I am a strong person. I am 27. I tried to gut mysel, samurai-style, ten years ago. I clinged to life and vowed to never, ever give up on life. On the way I found the peace of God.
My girl and wife-to-be left me after 2 years and a half. We couldn’t make each other happy, we couldn’t stop hurting and failing each other. She was perfect in ways many cannot imagine: beautiful (a german model), sweet, bright, spiritual. Good cook. Good friend. Good lover. Loved me to her core, was there always for me. Perfect. I thought God was speaking to me through her, that finally, after all the failings, I’d found my deserved soulmate.
Now I’ve lost her. I’m never going to get her back. I’m never going to get someone that fulfills me like she did.
I’m despairing. I try to erect my usual mental fortressess, my discipline, my religion, to endure. But I cannot, I cannot. I can’t even numb the pain with videogames or movies. I’m staring at my desk, with fits of tears. Everywhere I look in my room, there’s a memory of her, a gift, a photo.
I don’t want to die – I’m in love with life and with my family and friends. But I’m also despairing. Too much  pain. Having survived a suicide attempt (Shit, tears), one never totally frees himself from the temptation. It’s like a demon familiar, a  tiny one, sitting on my left shoulder, whispering darkness….
15 comments
i understand, and im here to talk to
Wow , Im Sorry You Lost Her , But You Guys Couldnt Make Eachother Happy , Im Glad You Want Too Love , Despite The Pain Killing You Om The Inside , But Keep Hope 🙂 Surround Your Self W/ The Things You Love To Keep You Alive 🙂 , If You Want To Talk My Email Is Open faithsmith939@gmail.con ||
I know the feeling I have 10 years of memories floating in my head. I still see him, the shell of the man I loved. Maybe thats worse then the memories huh? We share a similar pain, may our souls find some peace.
Thank you guys. It means a lot to me. Talked to a friend also – a bit of protocol “I’m there for you” but he’s a good guy.
The worse thing is that she doesn’t hate me, that would allow me to blame myself. She loves me, but she understands we cannot be together. I feel I’m being ripped from the inside, true physical pain. The thought of not marrying her, not having children with her, not ageing with her, it’s sundering me. Like being pulled by two opposite trains for eternity.
Why Cant You Be With Her ? & Support 24/7 Here No Problem 🙂
We tried living together for a year. We did good the first 5 months, then everything started to collapse. The lack of money (I live in the thirld world) drove me nuts, made me feel less, made me aggressive to the point of refusing to have sex or care for her. I would give up everything to change all that, I cannot. I despair.
I Know , But Hope & Want Whats Best For Her Even If You Cant Provide It Thats Real Love .
& You Deserve To Be Happy Too , Find Out How You Can Help You Self Or Ask For Help ,
Awill To Ant Better For Yourself Instead Of Sitting The Misery Of Despair Will Bring The Joy Your Yurning So Deeply For .
the way you said god was speaking to yu through her , really touched me, you should turn your pain into poems
you are talented with words, maybe what yu need is a new passion , just for now, it might be nice
Thank you. I’m a good writer, but a terrible poet. Can’t really write anything worthwhile just now… I did a drawing of her a few weeks ago, made me feel better. But not now, my mind is on fire. My hands shake.
i wish i could have put how i felt into these words, im not very good at communicating with people, . we find in others what we have in ourselves. you are the amazing personn in this story! this is your fairytale, god was speaking to you,and he continues to, in a different form. yu are strong enough to come to this site, yu will get out, and be even better than before
If you’ve found faith in God, then rely on the promise that it says in the scripture regarding loss: Weeping may endure for a night, but joy is coming in the morning. For every door that appears closed, God will always open up a bigger and a better door. And who knows, your significant other might come back into your life. You’ve overcome a significant obstacle in surviving suicide, and because of that you’ve found happiness. That happiness now may seem to feel hollow, but be encouraged, joy is coming back. Airplanes always take off against the wind, and usually before you come into a great time in your life, is when you face the greatest opposition. The thoughts that tell you, “You’re too old to meet someone else, just learn to live alone. You’ve had your best days,” are all lies. I believe in you. I believe that God can give you beauty for ashes. If you truly know that she will not come back, then please, let go of her. Throw away things that remind you of her. Do something different, something that you’ve never done before. Let that be the catalyst for bigger change, and a reminder that what has happened in the past, doesn’t have to affect the present, or the future.
god bless you
Thank you, thank you so much. So much!
tell me how you feel,just get it ALL off your chest,