HI. I’ve just found this site. I know if my boyfriend or friends or housemates knew I was here they would be devastated. But I am struggling.
I first attempted suicide and began a relationship with self-harm aged 15. I’m now 30. I have a standard abuse history. I most definitely am not original. My parents emotionally and physically abused me. My friend raped me at a party when I was 16. My boyfriend died when I was 17. My friend’s father used me as a sex pet when I was living with her family when I was 17. My boyfriend beat me when I was 19.
I have usually just self-harmed. This seems to be accepted of me now. Although most people seem to think I am ‘over it’. However I have discovered over the last 10 years that hitting myself causes similar effects to myself and less drama from people in my life than cutting. So everyone thinks I am fine.
I use work to measure my life by. I always have to be the best, to be perfect. I have recently changed jobs, to a company that I love. My store manager is not a fan. Mostly because I challenge her (as I am supposed to and always in a positive way). However she is currently trying to have me fired. Which will more than likely occur next week. I have debts and credit cards and rent that I am finally managing to work through. I have a house that I love. I have no family. No savings. And nowhere to go if I am unemployed with a stain on my CV.
I am aware that this seems dramatic and ridiculous over a job, but my work is what defines me. It is who I am. I got divorced last year (extremely amicably and we still talk most days) but I am struggling with it in a way that I did not expect. Having managed to control my depression and self-harm addiction, I have found it raring it’s head again. I am nowhere near my teen weekly abuse sessions, but over the past few months I have physically hurts myself about 5 times. Of course no one knows, and in the words of Ben Marwood – everyone thinks I’m doing fine.
I’m not even sure I actually want to die. But I cannot see a way through this. If I cannot pay my bills I cannot see how I can function. I have been homeless and I don’t think I know how to do that again. I definitely have enough painkillers and sleeping tablets here to inflict damage. Whether it is enough to cause death I am uncertain. As I have a ludicrous fear of throwing up and needles, if I do this it needs to work. Glass to the wrist has always been my preferred method, although I am aware this is extremely unlikely to actually kill me.
Also, I really really love the people I live with. I don’t want them to have to deal with the aftermath of this – whether it works or not. I honestly have not felt this self-absorbed and lost and lonely and despairing for years. I know it’s bad as I’m looking at photos of my boyfriend I lost and am not eating and am loathe to leave the house. I am constantly in tears. I want to talk to someone and find a way through but I don’t know where to go.
3 comments
“I am aware that this seems dramatic and ridiculous over a job…”
NO. Nope. Not ridiculous at all. A person’s livelihood and method of resource acquisition is paramount to their well-being. Without sufficient resources, a person cannot be well. Knowing that your method of resource acquisition is being jeopardized by an unreasonable person’s opinion, can easily be infuriating and profoundly disturbing.
Now… judging yourself by your work, might not be the best approach to self-interpretation and self-valuation. It’s probably best for you to find other things to value about yourself, specifically because other people, like your manager, can and will attempt to disrupt your means of survival, simply because they dislike whatever they dislike about you. I find that to be an unacceptable reason to “get someone fired.”
Which brings me to: the only reason you have to “care” what this person thinks, is because you know she both possesses the means to influence a detriment to your stability, and also dislikes you for some reason. If you can figure out how to influence her to accept you as you are, you can eliminate that problem. Maybe reserve your “challenging” for only the most important scenarios. If you can’t coexist with this person, you’ll need to earn income some other way.
Hmmm… where to go… where to go…
Go somewhere that is conducive to your prosperity. In order to find such a place, you have to “journey inward,” enough to understand exactly what you will need to prosper. This is much more difficult than it sounds, i think. Most of us probably tend to think it should be “easy” to already know what you want and need… but as with most things, if you really dissect it and analyze it thoroughly enough, you just might discover that you really aren’t sure what you need. And i think you might have to decide to commit to that particular pursuit, before you can find suitable solutions to the rest of your problems (and that commitment may even lead you to realize that one solution may eliminate the need for others… which i think is a bit ironic, because that’s the same type of thought process that leads to the notion that “suicide solves all my problems;” sure it does… just not in a way that preserves the purpose for which solutions are desired in the first place; suicide merely eliminates the need for any solution, rather than being an appropriate solution in and of itself… although it certainly seems justified in many cases)
Thank you so much for replying, I really appreciate it. I know that suicide is simply a method of removing the need for solution. And previous attempts have mostly been more firmly rooted in overwhelming depression. But I’m just so fed up of everything being wrong.
I’d already changed myself at work to fit with her before this happened. She gave me some feedback at a review 6weeks ago, which while it was nonsense and I knew she technically wasn’t allowed to say it, I recognised that she was going to find some nonsensical reason to get rid of me. So I made sure I did everything the way she wanted and didn’t question or suggest other alternatives to problems. I’ve even let her continue with her bullying of other members of staff. Which makes me hate myself a little more. But unfortunately, I need the money. And I really really love the company I’m working for. I have a disciplinary on Thursday. It is for a ridiculous reason (I have spoken to previous managers and combed the policies with a fine tooth comb) but I know she doesn’t do things by the book, and as I am still new to the business I have no rights.
I just don’t know how to cope if on Thursday I get fired. I have some amazing friends who are all offering emotional and financial support, but it still seems such an awful and staining thing to happen. Even writing about it is making so anxious I’m physically shaking right now. I feel ridiculous even to myself by reacting in this way.
Benevolences’ longevity’s expired, malevolence, envelope me, I’m tired.
I think we’re all tired here.