I’m new and I just want to say, this is to get my thoughts down on paper but nor bottle them up or keep them as secrets.
I’ll go ahead, without sugar-coating it. I’m an ex rape victim.
Which is funny, I don’t get why it’s known as being an ex victim. It scars you mentally and emotionally and sometimes physically, but I guess it’s happened and it’s not happening anymore. When I was younger, I can remember being put to bed at the house of my grandmother’s on their bed and when I woke up I was crying and my legs hurt and there was a shadow standing over me in the darkness. I can remember having my mouth covered when I went to scream and being half choked and pervertedly soothed, like how you hush a baby only this scared me and I can recall a moment of terror where I just froze and hoped it would all be over.
When it was over I can remember running out of the bedroom and down the hallway crying again. My mind skips to my mother screaming what happened while my grandfather clutched me. Try to remember what came next and it goes a bit fuzzy, something about a flyscreen being pulled off the wind and some jewellery being stolen. To be honest, I didn’t understand the memories amidst the fuzz until my grandfather thought I was old enough to understand what rape was.
It brought him to tears and made me shake, of course, he had asked my parents if it was okay to do so, my dad was silent about it understandably. My mother, horrified, still denying someone could be so disgusting in behaviour and morals. My grandfather blames himself, he was meant to check on me only minutes before I came running out. What’s more, he had heard their dog growl at something not long before but had brushed it off and settled her back down at his feet.
This haunts me. I have had active relationships and have been in a situation of intimacy where I breakdown and cry because I remember the pain. As well as that, this was not to be the first sexual abuse I would face.
I’ll leave it there, the opening of my story. The first pain that makes me want to harm and commit.
~Angel
3 comments
I know that you do not know me , nor will you ever. I can relate to your story, i do not fully understand because you have your own feelings for it and i have my own. I have a lot of sympathy towards you even if you do not want to accept it or not. Darling it will be okay one day~
I thankyou for your sympathy and I’ll tell you now, for a while I too did not understand this. And in my heart, no one should ever have to relate to this, nor should they even be able to. My thanks, things are better now and forgive me if I sound like this is not a big deal but I certainly have learnt to let go. I hope one day I’ll be able to stop the tears from this topic.
~A
It’s hard to forgive people that do these kind of things, to a child wtf. Forgiveness is what sets us free and that’s why it’s so difficult for us sexual abuse survivors to move on unaffected. At the very least we feel anger that does not subside, with days of melancholy… generally watching people just float through our lives and dissapear again because they have no way of understanding us. Here you are in good company, people will try to help you. Perhaps take it one step at a time seeing a therapist regularly if you can, one day you may feel atrongg enough to do something for other abuse survivors. The hardest thing I found is understanding how to function afterwards, in a world where everything feels superficial and people don’t experience life on the level that we do. Gift and a curse… one day hopefully we all find what we need to lead a happy life. Best of luck to you x