☻ i don’t know what to do ☻

I’m new to this so don’t even know if the box I’m typing in is the box I’m supposed to be typing in and I realize that nobody probably cares/will read this but It feels great to get it out so here goes.
I’m Jess, I am 17 years old and I am on my summer holidays from school now. Over the past year I have just grown to be so disapointed in myself and I jst feel worthless. I self-harm and I’ve told nobody about it. I understand that it is necessary to tell people about it and to find help but although my parents are great they’re the kinda people who don’t ‘believe’ in ‘depression’ if that makes sense??? I feel like I don’t have concrete reasons to be so fed up and suicidal but its just a combination of small things my shitty life that has made me so numb to it all. I feel selfish. I can’t bring myself to take my own life because I am a coward but I would not mind at all if I died today and I know how utterly selfish that is and it upsets me even more. The thing is I do relatively well in school, I have a close group of friends and many other friends outside of them but as I approach my last year in school and the grown up world is nearing, I don’t want to be around for it. I’d rather be dead. I don’t even know if I am like meant to be writing here as I haven’t attempted suicide so I’m sorry if I’m time wasting. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve never felt so alone. I’ve picked out Lou Reed for my funeral.