Do you ever feel like you are just too old for this shit?!? Too old to tell your story. Too old to make a come back and make it right. Too old to feel this way. I’m creeping up on my 44th birthday and I still cannot find the words to express the horror of my life in particular (and my childhood in general). The words are stuck in my throat, strangling me. I admire people who have killed themselves because I feel like they are so brave. They have managed to do what I never could do despite my semi-best efforts. I try to look objectively at my life. I try to see it from different angles. I used to think that I was not even human. I used to think that the world and my life were not real.
I feel like I have tried everything to make things better. And yet I am still overweight, broke, depressed, bulimic, tired, single, in a career that I hate, and disgusted with the world. And I am so overcome with guilt because the man who molested us and beat us and made my life a living hell is getting older and has been sick in recent years (3 time cancer survivor and I think he also has early stages of Alzheimer”s) and I feel like I have to help him because he is also my father. And my mom is old and has her own health issues and doesn’t drive so I have to help her too. Â And she actually asks us to help him. Tells us that he never finished high school and that we have to look out for him because people will take advantage of him. And I think to myself: do you have to finish high school so that they can teach you not to fuck your daughters? Really?!? Is that the final lesson that you learn just before you walk across the stage to get your diploma!!! Do you know what he said to me this past Sunday when I said I can’t deal with a minor family issue because I have too many problems of my own? He actually said “what problems can you possibly have? You’re young. Any problems that you have are the ones that you take on your own head.” That from the man who raped/molested/beat us. I don’t want to live in a world where the pedophile wins. Â I can’t live in a world where that type of man gets to skate thru life making pithy comments like that. Â I have no talents, no passions, no reasons to be anymore. It seems that I even suck at killing myself. I have a car but no enclosed garage. No access to hardcore pills. I live in NYC so I have access to lots of bridges, but I’m afraid of heights and am scared that I will not be able to even get out of the car while on a bridge. I have an aversion to any violent methods (and pain for that matter). Am I just making excuses? Should I just accept that life is a crap shoot and just live with the pain? Should I Â keep on fighting to live? Do I not really want to die? Maybe I don’t but I keep thinking that I want to make one more try. Do it up right this time. Go quietly. No public spectacle. No involving other people (I’ve thought about jumping in front of a subway train or a truck) but I don’t think that it’s fair to suck others into my madness like that. Just want it to be me and my sadness and my despair in my apartment alone.
3 comments
I’m middle aged like you with a crappy job and no prospects but I can’t begin to understand the horror that you went through at the hands of this monster and to know he got away with it makes me sick. Over here we have a DJ who molested children throughout his life, he’s dead now, having never paid the price of the disgusting things he did and that so angers me but it’s also a world full of good caring people, don’t forget that. Suicide is such a difficult thing to achieve but I can’t comment any further after what you went through, it’s understandable.
Thank you Nias. I’m guessing by “over here” you are talking about the U.K…Yes? I heard about that story. Visiting London was one of the three things that I wanted to do before I kill myself. So in January I took the last of my savings and made the trip. Now I’m down to two things. I wish that I can meet some of the good caring people that you mentioned more often. But I don’t want to look to others to find my will to live. Shouldn’t that come from within? I just want to stop being in limbo. Either do the deed or stop thinking about it and get on with life. I am sorry about your crappy job. I know how that feels. It’s demoralizing and gut-wrenching. I hope that things improve for you.
I might be off by saying this, but i think you are right on something you said there, you are making up excuses. That’s not a bad thing tho, it means you want things to change and to be able to make it, instead of ending it all.
A dead end job and frustration for not being able to turn things around isn’t easy on anybody, and in the end only you know if there’s more things that might make you change your mind, but it does seem to me that you do want to make it. I relate to the being in limbo thing, i am in that same state at the moment, deciding wether to end it all or head into a possible life of a dead end job and being all alone (no other choice seems available to me in the near/distant future).
Also, i’m really sorry about your father’s abuse. Mine dissapeared and has avoided me since i looked for him. My mother made some wrecking decisions along the years and dragged me along the way. So in the end, parents don’t know any better. That’s why you should live your life and even if you take care of them, have your own life as a priority. The answer your father gave you alone shows that he just doesn’t know any better.
I wanted to add, my grandmother which is really religious (i’m not) said something to me that got stuck with me (even if at times i’m not able to put it to practice). I asked her why she had faith. Her answer? “you have to cling into something when you are having a hard time in order to make it”. From that i gather that even the strongest of people need to look into others from time to time. But whatever you end up doing i wish you the best of luck.