My struggle with depression/anxiety as well as coming from an abusive/chaotic home with a parent who had, at the time, undiagnosed bi-polar have taught me to be strong and rely on myself. It also taught me, after years of therapy and self analysis, that people’s words can’t have power over you unless you allow them to.
I’ve always been very empathetic to others. My parents said as a toddler I would cry if a character got hurt or died in a Disney movie. I used to think this was a bad thing… being “so sensitive” to feelings, emotions, etc. I thought it made me weak, but the older I get the more I realize it’s a blessing especially in a family full of mental illness. Being able to recognize that a person’s attitude or demeanor is a symptom not a disease (medical metaphor). When my dad said, “You have to stop being so sensitive. This world’s a tough place and you’re never going to make it.” I replied, “I had to be tough growing up in a house with you and Mom. And I’m not going to close my heart off to the world.”
With that being said… I think I just needed to vent and throw myself a bit of a pity party. Things have just been difficult. Due to my declining health in the past seven years I’ve been forced to leave college, work, stop driving, and it’s all very overwhelming – especially because I’ve always been a very independent, self-relient person. It’s this weird dichotomy… my mind has all these dreams and goals that my body can’t fulfill. I’m struggling to find…OK, I know this is so clichéd…my purpose. I feel stuck inside myself and alone and invisible and useless. I feel like when people look at me they just see weakness and sickness, and it makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs: I’M STILL HERE! I AM A HUMAN BEING! MY THOUGHTS, OPINIONS, & FEELINGS MATTER JUST AS MUCH AS EVERYONE ELSE’S!
It feels good just to be able to get that out. I’m really glad I found this forum. It’s important to be able to discuss the not so pretty thoughts…
*This was my response to a comment someone made on my post What Do You Do When Your Entire Family Is Full Of Nuts. It really encapsulates how I’m feeling, so I thought I’d make it a separate post.