I have been thinking about death a lot for the past two months. I feel as if my life has been going down hill. I lived abroad for almost 5 years (12-17years old). I made most of my friends during that time and due to some circumstances I was forced to move back to the USA. I’ve been back here for almost 2 years now and I have no friends. I do have a boyfriend, but he has his own life (family, friends, school, etc) . Where in my case, he’s my life. He’s the only one I can talk to besides my family. I can’t really talk to my family about anything and I feel as if they are always angry at me. Ever since I moved back here, I feel like a “nobody”. My boyfriend does make me happy, and i realize that he can’t always be there for me, but whenever he’s not there I get sad and emotional. I guess its because he’s my only friend/boyfriend. Whenever he doesn’t want to see me, i think that he doesn’t love me anymore. Whenever we get into fights I get anxiety attacks. I was recently admitted into a hospital for having an anxiety attack at night. Ever since then, I have been thinking more about suicide. I don’t feel scared about dying anymore. But this scares me even more.
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Victoria,
Moving away from your friends and starting over is a tough reality, especially because that support structure is missing. I know that your boyfriend is very important to you right now, however you mustn’t see him as the only pillar holding your life together. Your foundation, so to speak, needs to be built on the strong person I know you are. You’re past accomplishments, your victories; even the times when you’ve guided yourself through the anxiety are all testaments to your strong and independent nature. Listen, no one can be there for you 100% of the time, nor will they be everything you need when there. Find people to speak to in your area. Get involved in a club in school. Socialize with others who can understand you. Let them lay a thicker, more stable foundation for you and before long, when your boyfriend “doesn’t want to see you,” you’ll find yourself unfazed. Take small steps to change, and I’m certain that you’ll become a much stronger person. I believe in you.