So tired

Wow Duva, with the exception of the thing about your hair, your post was so true to my own life it’s as if I could have written that myself. I even had my brain shocked too; lot of good it did. It’s been so bad for so long, I’m not even able to even imagine what ‘not miserable’ might feel like. And the meds; god how they messed things up even more for me, but I’m unable to get off of them. I am also disabled, and also completely isolated. I experienced the exact same thing with my “friends” as you. They claimed to care so much but just didn’t want to be around someone so unhappy anymore, even when they could do something to help. As horribly lonely as I am I hardly even bother with them anymore, because inevitably their just going to tell me to cheer up, like “Oh, thank you for telling me that. It never occurred to me to just cheer up. I’ll get on that right away.”

I wish I could believe in god, but have not been able to for a very long time. I have prayed with all the humility in the world, even after losing faith, but it became impossible to ignore the fact that if god loved me even a little, I wouldn’t be destroyed every time I’ve tried to make things even a little better. I deal with an immense amount of fatigue as well, so making an effort requires summoning every tiny bit of physical and emotional strength I have. Without exception, each time I have been able to try has been met with such massive failure things end worse than before. I have very hard to get my faith back as faith leads to hope, and living without hope is like living without air. The only thing worse than having no hope at all, is constantly having it dangled right in front of you, then disappearing before anything ever comes to fruition.

Like you, I am so very tired, and can’t even remember what it was like to feel any other way. I realized it was over when I was unable to think of anything, even things outside the realm of possibility, that could turn things around. While this maybe hard to believe, if I disappeared there isn’t a single person who would even notice. So if all I have is pain, depression, and misery, and my life or lack thereof effects literally no one else, it kind of seems obvious what the answer is. I saw my mother go through exactly what I’ve been going through for just as long, until she finally put a gun in her mouth several years ago. Aside from losing my mother one of the worst parts of the whole thing was seeing how much no one cared she was dead.

I hope this doesn’t come off as venting, because I have no inclination to bother with that anymore. I just try and avoid crying if I can since it snowballs. It all comes down to one very simple thing: I can’t do this anymore. I must summon all my strength one final time to do the best thing I can do for myself. The tiredness, the pain, and mental illness that has so many unpleasant effects (such as ADD and OCD among other acronyms) has to stop. All I really intend to do is what people claim all they’ll do all time: Do something, or die trying. I’m just all out of somethings.

Good luck to you. I hope you find peace in whatever form you can.