This is my first post on here… i kinda just wanted to vent everything.
In short, i’m a complete fuck up. I feel like i’m one huge disappointment to my family and friends. Especially my family. I feel like they expected me to be like my two sisters, but of course i’m the odd one out. I’m 19 years old, for as long as i can remember i’ve always been known to be the ‘rebellious’ one, i guess.
I feel as though i’m constantly disappointing and hurting everyone around me, and i truly hate it. I’ve done things i’m ashamed of, things i would never tell anyone or admit to. I have stolen money from my family, particularly when i was younger (about 12/13), it was minor amounts but nevertheless it was stealing. i feel horrible for doing it. This is just one of the reasons i feel like a completely worthless person.
My self esteem is at an all time low. I feel disgusting, ugly and i don’t know how anyone, even my family, could love me. I just feel like i’m a burden to everyone around me – sometimes i think if i wasn’t here anymore, it would make everyones lives that bit easier. I’ve thought about suicide on several occasions, i just feel as if i’m worthless, like i’m a bad person and i am only capable of being that person. I want to change, but my family have no trust in me anymore – and i fully understand why they don’t.
I just think, if i wasn’t alive then my family might be happier, in the long run. I know that sounds stupid, of course they’d be upset like any family would, but I honestly want the best for them. All i know is that i can’t be this person anymore. Can someone help me?