Hey. Here goes.I did not want to talk about this to anyone ,because in my family no one understands ,its just the way they look at me when i try to talk to someone.Its that look ,when u feel,people are listening just because they have to,not because they want to… I was born in a family with rooted alcoholism.My mothers father was a heavyweight drinker and so was my father.So the fights,physical and psychological were on daily bases.I started to develop this person in my own world.i used to lock myself in my room,put my headphones on and got lost in music.I was talented musician.In music school i managed to get very high grades without any learning,all i had to do is listen and my brain would remember the notes like a freakin laptop.So this is who i became and this was my world,no one could touch it.SO, the fights in my family got to the point,where my parents had to divorce.I was about 12 years old and my father left and we kind of lost each other.We had some contact but i always had the feeling,that i want it more to se my father than he wants to see his son.In the process of a divorce,about 2 years later, i started taking drugs and never stopped until i got my first masters degree in drug abuse(SARCASTICLY MEANING).I lost the feeling for music ,i lost the feeling for life and i lost a feeling for myself.My mom had to work two jobs and i was forced to learn about life on the streets.My mom is an angel and i do not blame anyone for my drug abuse ,but myself..But the need for heroin was stronger than my love for music and life.So when i was 25 i was still a junky and went to rehab.I got clean and after 13 months i came back home.In first week i found a job and stated to live normally.I got back in music and everything went well.About 3 years later i met a girl and we started to live together.But after one year we noticed to many differences between us and wanted to brake up.But she was already pregnant with my daughter.So i did not want to leave or brake this a part,for my daughters sake.Soon a beautiful girl was born and my heart want crazy.It was the best day of my life.But sadly we were still fighting and i lost myself again and started to brake.I did not want to live with this woman,but i could not leave my daughter.So i was put in front of a emotional wall.She hated me every day more and more.So i started doing heroin again.And soon when i saw my daughter crying,when we were fighting i decided to leave.Because i did  not want my daughter to grow up in that kind of environment.Again i got away and started to clean my self up.It took me about one year.I got clean and i never left from my daughter.i was calling and paying (i still am) for her.i was asking how is she,when can i see her …More i called and showed interest in my daughter,more negative attitude i got from her mother.Than she found someone and i was visiting my daughter like two days in a week.AS soon as mother saw that i am developing a nice connection with my daughter,she started to enforce this other father figure to her.I lost my mind over this and went to court.Than a 2 year battle began.The judge saw my point of view and gave me all the rights regarding my daughter.I am still paying for her,but since the mother did not want to cooperate,the judge said,that my only option is,if i come for my daughter with the police and just take her.But she said,i have to be the one that demands that.I wanted to do that,every cell in my body wanted to just go there ,take my girl and tell everyone else to go f… them selves.but reality was,that it does not matter how strong we are fighting,my daughter still loves her mommy and my heart just could not go with the police alternative.I could not take my daughter and grab her from her moms hands.It felt unnatural.Let me say i had to get opinions from several therapists and doctors that our system has.Each and everyone of them said ,that there is no danger for me to take drugs again.That i am stable and trust worthy.Two years i was like a lab rat,sending me from one specialist to another and waiting for me to loose…Well i can proudly say,that i am clean since,despite the fact my heart was ripped to pieces several times during this 10 years of emotional  storms…So now my daughter does not want to see me anymore.She said that every time i come to visit it is always the same,playing same games and stuff.But no one told my daughter,that i wanted to take her to the zoo,to swimming pool with water slides,to vacation on the coast,but her mother did not let me.She said the only way i can see her is at her house and when she is at home.SO my daughter kind of pulled back ,because she thought there was something wrong with me,since her mommy does not let us have a little father-daughter time together.I spoke to some teraphists and they said,the best thing i can do for my girl is to back off and give her time,because it is confusing for her to have two father figures,since her mommy already had new boyfriend and does not want to cooperate in that matter….So i had to back off.I don care what people think of me,my heart is ripped in pieces ,i miss her sooooo much.I did not see her for 7 months and it feels like I’m a dead man walking.Now my mind is open for dark places ,my heart is broken and i do not see any reason to keep fighting for anything.I lost my job,because i was under stress at the time and i screamed at my boss.i told him to go f.. himself….So the guy normally let me go..But i would still tell him the same damn thing,because he did not pay me and still owes me… Now i am searching for a reason to stay in positive ways.I will not take smack again that is for sure.But i went to rehab,i went to court.For some time i had to fight the system,because we all know what system does to you if you were a drug abuser.They buried me under all levels of humanity,but i fought and won my personal fight.But i lost my girl ,even if court papers say different.Every day i wake up with this question,why am i still here.Am i really one of those guys who,does not matter what i do,i always manage to mess things up.I do not see any light in front of me.This is my world,this is where i heal my hurts and i am staring to embrace this feeling.In my mind i see it,it was better when i was a drug abuser,than now,when i am clean.Crazy,yeah i think so too.And they say in those rehabs,how life can change for you when you get clean,i guess it does but in worse way…I really do not know why i had to go through all those fights and still ,i am the one who got knocked out… I will not kill myself,but i am starting to think about that and i know this is not me.I am a fighter, i just need a new reason to fight for…i AM OUT OF REASONS…   LOVE TO ALL