my mind. (World So Cold – TDG) I will get what I deserve and leave everyone alone once and for all. Perfect, now it is just a waiting game. I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough.
I’m sitting here on my bedroom floor, blood dripping from my fingers, trying to convince myself to just end it all. It could all be over so quick. How can that not be tempting. I’ve often thought I’d wanna go painlessly, up until recently. My life has shattered around me, the people I cared about most have up and left. I decided that I didn’t give a fuck anymore. I decided “fuck love” and “fuck right and wrong. Nothing in my life has ever been right.” I’ve been wasting myself, losing myself. I hate myself for the things I’ve done, but I don’t care enough to stop. I have no reason to. I’m not interested in the future, I just don’t see the point. I used to be religious, christian specifically, until my life collapsed multiple times and I finally stopped believing that there was some great god watching over us and protecting us. I tried to believe in a god who wouldn’t make good people suffer for no reason, a god who was too loving to inflict such pain on people… he didn’t exist. Death is inevitable in the end, and supposedly if you commit suicide you’ll go to hell, but I’m going there anyway, so does it really matter for what reason?
I’ve come so far, and have tried too hard to just give up now… But I’m angry, and I’m hurting deep inside too badly… I’m angry because everyone has tried so hard to help me, my therapist, psychiatrist, friends amd family… But no one can seem to rid me of this nightmare… I have tried so many medications just to be let down in the end… I’m angry because the last thing I want to do is give in now… I HATE the fact that I’m even considering suicide; but there is nothing left for me anymore…
I’ve tried to cope their way, and when that failed, I tried my way… But I’m barely clinging on, and knowing that there’s nothing anyone can do for me anymore makes me very sad… I don’t want to die, I want to live, and have a real life, but so long as I’m constanly plagued by either severe depression or caught in the midst of a manic episode or mixed episode, I can’t ever hold down a job or go back to college… I’m completely lost, and hopeless… And my illnesses are left untreated because every medication I have ever tried either helps for a short time and then my body builds up a tolerance, or the medication sends me tail spinning to the emergency room or psych-ward… I have tried the best of the best medications out there, but nothing works; I’ve tried everything humanly possible just to keep holding on to this nightmarish life, for my freinds and family… But I’m just really tired… I’m spent, I have nothing left to give, and this makes me really upset, frustrated and angry… This was not supposed to happen… This isn’t how I planned on dying, by my own hand…
I’m still trying to cling onto what little strength I have left, but It’s fading so quickly… I’m really scared… I refuse to call out for help, no psych-ward can help me, no therapist or psychiatrist can help me… And I just wish so badly that things didn’t have to be like this… I just don’t know what else to do or try to make me feel better… I can’t find relief, I can’t find peace… I’m just so sorry to all the people that I love that I will hurt them all in the end, just so I can self-ishly end my pain…
I wish I was never even born… I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up… I hate this… And I hate myself for choosing this over life… I’m not sure when I will make the final decision, but I can feel it coming soon… I really wish that there was some other way… But there isn’t, and this is as good as my life is going to get… And I choose death over living another minute hurting so badly… The people that I love, who love me back may never understand, and I don’t expect them to… I expect them to feel angry, confused… And if they want to blame anyone for this, then blame me… This was my choice… They did everything they could, and more… I just wish that it had been enough… I’m so sorry…
Last night, I had the most difficult attempt at sleeping.
I had booked a Motel to saying weeks prior with the intention of forcing myself to be social and go to an event at a bar. But as time grew closer, I was contemplating suicide.
I was afraid that the room I had booked would be my last night. I thought of buying a rope but was afraid of being judged, so I decided not to buy it. I checked in and bought an egg sandwich and alcohol. I took a xanax and began to drink. I walked to the bar and the place was deserted. It was so depressing, that i drank one beer, and walked back to the room. I began drinking and after an hour and a half, I walked back to the bar. There were more people. Some even dancing. At one point in the night, I noticed that a woman was possibly trying to get my attention, but I was drunk and lonely. I just thought I would turn around and see Jane. Her look, her smell and taste were never there and so at 2am I left the bar. I staggered and even fell. I didn’t care. Hoping to get hurt or die.
I collapsed on the bed. I awoke cold because I had left the AC on. Then as I awoke, Jane called. It lifted my spirits tremendously. I was still drunk and felt the lingering effects of the pill, so I skateboarded. I fell several times and again I didn’t care. I would get a call from her and her voice was so sweet. We decided to meet. We did some business, that in the end, I felt used for. We ate, we looked for music and a movie to watch together. She said she loved me but didn’t want to reciprocate any feeling that I showed physical or worded. Instead, she grabbed my arm when I hugged her. This was like a test for her and torture for me. There she was, in front of me, I could not have her. When she did touch me, I felt such respite. When we hugged I felt so rested. But the night closed and I was not invited to stay. I had been too forward and looked like I was rejected again.
That night, I had nyquil to try and rest but instead had the most vivid nightmare. It was of Jane kicking me out. When I awoke, I was in a state of shock. I got dressed and took my bike. I ended up sitting on the stairs of a church. Hoping that hearing her voice will ground me, she finally called back. She could tell I was sad and she tried to cheer me up. Hugging me, caressing my arms leaving me a small note. I missed our connection. We even saw a small apartment together. Of course as the I dropped her off, again she reiterated her feelings of staying apart. She in a sense had been so kind because she loved me but was not in love with me.
Today, I am going to attempt sobriety, to mach her new sober and fitness lifestyle. Of course I am also doing it because it has caused years of wasted time, horrible times and lastly, losing Jane. But, I also have noticed the bar rod in the closet, and constantly continue thinking of hanging myself. The pain I feel is almost too much to bear if I know that a person I have known for 10 years will leave me for another.
I found a few leaves of a plant with a powerful effect a couple of days ago. Not going to name it to avoid giving anyone here ideas, which I will explain why I don’t want such a thing later.
So, yesterday, I decided to smoke a bit. It was 11 P.M. and I went for one last cigarette. I couldn’t roll myself a joint with the stuff because my parents were in their bedroom watching TV, and I feared getting caught and sent into rehab.
I am so fucking glad I had that fear that prevented me from rolling a joint, because I ended up smoking less than I normally would’ve.
So I light up the cigarette, sat down on the chair outside by the moonlight, and ripped two tiny bits of leaf for immediate consumption. The first one I somehow managed to stuff in the end of the cigarette, and as I lit it up, I inhaled the smoke deeply and held for about five seconds, fearing more time would take me to something I wasn’t ready for.
Exhaling, I thought the website I read about this plant was a fraud, or that I picked up some similar-looking plant. So I decided to place the second bit of leaf on the ashtray’s edge, and I leaned towards it with the cigarette in my lips, making contact with the leaf using the lit end of the cigarette, and started dragging because I thought I was experienced enough in this kind of thing. Oh how stupid I was…
So I put the cigarette out after one last drag, tobacco only, and went inside and headed for the bathroom. As soon as I closed the bathroom door behind me, it hit. And I mean, hit.
Everything, every color, noise and feeling was intensified several thousand times, and the room started distorting. As I finished up my business, I noticed my hands started shaking. I washed my hands, went out and went into the small storage room we keep water, alcohol and fruit in to take a bottle of water, just in case I would dehydrate.
I went to my room, closed the door and placed the bottle on the desk next to my laptop. I sat down and started experiencing the most awful panic attack I have ever thought possible.
For a good hour and a bit, I chatted friends up and asked them for help. Some told me to call 911, others told me to relax and enjoy the trip. But the ones that helped me the most were the ones who provided comfort through assuring e I was safe and nothing would happen to me.
Anyway, once I was certain nothing would happen, I went into bed, drank some water and finally fell into a dream state filled with hallucinations. Oddly, I cannot recall any of them. Not even if they were of positive nature or not.
I woke up feeling different. I mean, it’s been approximately 14 hours since I woke up, and I still feel weird. I can’t explain it. I feel like my entire personality and consciousness was replaced, I feel cold and I panic over the smallest things. I feel I have only moderate control of my thoughts. I can’t explain it, but I wish it to be over soon… The fuck have I done this time…
Any advice? It would greatly help me… Also worth mentioning I only got about 4 and a half hours of sleep last night, since I had to wake up early in order to attend my studies. Could that affect the state of mind and feeling I am in right now?
I’ve just been wondering about this question, so yeah, as the title already says, what’s keeping you alive?
Family? Friends? Something you don’t wanna miss?
For me, I guess it’s mainly my family, because I couldn’t imagine just leaving them here with all this shit that I created and they have to pay for in the end.
They really don’t deserve it.
The second would be that I’m just too fucking ***** to actually do it. I have to admit, even though life is Hell on Earth already, I’m still afraid of what comes after death. Whether I have to regret it or not.
Besides this little God damn spark of hope just doesn’t want to get extinguished. Even though I desperately try to get rid of it, it constantly keeps me thinking, that in some time my life might change and it could be awesome and great fun. But it really is depressing and exasperating to see it getting smaller and smaller every single day but yet not being completely burned out.
I hate that all, as well as I hate myself…
So I told a friend abut my family problems. I don’t know if it was good or bad to. We were talking about our lives and things going on and it slipped out… She didn’t say anything to comfort me which I wished she did because it’s still quite a new pain. But she talked to me how she is going through some semi-similar stuff too. In the end, I don’t know. I regret mentioning it kind of. I’ve only mentioned it on SP and it feels weird to have actually talked it out. Anyways how is everyone else? I hope everyone is doing well, much care is sent to anyone and everyone.
I wish I could talk about everything that happens to me with my girlfriend but I feel that I can make her angry with so many problems and in the end she finish the relation, because who wants a guy with so many problems, someone so weak
I wish I could be better for her
i feel sad
My epic began in the very early hours of Tuesday, January 20th, 2015. My best friend of thirteen years made it 43 minutes into the twentieth day of January before she committed suicide. Journeying back a few months, she and I had a falling out due to her girlfriend. In short, her girlfriend would text me through her phone and convinced me not to be friends anymore. Through that year, I lost every other friend I had. I was dating a guy at the time for over two years but that fell apart. In the end, he told me her death was my fault and all of the people around me wanted to commit suicide in a matter of time. I fell into drugs, I fell into relationships that were abusive, I fell away from my studies and into countless harmful lifestyles. I’ve tried going to counselling; I’ve been to two separate counselors already. Nothing seems to help. Nothing. I ran away from the city we grew up in. I live in an apartment an hour away. If I go back, I can’t bring myself to go to her grave. It used to bring me comfort, now all I can feel is pain. I have shed at least one tear a day for the past four months….I have never felt so alone in my life…as of now, I live with my current boyfriend. But even he can’t help. I love him more than anything, but some days I can’t even bring myself out of bed. I cry in my sleep, in his arms, in the bathroom, shower, class, you name it….I sound so pathetic…Because of the loneliness, the guilt I carry for not being there in her last moments, the anxiety, the unending sadness, and despair my life seems to be stuck in, I’ve tried to commit suicide twice. Yesterday was one of the worst days, yet. Apparently, I now have a stalker. He contacted me over Kik. How? I have no idea. But he knew my name, he knew of my friend, he called me a sadistic *****. I feel like I deserved to die a long time ago. This stalker has pushed me over the edge. I thought I could take all of this. Not well, but I’m alive…I had to stay right beside my boyfriend all of yesterday or else I knew I’d swallow a bottle of pills…I feel the same today. The only difference is I’m left alone. I feel like my life has added up to nothing….my worthless and pathetic existence has stemmed no positive effects on anyone’s life. I wish my boyfriend had never met me. I’ll randomly say I’m sorry to him but when he asks what for, I never tell. Secretly, I’m sorry he met me. I’m sorry I have caused so much harm in his life. I’m sorry I didn’t end my time sooner for him to never have to deal with me. Ever since she died, it feels only bad energy has flowed my way. I have survived 438 days since she became a memory….and it is getting harder to say I will survive to day 439.
1.) Nothing in this life is truly earned no matter what anyone tries to tell you. We don’t live in a fairy tale and people don’t get anywhere in life because they work hard and believe in themselves because if that were the case there are millions existing in squander this very moment that should be living in castle on the beach by now. People get places because something outside of what they do whether its looks, money, personality etc gives them the advantage to do so.
2.) No one has control over anything in life. We don’t get to choose if we are born, who our parents are, What our genitals are, what color we are, what we look like (excluding surgery and even that can be botched), the class were born into, whether or not we can get a job, our personalities, who/what we like, who likes us or even how we feel about it. In the end we are at the mercy of the world and each other.
3.)Karma does not exist. There is no magical force in the universe that balances good deeds with bad unless you count death/hell as one of them. Good things happen to bad people bad things happen to good people. There are plenty of evil people what as you read this are living guilt free in a life of luxury and happiness while many a kind person also while we speak are laying homeless in a gutter riddled with pain and disease.
4.)Being a good person means NOTHING in this world. If you are one of them (and I speak from experience) prepare to be shitted on for the rest of your life in every possible way. You will not come out on top in the end because you did the right thing. You will not be better respected or treated and in all likelihood will end up being treated worse than the sleazebag that spends their days stepping on you to get where and what they want.
So, I just got back from a trip. Had a good time, plenty of laughs, discussed future goals, dreams and what not. Ate good food, spend time with her. Made new things, punched other things, they remade said punched things.
Good times right?
I mean, that is what they should be right…
And then as if of nowhere it just happens…
… you know what it is…
And you keep telling yourself that you got this, that this is not going to get you…
That you are bigger than it.
But are you?
Are you really?
Can you stand in front of it, and say it?
And then it happens again.
As if it never went away, just hid well enough within the crevices.
And the more you try to rationalize it.
The more you want it not to be.
Right there staring right at you.
Piercing whatever facade you might be carrying.
It does not matter if you smile, or if you try to ignore it. It knows you. It knows what you are.
It knows just whats festering under the skin.
It always knows.
And you always knew that it knows.
So you try to play it off, but what did it get you?
What did all those people get you?
In the end here you are.
The same as before.
Nothing will ever change.
So what is the point?
And you try to analyze it.
but it ends up the same.
It always ends up the same.
You can do that, or you can do the other, you can make all the friends, you can see all the counselors, you can meet all the gods, you can taste all the colors
and in the end
its always the same.
It does not matter how many layers you cut to let that one person in…. because in the end…
Its always the same.
Today I sat in my room in silence staring at the floor realizing I have nothing , no one. I realized i don’t have anyone there for me when i need them, that my parents don’t realize how depressed i am, that no one asks how i am, no one checks on my mental health, that in the end everyone has their own person, my mom has my dad, aaron has eric, you have your ducklings and dad, danielle has her boyfriend and sister, everyone has someone but me, because in the end im the second chose like always. Yesterday i cried because i finally had a long look at what a mess I’ve become. Im not the me i was before i forget a lot of things now, i can go days without remembering to eat correctly, i don’t even read or draw anymore the two things i loved to do, i get scared when my parents yell, I’ve even started thinking about how things would be if i just disappeared and never came back. I realized that im nothing..
People say my life is great. I have a girlfriend and I’m one of the best low brass players in my band. But my problems keep me from moving forward and it’s been happening for years. My strict parents who are barely tolerable are always disappointed in me even though I’ve done nothing wrong. My girlfriend has such a better life than me and I’ve always had some sort of envy. She’s my girlfriend and I love her for who she is but she’s always bragging about her lifestyle and in the end she always better than me in almost every single way. I don’t have really supportive friends I’m not physically attractive. One thing about me that everyone knows about me is my selflessness. I try to be my best robe selfless but it’s just leading me nowhere. Right now the only person that’s keeping me alive is my girlfriend Emily and I don’t know if I can hold on any longer. I’m nothing like those attention whores I’m really a guy in need. I’m desperate just to stay alive. I’ve almost walked through traffic and almost ended myself. I can’t take this anymore and it’s too hard just to live through this desperation. Please help me
So why continue? I’ve heard all the bullshit in many many years of treatment, but the truth is, it really does only get worse. At least when your brain hates you. If I’ve already lived as much as I can given the circumstances, why would I keep going only to experience pain. Those rare moments of fleeting pleasure? That’s not enough. I don’t really feel it anyways. I can play the part, act like I’m enjoying myself, but in the end, I’m empty inside, and theres nothing that can fill it. I’ve made it before, gotten exactly what I thought I needed to make me happy, only to realize that the pursuit was better then the results, and once there, I’m just as empty as I was before. All life is is distraction. Distraction from the shit we have to deal with all day. Were born alone, and we die alone, and once you’re gone, nothing you’ve done matters. Our lifespan as a species is for an finite amount of time.
I don’t even want to try anymore, I’m so tired of making progress only to have the rug pulled out from under me. I’m tired of looming homelessness over my head every day. I’m tired of my family hating me. I’m tired of never having anything to look forward too. I’m tired of losing people and places and things that were important to me. I’m just tired of living. Too weak to live, too strong to die, why would I even try.
Sorry about my disjointed ramblings, it’s been a really bad day and I just want to drop and stop. I’m going to treatment soon. Whats a few more months of my life in an institution. Ill try my best to wait until after that to make any concrete decisions, but the urge just gets stronger and I just get more and more sure as the months roll by.
Every professional I have seen always ask if you hear voices and I’m not sure how to answer. What constitutes as a voice, I talk to my self in my head all day and sometimes I tell my self to do things I know are against everything I have been taught but yet I still do them. You go so long not doing drugs or drinking then one day you hit a new low and you end up buying the things you know will end up hurting you and others. They tell you not to leave your house even though you need to make money to pay your bills and to live your life. You find a job you love where you can finally help people and you feel like you finally found what you’re supposed to do but yet after a while the dream slips and you end up no better off than you where when this all started.
You love your family you want to be the best you can be but in the end you find some way to mess up. You find a therapist that you genuinely like and then you get a letter in the mail telling you that they are leaving the practice and that there is only one other person you can see. It sucks starting over spilling your heart and soul to a person just to have them leave and have to start over, people tell you that you where doing so well when you were on your medications and when you try to go back and try to get better it seems something gets in the way.
One thing I have found out about my self is I have an addictive personality and I can’t take things in moderation, if it’s drinking I can’t have just one I have to have it all, if it’s dieting I take it to the point where I don’t eat and get it’s to the point where it’s dangerous then that ends and you absorb your self with the next thing that comes along. You tell yourself no but the voices tell you to and you argue with your self but it never works you just get more upset and end up doing it anyway. You take your job so serious that when something happens you blame yourself and you make it your fault and it eats away at you. You care so much about the people you take care of and you try to make their lives the best they can be, when they smile you smile when they laugh you laugh and you see them grow as people and you know that you did your job and you made their life just a little better, but you go home and you get caught in the same cycle every day and night and nothing changes.
They tell you that you messed up, you do one thing wrong and it’s the end of the world, they tell you that you need to give up and you should just end it but apart of you does not want to but yet you have no say in anything. You end up making huge mistakes that you can’t come back from.
I just want it to stop I just want it to end. I am sick of going threw the same rotations and never finding the right solution and honestly I don’t think it will ever come.
I love my family and I want them to know that I try my best and I really do put forth the effort but when you have had enough and just want to disappear and never be found and all you want is peace and quiet then maybe they will understand that there is no fixing what is already gone.
It’s no one else’s fault that I’m unhappy. The prospect of ‘living out‘, as it were, another 12 months or so of this is daunting, to say the least. It’s not that I hate my job. It’s straightforward and uncomplicated, but I can’t stand the inclination towards pedantics, the bureaucracy, and the incompetency of certain people. I mean, I know I’m not perfect but I’d like to think I do a decent job. In the end though, I know I’m replaceable. In every aspect. I wish they would just leave me alone and quit getting on my ass all the time.
I told a friend I couldn’t meet as I had work the next day and needed to sleep. I couldn’t say for certain but I feel like she was annoyed, and then just couldn’t be bothered to reply. I’ve felt for quite a while that we’re all replaceable, that I’m replaceable. And looking back and reminiscing, I’ve realised that I’m not actually that important. Quite forgettable, in fact.
I won’t go so far as to say that all depressed people are selfish (I couldn’t, I can only speak for myself, but it’s something I’ve heard/read), but I can see elements of it in myself. Someone told me that everyone is selfish to some degree; it’s a human trait. True. I hate the human condition. I hate over-thinking. I don’t really want a reason to ‘hang on‘ in the hopes that things might get better. Things don’t get better. They might get better. That’s gambler’s fallacy. It’s going to be… long as fuck, but I hope things get worse and I hope that by next year I’ll have the drive to just neck myself. It’s not that I’m afraid to take responsibility for my actions; I don’t want to hurt people, hence years of wishing I didn’t exist. Soooooooo fucking dull.
Better yet, struck by lightning. Eureka.