This is my first post on here… i kinda just wanted to vent everything.
In short, i’m a complete fuck up. I feel like i’m one huge disappointment to my family and friends. Especially my family. I feel like they expected me to be like my two sisters, but of course i’m the odd one out. I’m 19 years old, for as long as i can remember i’ve always been known to be the ‘rebellious’ one, i guess.
I feel as though i’m constantly disappointing and hurting everyone around me, and i truly hate it. I’ve done things i’m ashamed of, things i would never tell anyone or admit to. I have stolen money from my family, particularly when i was younger (about 12/13), it was minor amounts but nevertheless it was stealing. i feel horrible for doing it. This is just one of the reasons i feel like a completely worthless person.
My self esteem is at an all time low. I feel disgusting, ugly and i don’t know how anyone, even my family, could love me. I just feel like i’m a burden to everyone around me – sometimes i think if i wasn’t here anymore, it would make everyones lives that bit easier. I’ve thought about suicide on several occasions, i just feel as if i’m worthless, like i’m a bad person and i am only capable of being that person. I want to change, but my family have no trust in me anymore – and i fully understand why they don’t.
I just think, if i wasn’t alive then my family might be happier, in the long run. I know that sounds stupid, of course they’d be upset like any family would, but I honestly want the best for them. All i know is that i can’t be this person anymore. Can someone help me?
4 comments
No one can help you without your input. You have to change your negative attitude and stop being so down on yourself for foolish things you did when you were a kid. Often we focus on superficial or not really relevant issues so as not to accept our own responsibility, not to others but to ourselves. It is a distraction from the actual issue, which is probably tied to your own lack of self-realization. So be good to yourself and others. Plan what you want to do.. KNOW where you’re gonna be in 5 years and work towards that. Simplify, appreciate (instead of being critical) learn to be a good listener, be giving, but do not expect much from others. There is much freedom to be found in being self-sufficient and appreciative of one’s own worth. In helping those less fortunate than ourselves,,and becoming the kind of person you want to be,, someone you can respect. There are no easy answers and life can be very difficult,, but now that you’re alive,, try and make the best of it is my advice to you. Good luck.
Hello thesmithsx,
To me it seems that your note demonstrates what a worthwhile person you are. You clearly feel deeply, and you are tormented by what you feel you’ve done wrong — please remember, your mistakes are NOT you, not your self! First, you were a child at 12 or 13: forgive yourself for those things, resolve you won’t repeat them, and let them go. And no matter what you’ve done or not done, those things are not the point now: you want to change for the future, you want to do better, you want love and friendship and trust and appreciation… I do not doubt that you can have them, and that you can be what you long to be. The first great thing is that longing, surely — you contain that better future, your already “better” self is there, crying out for it. Your letter is not the letter of an unfeeling or selfish person, NOT the letter of a ‘bad’ person — it’s the cry of someone who’s suffering, confused and worn down. Many of us have been there, and if we can come back from it, we come with greater understanding for others, greater compassion. Truly, I doubt there is a feeling person on the planet without some deep regrets, and some haunting mistakes.
Of course I don’t know your family, but if they don’t completely trust your judgement right now, that doesn’t mean it will always be that way. You can become what you know in your heart you want to be. If they are perceiving people, they will see it. If they are somehow unable to see it, then those who are truly your friends — perhaps friends you can’t even imagine yet, who may be around the next bend in your road — those friends will see it.
Habits may be hard to break, patterns can be stubborn, but here even from this distance and through just a note, your good heart speaks. Believe in it. You can do this, you can be the person you want to be by very virtue of that desire. Please, stay with us in this world, trying as it is. Staying in itself is a triumph in the battle. Grow the goodness I can hear in your letter. Be kind to your self, and it will happen.
@ishmael – Thank you for your kind words. After having slept on it all, I do feel somewhat better in myself.
I have been thinking that I would like to make things better between me and my mum, she’s ignoring me right now after a pretty monumental argument.. But I’m not sure what I should do.
@mannikin – Thanks for the advice. I’ve recently been given a place to go to university in September, which means I will be moving into a shared student flat. I’m hoping that some distance between me and my parents can make situations easier.
I’m guna stop you at the rebellious part and comparing yourself to your two sisters. I got two brothers. I’m the white Oreo icing in the middle. the part people eat first haha. in this analogy it’s not necessarily a good thing. I know that feel tho. feeling different and like the royal fuck up of the fam. we gotta stop comparing ourselves to our siblings if we want to see improvement. best of luck at uni and your next steps.