Hey guys. My “story” isn’t nearly as traumatizing as any of yours, and I almost feel as though I’m wasting your time, so I apologize.
I was a fairly normal kid, or whatever normal is supposed to be. I had a best friend, someone who loved me, tons of persons to talk to (yes, that is the grammatically correct way to address them). Or at least I thought I did.
See, I’ve always had moments of sadness. Just “off” days. I would wake to see rain and heavy skies when it was sunshine for everyone else. It wasn’t until November of 2012 that I had a “reason”. The person that loved me? He left. I was told it was my fault, and I truly believed and still believe it was.
I hated myself for it. I didn’t know that I could feel that broken, that dirty, that dark. I cried myself to sleep, begging for help, but saying nothing. How could I say anything? To ruin my parent’s vision of a well balanced child? To have my private thoughts written down and stored in the filing cabinet of the school guidance counselor, so my mental health would ruin my chances of a scholarship? I couldn’t.
In January of the next year, the bullying started. My own “best friend” went behind my back and harassed me with her new friends. The one person I had expected to be at my side, telling me now to “Just die already”. The boy that had loved me soon joined them. I had no friends, except for two. I tried to stay home everyday so I could avoid them. I pretended to be sick, and I would stay home alone, tears streaming down my face, wondering what I had done so wrong to make them hate me this much. I told a teacher, and he did nothing.
I went to class every day in fear that I would hear those dreaded whispers. It was always worse when one of my two friends weren’t there. I had never felt so alone in my life, if I can respectfully call it a life. I tried to see things from a better point of view, I really did. But I hated myself. Every time one of my tormentors whispered in my ear to kill myself, I became a little bit more considering and serious of it.
One day, I tried. I sat in the bathroom, crying silently, pills in my hand. I begged for help, I just wanted to die and be happy. Maybe they would be nicer at my funeral. Maybe after my death, they would see how wrong they were. But I couldn’t take the pills. Taking the pills would mean they won, and they didn’t deserve a trophy for what they had done to me.
I let the cuts heal, I stopped crying. When June finally came and school let out, I hugged the two that I would trust with my life and walked away. I haven’t seen them since, and I miss them constantly.
It got better for a little. But it’s like I can never get rid of the feeling that I am as worthless and pathetic as they said I was. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of my depression. And every single day of my life, I cry for help over and over again.
2 comments
Ya see, how you started is your problem. You act as if your existence is a mistake and you’re a burden to others and feel the need to apologize for it. I used to apologize too much over everything when I was in grade school until my best friend at the time called me out on and got me to stop and so glad he did.
So first you need to stop apologizing for yourself. Your problems are no less or more traumatic than others and no less worthy of being addressed.
The guy you broke up with sounds like a scumbag-but you didn’t really go into why ‘it was your fault’. Then you allowed kids to bully you. Sister I have learned from personal experience the best way to deal with bullies is confrontation-stand up to them. But the best way to do it is individually and if you have a shady friend or two, then you can bully them. Believe me they will stop because their biggest fear is to be bullied which why they join the herd.
So if anyone tells you to kill yourself-say very loudly and firmly “what did you say?”, then “why don’t you kill yourself? or Who the fuck do you think you are?” Along those lines.
It’s clear you lack confidence and self-esteem. It’s something I’ve struggled with my whole life and it started in grade school as well for me. I have to actually remind myself to be confident even aggressive in some situations that call for it, otherwise my default state I’m insecure and make myself look weak and small and believe me it doesn’t matter how nice you are, people will be all over you-blaming you for things you didn’t do because they don’t expect you’ll be combative-weakness invites aggression.
And as for the suicide thing-take your life into account, don’t let yourself get bullied to death by a group of hateful scumbags. If more of the good people die, then more evil people are left in the world. At least that’s one of the reasons I’ve stuck around thus far-apart from the challenge of ending one’s life.
Also if you need to reach out for help to friends/family/professionals, anyone that can help you with the bullying situation.
I vacillate between loving and hating my life-mostly hating though. But the few good things about it are why I’m still around. I don’t look forward to my death but there’s many things I really dislike about myself and my life.
Anyways, hope that advice helped. Ultimately no one will be your advocate, your support, your bodyguard, except you. You have to protect, help and save you.
I agree with with what she is saying she said it all that is what I waas going to say but she beat me to it you just got6 to believe in yourself and put the past behind you..Good luck please write back and let me know how u are doing Anto