Hi, i guess i just need to vent. I am so tired of fightin urges to destroy myself. Will be 4 8soon. Have been fighting this my whole life. I come from a family of major abuse, riddled with mental illnesss – schizophrenia, borderline personality, addiction. I have complex PTSD that never got ack.owledged – I just got meds which didn`t work and ruined my health. Had my brain shocked. I’m disabled now and completely isolated. My friends got tired of me being depressed a.d I got tired of them telling me, “Hang in there, it will get better.
Last week a neighbor left me a voicemail about helping plant flowers in the courtyard. I used to help with that every year. I didn’t call her back because I knew if I told her the truth – that I have no pbysical energy – She wouldn’t believe me. Today I saw her outside and she brought up the phone call. I apologized and told her honestly that I’ve been severely depressed. She said, “Your hair got really dark. I liked it better when it was blonde.”
This is just basically how people are. I wanted to say, “Well I’ve been contemplating suicide all weekend but I think you’re right, I should just go bleach my hair instead!” I don’t know. I don’t think I will miss this place if I go.
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My dude I know your life seems as though it is in shambles right now but that is an illusion. Your life is what we make it. Life can really suck some times, but we live and we keep going until we get what we want. If you want to be happy and satisfied I’ve then do this have a little talk with jesus he has been wanting to help you this entire but you have to believe that he will help you because I know that he will. This I can promise you. I was hit by a car 4 weeks ago while skating out side. The car knocked me 15 feet across the street. My blood was everywhere and I thought my life was over blood pouring out all in the near by ditch. At that point everything got really really bright. Do you know what I did then. I didn’t curse I didn’t cry or anything I called out to my father and asked him to please help me and you know what he did. He helped me. My vision became normal and I was able to get the my arm to stop bleeding. When I got to the hospital I never stopped praying I prayed every opportunity I got and guess what the doctors came in and we’re astonished that I was still alive. The car was going a bout 30 to 40 m ph and I didn’t die. I hit and busted the window shield but didn’t die. And luckily my only injuries where a severely scraped forearm and a broken fibula. The docs put a walking boot on me and told me that it was okay for me to walk. If God has done this for me I know he can do wonders for your life please please please believe me bro. Take a look at attending a few local churches I know that they would be more than happy to help you see what I’m trying to tell you. Thanks for hearing me out man. Remember man to make it in this life all you need is love man and I want you to know that I love you and most importantly God loves you so please believe man.
I feel this..
I get that lack of energy thing a lot, I can never just tell anyone “Well, I feel like I’m being drained constantly and like I got smacked by a sack of bricks for no particular reason.”
Am I supposed to go off on some long winded tangent about how I feel trapped in my own body devoid of life whenever somone says I’m being ‘lazy’? If people don’t want to understand, what’s the point?
If you do bring up anything mildly relevant, oh, suddenly it’s time to talk about the weather…
I know, right? There’s no way to explain it to people who haven’t experienced it. I have been athletic at times so everyone seems to think I suddenly decided to become a lazy ass because sitting on the couch is more fun than riding my bike like I used to. I have literally had this conversation more than once:
Me: I’m so weak I can barely stand up.
Friend: Its a beautiful day. Why don’t you go for a hike/jog/bike ride.
It’s like, okay, never mind. I’m also off ADD meds (i.e. speed) for about a month now, after being on them for years. Guess that could have something to do with the fatigue being worse than usual.
Yes, I feel like the very fibers of my being are disconnected from this world.
And feeling like you’re on crack for a portion of your life and then suddenly being taken off of medication makes you feel so weak… I can’t believe it myself. I feel like I’m just trembling with a lack of strength after minor activity sometimes, like I’m being devoured by a succubus… I canbe surprisingly strong for my size sometimes, but I still never feel like things are right…
I don’t nag about it in my mind anymore, I’ve gotten used to it.
Thanks, takeeverything. I know there’s not a lot anyone can say – just to know somebody read my post, and gets it – that really helps, so thank you.
Natethegreat, I’m glad you’re going to be okay. That sounded like a really close call. Glad your Dad was there and I hope everything heals quickly. Thank you for your kind words. I have trouble trusting God. I think I’m angry at him, but i will try praying and see what comes of it. Oh, I am a woman – guess my post didn’t make that clear 🙂
I knew you were a woman- hair.
Wow Duva, with the exception of the thing about your hair, your post was so true to my own life it’s as if I could have written that myself. I even had my brain shocked too; lot of good it did. It’s been so bad for so long, I’m not even able to even imagine what ‘not miserable’ might feel like. And the meds; god how they messed things up even more for me, but I’m unable to get off of them. I am also disabled, and also completely isolated. I experienced the exact same thing with my “friends” as you. They claimed to care so much but just didn’t want to be around someone so unhappy anymore, even when they could do something to help. As horribly lonely as I am I hardly even bother with them anymore, because inevitably their just going to tell me to cheer up, like “Oh, thank you for telling me that. It never occurred to me to just cheer up. I’ll get on that right away.”
I wish I could believe in god, but have not been able to for a very long time. I have prayed with all the humility in the world, even after losing faith, but it became impossible to ignore the fact that if god loved me even a little, I wouldn’t be destroyed every time I’ve tried to make things even a little better. I deal with an immense amount of fatigue as well, so making an effort requires summoning every tiny bit of physical and emotional strength I have. Without exception, each time I have been able to try has been met with such massive failure things end worse than before. I have very hard to get my faith back as faith leads to hope, and living without hope is like living without air. The only thing worse than having no hope at all, is constantly having it dangled right in front of you, then disappearing before anything ever comes to fruition.
Like you, I am so very tired, and can’t even remember what it was like to feel any other way. I realized it was over when I was unable to think of anything, even things outside the realm of possibility, that could turn things around. While this maybe hard to believe, if I disappeared there isn’t a single person who would even notice. So if all I have is pain, depression, and misery, and my life or lack thereof effects literally no one else, it kind of seems obvious what the answer is. I saw my mother go through exactly what I’ve been going through for just as long, until she finally put a gun in her mouth several years ago. Aside from losing my mother one of the worst parts of the whole thing was seeing how much no one cared she was dead.
I hope this doesn’t come off as venting, because I have no inclination to bother with that anymore. I just try and avoid crying if I can since it snowballs. It all comes down to one very simple thing: I can’t do this anymore. I must summon all my strength one final time to do the best thing I can do for myself. The tiredness, the pain, and mental illness that has so many unpleasant effects (such as ADD and OCD among other acronyms) has to stop. All I really intend to do is what people claim all they’ll do all time: Do something, or die trying. I’m just all out of somethings.
Good luck to you. I hope you find peace in whatever form you can.
Hi Duva, I can relate too. I’m 52, tired all the time, not as bad as you, but was doped up to the nines on psych drugs and my doc taking me off them but the withdrawals are pretty bad, very depressed and lack of energy, it’s par for the course and I can only hope will pass if I ever manage to get free of these poisons.
It’s almost funny how people respond isn’t it? We’re told that exercise is good for depression, well some depression yeah maybe, but I’m challenged to walk down the road to the shop half the time, let alone go to the gym, swimming etc as they would have me do. I’m on disability, haven’t worked in years actually, isolated like you because basically no one wants to be around someone who is always depressed, plus I was betrayed by my closest ‘friends’ four years ago – I trustingly gave them my heart only to have it stamped on and it has turned me into a bit of a misanthrope, fed up with people and prefer to spend time with my cat, lol.