Shit the longest!!! Read if you can (:

Sitting here looking back at how I use to be, I can’t even remember what I was thinking.

Searching for razors in the cabinet, was like seeking treasure.Frustration running through my veins when I couldn’t find one and I had resorted myself to using a kitchen knife, later on hiding that knife. The feel of a sharp blade pressed against my skin, consciously aware that I’ll be dripping soon and the adrenaline rush. It was like an external use of drug. As I grazed my skin with the razor, my level of satisfaction increased and my care for the world and the people around me diminished. It was MY QUALITY TIME, a time to reflect on all my disappointments and failures. Every stroke represented something negative, sometimes the number of strokes double or tripled because i thought that it’d looked prettier if there was more. That sensational feeling of blood dripping down my arm, watching it flow out of my body as is urges me to cut some more. But oh wait, mum and dad just arrived, and I gotta put on my mask and take a stinging shower. Don’t forget to wear my favourite LONG SLEEVE top, don’t worry I’m just cold.

I came across a phrase “I draw in Silver and watch it turn Red.” Surely anyone on here would know the meaning behind that saying. Scrolling through photos on a app, I then came across a photo that showed a razor blade with captions “Hello Darling…shall we?” This definitely took me back to when I was in high school. The urge to pick up any sharp object and graze it upon my skin in order to feel satisfied. I sit here and wonder to myself, was it even worth it?

I know for a fact that majority of people on this site harm themselves  on a daily basis or at least have attempted and succeeded. Do you think its worth it? I know life isn’t fair, let alone hard. But it is a test, a test on patience and strength! Giving up on life or harming ourselves shows the weakness in us, but I know that there is a wild beast inside everyone of us who is stronger than we think we are. Yes I know how it feels to be worthless, rejected, guilty (for something you didn’t even do as well),  frustrated and lonely. Because of this, the only way of escaping such feeling and pain was by cutting myself.

Its been 4 years since I last cut myself, and I am happier than I was. I know you may be thinking, “weeell no one really cares how happy you are.” I know that already, but what I am trying to say is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You will meet people who has been in the same shoes as you, and honestly they are the ones who can help you get through such pain as this. It took me sooo long to bypass a terrible habit, yes it is a psychological problem. But how you change that is the challenging part! I had to face life and suck it up, chuck on a bloody smile even if I had to fake it. But then I realized I was missing out on a lot of things in life, this is when UNIVERSITY kicked in. Definitely opened my eyes, getting involved (forced) in social events, engaging with new people and activities. Most importantly spending A LOT OF TIME with FAMILY & FRIENDS. Little did I know that this was taking up so much of my time that I actually did not once think of sitting down and cutting myself. Why? Well because I made new friends, shared so many laughs and people accepted me for who I was, and I was being loved and cared by people I knew. I think all we need in life is, love and acceptance (: Trust me, there are people out there who will accept you for who you are. If they don’t, well tell them to shut the fuck up and move along haha because YOU’RE WORTH IT (flick your hair at the same time).

Whenever I read through most of these posts, I wish I was your friend so I could literally make you laugh and have fuuun! WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. Sometimes all we need is a bit of cheering up, and to be honest it helps. Even if you say this will be your last post ever, NOOOO!!! IT WILL NOT, YOU WILL GO OUT AND HAVE A LAUGH!!!! haha idk why I’ve been using caps lock but it looks cool. haha ANYWAYS BEAUTIFUL HUMANS ENJOY YOUR DAY OR NIGHT!!

Love from someone near the south pole (: MEEEE